Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice – Review
Okay – right out
of the gate – I am planning on spoilering the fuck out of this film, you
if you want your movie-going hymen to remain unsullied, then read no
further.
First off, this movie sucks more ass then the cleansing
cycle of a colonic irrigation machine (which means it simultaneously
blows more ass than a colonic irrigation machine – and isn't that a
pleasant thought.) Though having written that, it sucks in different
ways than I was expecting. For example, I admire Zack Snyder's
commitment to the show don't tell school of film making, but in this
case it would have been more effective for him to have written 'Martha'
on his penis and personally dick-slapped everyone in the audience.
The plot is a hot mess; we are talking about gorilla's throwing
handfuls of steaming spaghetti in marinara sauce at the Mona Lisa in an
act of art-world bukkake that would set both tips of Salvador Dali's
moustache aflame. The writers clearly wanted an ensemble team of the
Joker, Lex Luthor, the riddler, a slacker sphincter-douche, and a high
functioning autistic savant as the villains, but they decided to spend
the money on other things and just rolled them all into Lex Luthor. Why
anyone would give this guy unsupervised access to an alien ship, or
even unsupervised access to a vending machine is a mystery that the film
doesn't have a clear answer for. His motivations are kind of
understandable (In a raped by Zeus as a swan sort of way) but his plan
falls squarely at the intersection of bug-fuck and nuts; with no way
that he isn't going to end up dead or in jail. If he is a super genius
it is of the Wile-E-Coyote school of super geniuses and he was at the
bottom of the class. He isn't the only one struggling with motivation,
as both Batman and Superman flip like coins on their reasons for doing
what they are doing and then suddenly become best of buddies after a
Martha in the face from the director.
Pacing is terrible right
across the board, with long stretches being tedious in the extreme, with
only a handful of action set pieces, most of which (with the exception
of Batman's Martha themed beat down) being merely okay. I would be very
interested in seeing the Director's Cut with the 30+ minutes of
material restored – not because I think it will improve the film, but
more because I want to see what was less important than unending cuts of
people walking towards graves or abandoned mansions through long grass.
Now most of all what annoyed me about this film was that there was not a
single drop of hope in it at all. No real hope for a better world, no
sense of accomplishment by the protagonists, nothing is made better be
their actions. If this was Inside Out, Sadness would have capped Joy
in the face with a .32 leaving, Anger, Disgust and Fear to clean up what
is left behind (and for the record, the wall behind Joy would be
brainier than the Lex Luthor of this film). I can't recall smiling in
this film or laughing. At all. Watchman had more jokes and genuine
laughs in it. Let that sink in for a moment, the bleak and desolate
deconstruction of the superhero genre had more smiles and laughs in it
than the film with three of the most heroic, recognizable, icons of the
genre.
Okay I will admit I smiled once. At Doomsday. Not
because they chose that particular piss poor storyline to use in the
film, the Superman Dies bit. No. I nearly laughed because the ship and
Luthor going on about the 'dread mutation'. Then we see Doomsday, and
he doesn't have a pecker (or any genitals for that matter.). In species
with two sexes, that is the sort of mutation that tends to sort itself
out of the pool pretty quickly. Dread mutation. Yep. You're looking
at one.
So what did I like. Ben Affleck is the best Batman since
Michael Keaton; and Jeremy Irons does an interesting scruffy version of
Alfred the butler, acting more as a partner than a slightly
disapproving parental figure. Gal Gadot isn't really given enough to do
to get even a glimpse of what her Wonder Woman is like, but there are
glimpses of genuine enjoyment in her eyes during the final battle, so
that might bode well for her take on the character.
Oh and the
setup for the next films was extremely lame – one step away from having
Batman stumble across them on trending YouTube videos. Each and every
one looking dark, brooding, tragic and as much fun as a boot delivered
at high velocity to the jacksie.
This film is cordially invited to eat a keg of dismembered donkey dicks.
Okay – right out
of the gate – I am planning on spoilering the fuck out of this film, you
if you want your movie-going hymen to remain unsullied, then read no
further.
First off, this movie sucks more ass then the cleansing
cycle of a colonic irrigation machine (which means it simultaneously
blows more ass than a colonic irrigation machine – and isn't that a
pleasant thought.) Though having written that, it sucks in different
ways than I was expecting. For example, I admire Zack Snyder's
commitment to the show don't tell school of film making, but in this
case it would have been more effective for him to have written 'Martha'
on his penis and personally dick-slapped everyone in the audience.
The plot is a hot mess; we are talking about gorilla's throwing
handfuls of steaming spaghetti in marinara sauce at the Mona Lisa in an
act of art-world bukkake that would set both tips of Salvador Dali's
moustache aflame. The writers clearly wanted an ensemble team of the
Joker, Lex Luthor, the riddler, a slacker sphincter-douche, and a high
functioning autistic savant as the villains, but they decided to spend
the money on other things and just rolled them all into Lex Luthor. Why
anyone would give this guy unsupervised access to an alien ship, or
even unsupervised access to a vending machine is a mystery that the film
doesn't have a clear answer for. His motivations are kind of
understandable (In a raped by Zeus as a swan sort of way) but his plan
falls squarely at the intersection of bug-fuck and nuts; with no way
that he isn't going to end up dead or in jail. If he is a super genius
it is of the Wile-E-Coyote school of super geniuses and he was at the
bottom of the class. He isn't the only one struggling with motivation,
as both Batman and Superman flip like coins on their reasons for doing
what they are doing and then suddenly become best of buddies after a
Martha in the face from the director.
Pacing is terrible right
across the board, with long stretches being tedious in the extreme, with
only a handful of action set pieces, most of which (with the exception
of Batman's Martha themed beat down) being merely okay. I would be very
interested in seeing the Director's Cut with the 30+ minutes of
material restored – not because I think it will improve the film, but
more because I want to see what was less important than unending cuts of
people walking towards graves or abandoned mansions through long grass.
Now most of all what annoyed me about this film was that there was not a
single drop of hope in it at all. No real hope for a better world, no
sense of accomplishment by the protagonists, nothing is made better be
their actions. If this was Inside Out, Sadness would have capped Joy
in the face with a .32 leaving, Anger, Disgust and Fear to clean up what
is left behind (and for the record, the wall behind Joy would be
brainier than the Lex Luthor of this film). I can't recall smiling in
this film or laughing. At all. Watchman had more jokes and genuine
laughs in it. Let that sink in for a moment, the bleak and desolate
deconstruction of the superhero genre had more smiles and laughs in it
than the film with three of the most heroic, recognizable, icons of the
genre.
Okay I will admit I smiled once. At Doomsday. Not
because they chose that particular piss poor storyline to use in the
film, the Superman Dies bit. No. I nearly laughed because the ship and
Luthor going on about the 'dread mutation'. Then we see Doomsday, and
he doesn't have a pecker (or any genitals for that matter.). In species
with two sexes, that is the sort of mutation that tends to sort itself
out of the pool pretty quickly. Dread mutation. Yep. You're looking
at one.
So what did I like. Ben Affleck is the best Batman since
Michael Keaton; and Jeremy Irons does an interesting scruffy version of
Alfred the butler, acting more as a partner than a slightly
disapproving parental figure. Gal Gadot isn't really given enough to do
to get even a glimpse of what her Wonder Woman is like, but there are
glimpses of genuine enjoyment in her eyes during the final battle, so
that might bode well for her take on the character.
Oh and the
setup for the next films was extremely lame – one step away from having
Batman stumble across them on trending YouTube videos. Each and every
one looking dark, brooding, tragic and as much fun as a boot delivered
at high velocity to the jacksie.
This film is cordially invited to eat a keg of dismembered donkey dicks.
