Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted)

Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Printable Version

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Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - The Wanderer - 03-13-2004

Excellent though the work is, and despite the apparently considerable amount of prereading it underwent, a few errors did slip through. To wit:

Near the end of the hire-the-Sabers scene, Lisa picks up and opens a "manilla envelope"; that should be "manila". Both spellings occur in my dictionary, but Google finds over four million mentions of the single-L version and only about a quarter of a million mentions of the double-L form, which is conclusive enough for me.
Shortly after the scene break from the Sabers about to descend through the eye of the storm, the word "lightning" is missing an N.

Quote:
there's now a critical mass of infected boomers,
White. Those with free will soon will outnumber those without.

The repetition of "will" doesn't flow well for me; I'd suggest something like "it won't be long before those with free will outnumber those without.".

In the departure scene, there is

Quote:
"Doug!" Aquarius called out, and reached out to wrap a hand the
size of a baseball mitt around my own gloved hand. "Got your
message and I knew I had to see you off."

followed later by

Quote:
As she wrestled her feelings into some semblance of control,
Aquarius stepped forward and folded his gunmetal-blue hand around
Doug's gloved one. "Take care of yourself, my friend."

I'd suggest inserting a "once more" in the second occurrence somewhere.

Quote:
If only she had something more subtle,
some kind of specially-trained "tiger team" that she could trust
both to handle jobs like this with competence and discretion...

As this stands, the "both" is dangling - both to do that, and what else? You need to either add a second referent, or drop the "both".

Finally, in Hiroe's final scene: Eternal Sailor Mercury. Despite the somewhat common appearance of the idea in fandom, there is no indication (in the anime, at least) that any of the Senshi other than Sailor Moon even *have* an Eternal form; they leave off at Super. There may be something present in the manga, but I don't remember anything from the last time I read it, which admittedly was awhile ago.

Not all of these are strictly errata, I'll admit, but I thought they were all worth pointing out. I also don't claim this to be a comprehensive list; it's only the things I noticed and remembered to write down, and there may well be others I missed. If anyone knows of any other technical nitpicks in the chapter, this would be where to mention them...
Also, Bob, it might be a good idea to update the progress description; the chapter is no longer in final preread, after all. I'd say that by now it's "out".

Re: Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Star Ranger4 - 03-13-2004

Quote:
Quote:If only she had something more subtle,
some kind of specially-trained "tiger team" that she could trust
both to handle jobs like this with competence and discretion...
As this stands, the "both" is dangling - both to do that, and what else? You need to either add a second referent, or drop the "both".

He has a point, but actually, the both only needs to move down to after the With, as in 'jobs like this with both competence and...""I was an Otaku before those kids came along and changed the meaning of the word."
-- HM "Howling Mad" Wilson to more than one team-mate.
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children

Re: Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Jeanne Hedge - 03-13-2004

If I may add one:

Quote:
"Tropical storm conditions are in evidence, with heavy cloud
cover, rain, lightning, and wind speeds in excess of 175 kmph."
Sylia, still in the co-pilot's seat, shook her head, still not
quite believing that she was seeing exactly what the announcement
had described: a monstrous black funnel cloud, silhouetted
against the fading February twilight.

After Doug invoking Kon'ya wa Hurricane, after the emergency announcement of tropical storm conditions, I was really thrown to have the first eyes-on description be of a damn tornado! There's just too much of an association of "funnel cloud" = "tornado" for this midwesterner; it just seems wrong to see the former used in reference to anything but the latter.
And yes, I know this is addressed in the concordance. It's still jarring to me to read in chapter 15.

Quote:
Unless he was 'borged like those punks I met the day I arrived.

Was Doug not paying attention when Kate froze both Quincy and the guard boomers with her override?

Quote:
I'd say that by now it's "out".

Especially since it's already been released to locations other than this website ^_^Jeanne

Jeanne Hedge
www.jhedge.com
go.compuserve.com/Comic

[Image: 6bf36ddc1d2c96930d75576c361a9b3f8152885f.gif]

Jeanne Hedge
www.jhedge.com

"Believe me, if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem."
-- Gabrielle of Potadeia

Re: Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Bob Schroeck - 03-13-2004

Quote:
Was Doug not paying attention when Kate froze both Quincy and the guard boomers with her override?

He thought Quincy was simply speechless with anger over Kate's betrayal.
I was afraid those few paragraphs would cause problems. Kate never says out loud that Quincy's is a proxy boomer -- she merely thinks it.

-- Bob
---------
There's no wrong way to eat a Rhesus.

Re: Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Bob Schroeck - 03-13-2004

Thanks for the comments, Wanderer. I probably won't address these right away (got a busy weekend ahead of me), but I will get around to them sooner or later.

Quote:
Despite the somewhat common appearance of the idea in fandom, there is no indication (in the anime, at least) that any of the Senshi other than Sailor Moon even *have* an Eternal form; they leave off at Super.

The Eternal form is the one with wings, isn't it? (No, I have no real experience with SM beyond the first season.) If so, I have seen an official wall banner showing all the Senshi in Eternal form.

Quote:
Also, Bob, it might be a good idea to update the progress description; the chapter is no longer in final preread, after all. I'd say that by now it's "out".

Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. Thanks.

-- Bob
---------
There's no wrong way to eat a Rhesus.

Re: Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Bob Schroeck - 03-13-2004

Quote:
Especially since it's already been released to locations other than this website ^_^

Oh yeah, I still have to send it to RAAC... but I'll wait until I fix at least the spelling errors noted above.

-- Bob
---------
There's no wrong way to eat a Rhesus.

Re: Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Jeanne Hedge - 03-13-2004

Quote:
I still have to send it to RAAC

Given the size, you might want to send it in parts. If you decide to go that route, stick a note to the moderator in one or more of them asking for it to be pasted back together for release Smile

Jeanne

Jeanne Hedge
www.jhedge.com
go.compuserve.com/Comic

[Image: 6bf36ddc1d2c96930d75576c361a9b3f8152885f.gif]

Jeanne Hedge
www.jhedge.com

"Believe me, if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem."
-- Gabrielle of Potadeia

Re: Chapter 15 errata (possible spoilers quoted) - Bob Schroeck - 03-14-2004

Oh, I plan to, I have the pre-split files I set up for the FFML and BGC-FFML submissions still sitting and waiting. I just have to dig up the submission email address, as I still have no live connection to Usenet these days.

-- Bob
---------
There's no wrong way to eat a Rhesus.

Rec.Arts.Anime.Creative Info - Jeanne Hedge - 03-14-2004

Quote:
I just have to dig up the submission email address

For everyone's information, the FAQ for rec.arts.anime.creative is posted to that group every month (or is it bimonthly?). It's also available on the web at www.gweep.ca/~robomod/rec.arts.anime.creative/. This includes information about what to post, how to post it, what format to post it in, and the address of the RAAC Archive.
According to the FAQ, if you don't have a reliable usenet feed (or if you just want to post by email), the address to use is [url=mailto:rec-arts-anime-creative@gweep.ca[/url].
Hope that helps!
Jeanne

Jeanne Hedge
www.jhedge.com
go.compuserve.com/Comic

[Image: 6bf36ddc1d2c96930d75576c361a9b3f8152885f.gif]

Jeanne Hedge
www.jhedge.com

"Believe me, if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem."
-- Gabrielle of Potadeia

Re: Rec.Arts.Anime.Creative Info - Bob Schroeck - 03-15-2004

Thanks, Jeanne. I sent it off to RAAC last night with that very address (split in two, yet ).
Except I just realized that I forgot to fix the above problems first. Dammit.

-- Bob
---------
There's no wrong way to eat a Rhesus.