Would you mind giving me some feedback?

[Jinx999]

I've written a short fanfic for Halkegenia Online. The last part (with links to the previous parts) is at:
http://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/t ... st-5807136
Can anyone provide me with some comments?
I'd especially like to know which, if either, of the two main characters seemed more sensible, and if they had distinct voices.