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+--- Thread: Vogue (/showthread.php?tid=1546)
Vogue - SkyeFire - 04-14-2006
(note: this got completely out of control on me, and got waay too big. But after all that typing, darned if I wasn't going to share the pain.
)THE FOLLOWING STAGGERBUNNY HAS BEEN RATED GS (GRATUITOUSLY SILLY) BY THE IMAGINARY PICTURES ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA
Loonatic's Travel Journal
Location: /dev/null
Date:
I want to make this utterly, absolutely clear up front: It Was Not My Fault.
(I can just *see* Hexe curling up, Katlike, on the couch, eyes glinting with vindictive mischief as she settles in for Yet Another Em-bare-assing Sangnoir Story. The only reason I'm writing this down is because I *know,* beyond any doubt, that it'll all come out someday. Somehow. That's just how my life goes.).
Anyway, it really wasn't. I blame the neurotoxins. Or maybe the bananna. And the youma definitely comes in for some blame too.
(Pipe down, Hexe, *I'm* telling this story. Good grief, I haven't seen her in *years* now, but just the memories are powerful enough that sometimes it's like I have this little chibi-Hexe riding on my shoulder, doing snarky commentary on my misadventures. Some guys get succubi -- *I* get a rapier-witted weather witch who just happens to also be my CO)
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Anyway, the Senshi and I were slamdancing with the latest monster-of-the-week, and I was trying to gauge just how much I should pitch in (and wondering where the unusually tardy Tuxedo Mask was), when Usagi stepped on the bananna.
Now, I've been a soldier for quite a few years, and seen quite a few utterly ludicrous battlefield pratfalls (many, I must humbly confess, caused by Yours Truly), but I have *never* --before or since-- ever seen anyone actually commit the bananna gag. At least, never unintentionally.
But then, that's Usagi for you.
The moment I saw her start to slip, I combat-hyped and charged in from my position almost directly behind her. That gave me a perfect slo-mo view of what happened next.
The bananna *squirted* out of its peel exactly the way they do in reel life but not in real life, shooting straight towards the youma, which was charging up for a new shot on Usagi. Who was free-falling in mid-"yaaaah!" towards a perfect butt-first pancake landing. I was diving for her, to either catch or cover, when I noticed the bananna shoot straight up the youma's left nostril.
I'm no precog, but as the entire battlezone suddenly fell silent, I suddenly felt an oppressive sensation of *doom.*
We all just stood there for a second, caught up in the unbelievable surreality of the moment (aside from Usagi, who hit the ground and bounced with a loud "OWIE!"), staring at the youma, which was in turn starting cross-eyed at its own nose as if completely befuddled by this turn of events.
Then, without so much as a by-your-leave, thank-you-please, the youma *sneezed*, firing the (now quite slimy) bananna straight back along its original line of flight.
(whoever is reading this to Hexe had better stop and let her drag herself back onto the couch. Yes, Hexe, you *are* that predictable. Yes, I'm sure you *will* get me for this later. No, I will *not* bite you -- once was more than enough, thanks).
My field has protected me from cannon shells, lightning bolts, missiles, and even --on one memorable occasion-- a hypervelocity flying squirrel. A projectile snot bananna was nothing to worry about.
So of course the bloody thing comes straight through the field and *splats* across my goggles.
Remember how I mentioned neurotoxins earlier? Well, this youma secreted a lethal one, dangerous on skin contact and completely lethal if introduced into the bloodstream, from its skin, concentrated mostly in its claws. It didn't have any serious ranged attacks, which was why I'd been letting the girls practice their coordinated long-range fire on it.
Apparently, the secretions also took place in its mucous membranes.
Of course, it's very rare for anything to get through my field *untouched.* And that held in this case -- I didn't get poisoned.
I got *wasted.*
Looking back on it, I can only theorize that my field converted the contact neurotoxin on the bananna into, well, contact cannabis. I haven't been hit by anything that hard since I was in high school and experimented with-- um. Nevermind, I'm not sure the statute of limitations has expired yet.
All I remember is, one moment I'm in full combat mode and ready to rumble. The next, I'm wiping my goggles, laughing my arse off at the poor youma holding its nose with tears streaming down its cheeks, and feeling as if I had just finished a 33&1/3-hr Bugs Bunny marathon while stoned.
I was feeling so good, so full of peace and brotherhood for all things, that I just let it go when it turned and ran, apparently deciding it had had enough for the evening. Besides, I was laughing too hard to stay on my feet.
Makoto's face leaned into my line of sight eventually, looking concerned. I debated telling her how the halo effect of the St Elmo's Fire around her tiara's lightning rod flattered her, but then I suddenly realized the punch line from the 'tortoise-shelled clam' joke from years before, and busted out laughing again.
It didn't take long for my metabolism to start breaking down the invasive chemicals, but by the time my head started to clear, only a minute or two later, the girls were gone in pursuit of the monster. Mercury had managed a sufficient medical scan to be confident I was in no danger, and they'd left Luna to keep an eye on me.
I staggered upright, still feeling pretty mellow, but more or less tracking again. A pointing paw from Luna, and I loped off after the girls, singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" under my breath (complete with sound FX). It really matched my current mood.
(No, Hexe. NO. N. O.)
When I caught up to them, no more than a minute later, they had the youma pretty well contained, but were having a heck of a time nailing it -- what it lacked in ranged counterattacks, it made up for in agility.
I couldn't help but think that the situation lacked... something. Something important. And that's when I had An Idea.
I was still a little high. I blame that for what happened next.
I called up a song that had always tickled my Talent, but never quite gelled into anything specific. This time, I felt my Talent sync right up, and giggled as I felt my Polykev armor start to melt and flow. One leap, and I found myself atop a streetlight above the battle.
"Have no fear, O beauteous warriors of Love and Justice!" I declaimed in my best Danny Kay voice. "For no force of evil may withstand our united might! Do it NOW, Sailor Moon!"
Usagi spun around, ponytails swirling and her eyes suddenly looking like big pink hearts (I swear, it really happens -- I think it's some kind of low-end metatalent), and started to squeal "TUXEDO M-- Doug-Sensei...?"
I swept my cape out with one arm and drew it back across in front of me, Bella Lugosi style. "Like Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Moon, I too am an ally to all those who fight for Love and Justice, though I am not he. For tonight, you may call me..." I cast my cape back to let it fly in the sudden gust of wind. "TUXEDO HELMET!"
Until that moment, I'd always thought that faceplants only happened in anime. Fortunately, they recovered and we were able to take down the youma before ZZ Top's "Sharp-Dressed Man" played out.
Mamoru never *did* show up that night, and I never got around to asking him why not before everything fell apart.
For the rest of my time with the girls, they never completely stopped teasing me about missing their "Tuxedo-Helmet-sama" -- it was still good for a giggle even towards the end, when it began to seem as if the light at the end of the tunnel had gone out.
I wonder if they remember?
(PS: Hexe? Don't. Even.)
Re: Vogue - Jenova Silverstar - 04-14-2006
*roflmao* Psychedelic Banana! Just too darn funny!! ^_^
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
--Dr. Seuss
Re: Vogue - Bob Schroeck - 04-14-2006
If I weren't at work already, I would be rolling and guffawing. Loudly.
This is just perfect.
I have already sent the thread URL to Helen for her amusement.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.
-- Bob
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For Jor-El so loved the Earth, he sent his only begotten son...
Re: Vogue - HoagieOfDoom - 04-14-2006
*raucous laughter ensues*
Wow.. funniest thing I've read in a while.*********
Touched By His Noodly Appendage
www.venganza.org
Re: re: Vogue - Logan Darklighter - 04-15-2006
SHATTER!!!-Logan
-----------------
"This kind of thing tends invariably to devolve into the kind of "No, Nakajima, THIS is true power!!" argument that only really works if you're yelling it from the cockpit of a giant robot . . ."
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Whew! - SkyeFire - 04-15-2006
Wow. I woke up this morning convinced that I'd completely overreached myself, and instead people actually like it.
The whole thing started with the "Tuxedo Helmet" image -- once that bit me, I just couldn't get it to let go. The rest was just finding a way to *justify* it.
One thing I *couldn't* quite figure out, though, was what *other* twists Doug would have put on the theme. I mean, tux-with-cycle-helmet, okay. But what would he use instead of roses? Or the walking stick? Inquiring minds want to know....
Re: Whew! - HoagieOfDoom - 04-15-2006
For roses, what about those Bugs Bunny badges Doug bought in MegaTokyo for the funerals? (Or were they general Looney Tunes badges? Can't remember.) He could use them as mini discuses (disci?).*********
Touched By His Noodly Appendage
www.venganza.org
Re: Vogue - itsune9tl - 04-15-2006
Can anybody else see Doug dressed in a Tux topped with an over sized helmet (by way of Space Balls)? doing a Tuxedo Mask pose?
Re: Vogue - DHBirr - 04-15-2006
Hmmm ... can I come up with any way to praise this that isn't just an echo of somebody else? Well, yes, I can. Aside from the hilarity of this story -- you don't want to know how long I laughed after reading it -- I really liked the notion that memory of the incident was good for the group's morale "even towards the end, when it began to seem as if the light at the end of the tunnel had gone out."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the same wonderfully demented writer who gave us Priss' adopted daughter forming a band of "Saber Senshi"? (On a thread that seems to have been lost in the Great Virus Attack -- at least, I can't find it anymore.) Please, SkyeFire, turn your glorious insanity loose on DW5. I'm snickering already at imagining what caliber of weirdness you could add there.
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Big Brother is watching you. And damn, you are so bloody BORING.
Guilty as charged. - SkyeFire - 04-16-2006
As for Jennifer and her Saber Senshi, yep, that was me. If the forum version has been lost, I still have it webbed at fiction.skyefire.org. And the struggling-to-be-produced next chapter is *still* languishing on my hard drive....
As for turning my "glorious insanity" loose on DW5, it's kinda hard to *do* that before Bob writes the *original* work for me to riff on. So y'gotta bug Bob first.
Of course, I *suppose* that the occasional silly, inconsequential omake might not be out of the question, assuming the bug bites hard enough again.
