[I/OOC][WIP][STORY][Season 1][RFC] Less Than

[robkelk]

Labster
I'm just going to say that one of the reasons that this has been slow for me to read is the amount of cringe in some chapters.

In this case, I'm defining "cringe" as "stuff you would see someone write on LinkedIn."

TroublesomeCorvid
*Blinks* Okay. I was NOT expecting THAT.

Labster
haha

I'm thinking of this one: https://trungphan.substack.com/p/why-is-...cringe?s=r

two main types: the humblebrag, and the received wisdom.

What even is Benjamin Rhodes? she thought to herself. How is it that someone who is just a mere mortal man could have learned this kind of wisdom? What in the names of all the Gods forged this person? How can he so easily refute the dichotomy that I thought mattered so much? And in such a way that he makes me understand why it is so flawed?

This paragraph hit all the Mary Sue flags for me. It made me cringe a little, which took me out of the story.

I have to agree with Labster here. You've got a major celestial being who's existed for millennia doubting the core of her very existence after a few weeks of knowing your SI.

So far, I've been letting the "everybody loves Benjamin" effect slide because deconstruction does require some setup... but it's looking like you're never going to get around to doing the deconstruction of "everybody loves the SI". Heck, you've even got Accelerator liking Benjamin, for no apparent reason, and in canon the only person who Accelerator likes (as opposed to tolerates) other than himself is Last Order.

There has to be somebody out there who doesn't think Benjamin is the greatest thing since sliced bread. For that matter, there has to be somebody out there who isn't an enemy who actually dislikes Benjamin. (That dislike doesn't need to be the same as the Rob/Sebastian dynamic, of course).

We can paper over a lot of the "everybody loves the SI" effect by blaming Drosselmeyer, of course... but that has its own issues.


"Benjamin gave me a stern talking-to," admitted Minako. "And he's one-hundred-per-cent right. I really shouldn't be selfish this way. But I'm still scared."

Makoto sighed dreamily. "Benjamin reminds me of my sempai..."

Ami gasped in shock. "Will the two of you listen to yourselves? Benjamin is human and flawed, not the second coming of Endymion!"

"That isn't what you were saying about Benjamin during the Christmas party..."

"Rei, my emotions were being controlled during the Christmas party! Yes, I thought Benjamin was a paragon of humanity back then, but I was also thinking that I wanted to give myself to Rob and damn the consequences. I can't trust anything I was feeling back then!"

Labster
There's nothing wrong with talking about child sexuality. It's a topic that must exist, but it's become taboo -- even as talking about other forms of sexuality became common.

There's only so much that I can talk about here, due to the laws in Canada being different from the laws in the USA. About all I can contribute here are the purely mechanical bits about whether such activities are medically safe for the participants at various stages of physical development.

[robkelk]

Labster
I'm just going to say that one of the reasons that this has been slow for me to read is the amount of cringe in some chapters.

In this case, I'm defining "cringe" as "stuff you would see someone write on LinkedIn."

TroublesomeCorvid
*Blinks* Okay. I was NOT expecting THAT.

Labster
haha

I'm thinking of this one: https://trungphan.substack.com/p/why-is-...cringe?s=r

two main types: the humblebrag, and the received wisdom.

What even is Benjamin Rhodes? she thought to herself. How is it that someone who is just a mere mortal man could have learned this kind of wisdom? What in the names of all the Gods forged this person? How can he so easily refute the dichotomy that I thought mattered so much? And in such a way that he makes me understand why it is so flawed?

This paragraph hit all the Mary Sue flags for me. It made me cringe a little, which took me out of the story.

I have to agree with Labster here. You've got a major celestial being who's existed for millennia doubting the core of her very existence after a few weeks of knowing your SI.

Okay, I got some serious quibbles here.

I wouldn't classify the Senshi in any state, be it as a "Guardian" or a "Princess", as a "Celestial Being", and primarily for the same reasons you had me refrain from making Hotaru an aspect of Death.

That was my error - I conflated this with Hild's opinion of Ben. I apologize for the error.

I also point out that the fact that I could make that error shows that the displacee characters need to be shown to have a wider variety of opinions about the self-inserts.


(snippage)

Lindy Harlaown...  Benjamin is gonna bug the crap out of her, and mainly because she feels like he stole Fate away from her.  She'll come to understand him in short order, but actually liking him is going to be a long time in coming.

I agree that Benjamin is gonna bug the crap out of Lindy Harlaown, but not because he took Fate from her. He's going to bug her because she'll see him - with evidence - as a living Lost Logia that isn't under TSAB control. Either the AMP field or the antimatter generation would be enough to put Ben in that class; having both clinches it.

Which also means that Hayate is no doubt under orders to convince Ben to join the TSAB, no matter what she thinks of him as a person. Hayate being Hayate, she'll admit to this at the first opportunity and then go on with building the relationship that she wants.

The Fan Sisters...  I'm gonna play it up for laughs.  Thing is, they'll be extremely upset about what Ben does to Gauron, so they're pretending to be "rehabilitated" in order to get close to him.  Thing is?  They can't quite figure out how to kill him in a way that he will actually stay dead.  The fun part is that other people have noticed and told Ben as such.  His response?

"Look at it this way.  If they're busy trying to come up with a way to kill me, then that means they're not doing other ungodly horrible things in the name of Gauron."

"Because of course nobody can work on two or more projects at the same time, the way we did all the time in the civil service. For my sake, keep a closer eye on them, Ben."


(snippage)

Hagal is going to be weirdly tsundere.  She'll hate the fact that Hild humiliated her and her underlings by forcing them to go on a short "vacation" with Benjamin in the aftermath of the Teletha Incident.  And then Hild dragged every single detail out of her afterward (which is how she became so "interested" in Benjamin).  Hagal is now conflicted - she's not fond of mortals, least of all Benjamin, so she'd rather be exorcised than admit that she actually enjoyed the sex.  She's in the closet about it, but she'd like to have another go at him.  (Seriously, it's entirely physical for her.  But getting with someone you hate for a wild night of debauchery is kinda on-point for demons.)

I don't see Hagal having sex with any mortal. She has lackeys for that sort of "distasteful" task.

Ranma Saotome is going to be so fucking envious of Benjamin when they find out Benjamin can become Yamina, and more or less at their own choosing.  What will make it funny is that Ranma will at first think it's a Cursed Spring effect and try to get one on Benjamin by splashing him with cold water.  Of course, this only pisses him off.  The great equalizer between them?  The fact that Benjamin's AMF works on Ranma's Chi abilities, and Benjamin has his superhuman strength.

Wait, what?

Ben can damp down chi, too?

Oh, fuck.


Quoting Wikipedia:

In traditional Chinese culture and the East Asian cultural sphere, qi, also ki or ch'i in Wade–Giles romanization (/ˈtʃiː/ CHEE qì), is believed to be a vital force forming part of any living entity. Literally meaning "vapor", "air", or "breath", the word qi is often translated as "vital energy", "vital force", "material energy", or simply as "energy". Qi is the central underlying principle in Chinese traditional medicine and in Chinese martial arts. The practice of cultivating and balancing qi is called qigong.

Believers in qi describe it as a vital force, the flow of which must be unimpeded for health.

So... If Ben can damp down Ranma's chi, he's can turn off Ranma's martial arts. By definition.

Ben's also revealing himself as a proto-youma by messing with somebody else's life energy - not something that's going to endear him to any of the Sailor Senshi, including Usagi.

He's also showing that there is no force on Earth that can possibly stop him.

And Lord Phantomhive is going to trust this guy with control over the assembled (pseudo-)military and espionage forces of the displacees, thus giving him even more power? Even canonical Sakura Wars knew the danger of putting the strike and espionage forces under the control of the same person. Yes, they reported to the same C-in-C, but said C-in-C was - to use TNB terms - at Phantomhive's level, not an apartment manager's.

Either your SI needs to be severely depowered, or Belldandy needs to show up with a limiter for Ben, or TNB isn't a deconstruction after all.

[robkelk]

First thought: When did anybody say anything about letting Kuubey anywhere near the Gunslinger Girls? As far as I know, Kuubey and AMALGAM have never made contact.

Second thought: Rico's going to have something to say about that offer...

"Yeah, they brainwashed me. They brainwashed me to be loyal to Jean. Not dependant, just loyal. And they brainwashed me to not care that they brainwashed me. And that's all. Have you ever been brainwashed, Signor Rhodes and Signora Akemi? Or even gone through Stockholm Syndrome? Signor Donaldson and Signora Mizuno say they didn't like being brainwashed. But I don't mind. And you know why I don't mind? Because the Social Welfare Agency didn't erase my memories. I remember every minute of being tetraplegic. I see you're surprised. You thought none of us remembered who we were before, right? You don't know as much about us as you thought. The loyalty brainwashing? That was the price for me to be able to walk around and hold things. It's a price I knew going in, and I paid it willingly! And now you come here and say you want to take my prosthetics - my freedom - away from me? Let me regenerate back to being tetraplegic? Fuck you, and fuck the horse you rode in on! Generale Yoneda or Signor Donaldson will take me in, I'm sure. And they won't tell me that I have to go back to being a basket case!"


EDIT: But, hey, at least there'd be one person who hates Ben and isn't afraid to say why.

Third thought: If that's Ben's first step, Kaji and Beatrice are going to be pissed off that Ben ruined their carefully-crafted op.

[Black Aeronaut]

.....

You know what?  I'm gonna be honest.

I didn't read a fucking word or what you wrote for Rico there.

And you know why?

Because I could already tell what was in there just by the first few words.

And you know what else?

This completely fucking ruined my night.

Immature?

Yes.  It is.  I shouldn't be caring so goddamned much about this that it fucks me up emotionally.

I can't do this any more.  I need to walk away before I drive myself and everyone else here insane.

[robkelk]

First thought: When did anybody say anything about letting Kuubey anywhere near the Gunslinger Girls? As far as I know, Kuubey and AMALGAM have never made contact.

Second thought: Rico's going to have something to say about that offer...

...

With regard to the Gunslinger Girl characters, I should not have put my frustration at your attempt to take a group of characters away from me into the mouth of one of those characters. For that, I apologize.