Hnrgggg. Dialogue check needed.

[Wiregeek]

Halp!
I've got a chunk of dialogue being observed and commented on by the protagonist. I'm using a first-person narrative mode, heavy on the internal commentary. (It's a hack of an exposition tool, but it should serve to get the wheels turning and get this story the hell out of $Starting_Town, which I expected to have left in the dust in a couple thousand words... ).
I'm not happy with the structure of the call and response of this. I'd like someone to sanity-check this, if anyone has a free moment to tell me how to unscrew 500-1000 words (I'm at 450 words right now, I'd say this scene is ~50% finished).
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[CattyNebulart]

it helps if you include the text you are working on or a link to it.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[Wiregeek]

that part I was planning on handling via email or PM, actually.
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[dark seraph]

I be willing to give it a shot Wire.

[classicdrogn]

Hit me if you want a third set of eyes - username at yahoo, no caps

- CD
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows

[Bob Schroeck]

Likewise, as dialogue is one of my strengths I'll be happy to take a look.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[ECSNorway]

Also, don't forget the old standby of just reading it aloud and seeing if it flows naturally when you're talking through it. If it sounds stilted when you try to say it, it probably needs work. (Unless you're TRYING to write for a stuffy pedantic SOB...)
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Wiregeek]

I'm going to try the spoken voice trick, assuming I can strike the right stimulant balance when I get home. Also going to run the whole chapter through an edit cycle.

Now I remember the part of writing I loathed - the incessant editing!
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies