+- Drunkard's Walk Forums (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums)
+-- Forum: General (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=1)
+--- Forum: Fenspace (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=12)
+---- Forum: Fiction (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=13)
+---- Thread: [Story] [dark] Miyu. (/showthread.php?tid=1859)
[Story] [dark] Miyu. - CattyNebulart - 03-01-2007
Many thanks to Kouten for editing.
------
"They never learn, do they?" Miyu thought to herself, looking down
at the bounty hunter who was hiding behind some kludged together machine
on top of a building. He hadn't noticed her yet on the catwalk above and
behind him, he was too busy aiming his sniper rifle. Miyu silently
dropped down behind him, before darting forward and delivering a spin
kick to his head that spun him head over heels backwards, to land with a
thud on the roof.
Feeling for a pulse with one hand while the other hand searched him
for weapons.
"Good, he will live," Miyu thought to herself as she felt for a
pulse with one hand while searching for weapons with the other. Further
feeling his skull for fractures, and finding none, she bound her captive
and checked over her loot, using his own handcuffs he to tie him up.
"Neat! A Firestar M40, I have wanted one of these for my collection for
a while now. The rest of this is worthless junk though, even his wallet
is empty." Checking once more to make sure the bounty hunter was
unconscious she went over to the sniper rifle and set up for the shot.
No need to let an opportunity like this go to waste.
Miyu wasn't sure what she was feeling as the cross hairs of the
sniper rifle lined up with the messy brown hair of the Professor, tears
pooling in her eyes as she thought of what he did to her, what he meant
to her. He was the bane of her existence, her creator, the one who took
her away from Allysa, her master whose every command she had to obey,
the man she loved. It was with that last thought that she pulled the
trigger.
The shot rang out and a piece of metal flew at supersonic speed
crossing the distance in moments even to Miyu's hyper sped up
perceptions, closing inevitably with the Professor's head. Several
emotions raced through her, joy at being free, regret, and a pulse of
anger at Catty who had the current bodyguard duty that she didn't
prevent this. Then the bullet bounced of with a loud twang of the
Professors hair. Sighing, not sure if it was with relief or regret at
her failure, Miyu stood up. "Bulletproof hair gel, I should have known."
*_*
A little latter back on the Sol Bianca, Catty came across Miyu
stalking the other way, visibly bristling with fury. Smirking, Catty
decided to help Miyu out by letting her vent a little. "She always
gets a little too tightly wound after an attempt to kill the boss. A
good rant and she'll feel better." Reasoned Catty to herself, "besides
baiting Miyu is fun."
"Hey Miyu, aren't you glad the Prof wasn't hurt today?" asked Catty
with a mocking smirk.
For one moment, Miyu's hydraulic pump stopped, her guilt,
disappointment and rage vanishing into pure panic as one thought raced
through her head; "She knows what I did!" Followed by a renewed surge of
rage, "she knows and is still baiting me!" Riding the surge of anger
Miyu grabbed Catty's neck and slammed her into a bulkhead, before
rationality reasserted itself. "She couldn't know, she's just baiting me
as usual."
"Dammit Catty! The Professor could have gotten hurt today!" Miyu
screamed into Catty's face. Seizing one of the reasons Catty would
understand for her being upset she continued, "You where on bodyguard
duty! You were supposed to prevent close calls like that!"
Calmly taking Miyu's arm and removing it from her neck using her
far superior strength, Catty waited until her feet touched the floor
again before responding calmly, "He didn't get hurt at all."
"That is not the point! What about next time? He could have died!"
"That's generally what people expect when they shoot someone. If
you had knocked that bounty hunter out just a bit earlier the Professor
wouldn't have gotten shot, now would he? After all it isn't as if you
would shoot him now would you?" Catty prodded her, smirk widening, and
adding a knowing wink hat chilled Miyu to the core.
Miyu's slap echoed down the corridor. "Don't joke about that! Just
don't!" And with that, Miyu turned around and stalked off, leaving
Catty to rub her red cheek.
"What was that for?" Wondered Catty to herself.
*_*
Later that day Miyu was in her room, which was rather spartan, except
for the walls, which were covered by weapons of various kinds mostly
firearms, a few even hung from the ceiling. Miyu was busying herself
attaching the new sniper rifle to the ceiling, the pistol already
cleaned but not put in with the other weapons she had yet to use,
because she wanted to add it to her collection soon. Forcefully
drawing her thoughts away from the pistol and what she was going to
use it for. Miyu concentrated on aligning the rifle perfectly, and
looking for any blemishes, though after spending three hours
obsessively cleaning it there where none. Anything to distract herself
from what she had almost done, from what each and every one of these
weapons signified, from what she was going to do with the pistol.
Finally done with her self appointed task Miyu allowed herself to
breakdown and collapse on the utilitarian bed, crying.
"Why?" She sobbed into her blankets, "Am I going insane?" Miyu was so
engrossed in her own misery and self-doubts that she didn't notice
Ryoko entering until she sat down next to Miyu setting down the tray
she was carrying.
"You missed lunch, " said Ryoko, setting down a tray with steaming
food. "But that's no reason to cry." Reaching out Ryoko started
massaging Miyu's shoulders.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
Re: [help needed][dark] Miyu. - Acyl - 03-07-2007
You're right. As it stands, the second section does not convey the implications you want it to have. I read it before scrolling back to see the first part of your message...and yeah, I totally did not get the idea.
So.
I'm not entirely sure how to go about fixing it, however. Your style is distinctly different from mine, and I don't know your characters. Obviously.
That said, if I were doing it, I'd devote a little more space to the section...it's the sort of subtext that perhaps could use a few more lines to really draw out.
You might also want to begin the scene with Catty approaching Miyu, rather than the other way around. It wouldn't need a major restructuring, just the addition of a new start: Catty comes up to Miyu, makes some sort of...I dunno, knowing comment. THEN Miyu reacts badly, rounding on Catty like in your present draft.
This way...Miyu's reacting. She's not the one who started the confrontation.
You wanted Catty to hint that she knows what Miyu did. Having Catty be the one to start that scene, places her in the role of the challenger. The accuser. "I know what you did". It's the sort of subtle framing shift that helps convey the idea.
You may also want to recast that scene, in general, as slightly more from Catty's point of view, not Miyu's. Use Catty as the viewpoint character - you can get away with that, this is third-person omniscient. Doesn't have to be full-fledged viewpoint, but bias it a little more towards Catty.
Why? Well, the "camera" remains on Catty once Miyu storms away, and what you want to end on is Catty's puzzlement. You want the reader to associate with that puzzlement.
Or something.
I hope this helps...
-- Acyl
Re: [help needed][dark] Miyu. - CattyNebulart - 03-08-2007
Yeah thanks Acyl, this helps a lot.
Thanks a lot, I have been working on revamping it while I have the energy, but it's been slow going. now that the fever is gone I will hopefully have this up in a day or two.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."