Request for prereader

[Dartz]

So I've been doing this Self Insert for the last 4 years, off and on... kind of inspired by IWATD, but trying to be different and plow its own furrow. Writing style changes a bit as it goes on but, if you've never heard of it, it's available here. That's up to part 10 done.

Anyway,

I've got part 11 finished, but it's short a prereader... I was kind of hoping that somebody here might be familiar enough with the fic, and would have time to spare to give it a quick once over. I tried it myself, however as people may know, I'm not the best when it comes to the intricacies of the English language (to put it mildly). My old prereader left the fandom about a year ago...and it kinda shows.

Plotwise... I think Noriko might whine a little too much... but one of the criticisms previously was that she didn't whine enough. It's quite hard to find a medium on that. She also repeats herself a bit.

Is anybody willing to take a look on this? It's about 73 pages of .odt
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[hmelton]

I just read the first chapter and want to say good self insert so far.

I'm can't really preread between staying busy with work, family and a habit of seeing what's supposed to be there instead of what is actually there I don't make a good pre-reader.

howard melton

God Bless

[CattyNebulart]

I would have expected more responses by now. I'll try to take a look but I'm quite busy at the moment.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[CattyNebulart]

grumble, I'll have limited computer acsess untill sunday, but if you can email me the story at cattynebulart@gmail.com i might be able to review it sooner than that. Unfortunatly i can't promise anyhing.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[Dartz]

Thanks mate... was just about to go and run with it. I'll send the .odt
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[Logan Darklighter]

Just read through all of it. Very good stuff. Since the last chapter is still fresh in my mind, I thought I'd mention that the idea of the sets of memories merging to become one person puts a pretty unique spin on the whole self-insert trope. I like it a lot.
Edit: Oh - and the Psychological break was handled superbly - and I love your version of Misato even more for her attempt at helping.

[Acyl]

I remember reading this some time ago. If I'm not mistaken, it's actually been recommended here independently of your posts.
I'll probably have to take another look later...but if I recall the story right, you had a pretty good thing going with the viewpoint character...pretty much constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That was well done, and I felt it worked.
As you point out, it's a challenge to depict a main character that evokes a sense of pathos from the reader, without it swerving into I wanna punch some sense into this emo kid territory. That's a tough line to walk. That said, a certain level of angst fits the Evangelion universe, thematically...because, really, a hypercompetent perfect and confident hero is precisely what you don't want in an Evangelion fic. Unless you're aiming to subvert the series, of course. And that's not really your intent, I'm guessing.
What is your intent with the story, though? What kind of outcome are you leading towards? What kind of ending? What kind of tone and feel? Because if you're asking for technical critique and feedback on your writing...well, form matches function. For instance, is Noriko progressively getting her act together and making the world better? Or can she expect more and more curveballs? That's the sort of thing that might be helpful for a proofreader. Although if you intend to play your cards closer to the chest, and are merely looking for initial reactions to the new text, that's a different matter.
Are you looking for substantive comments or merely technical editing help, cleaning up grammar, phrasing, and the like?
Anyway, I'm also willing to proofread and comment if you're looking for a third opinion. Mostly technical commentary, mind; it's been a long time since I wore my literature critic hat. E-mail's acyl84, it's a gmail account.
-- Acyl

[Dartz]

Thanks mate, but it's almost done.

I'm trying to keep Noriko from being a one-whine pony. She tries to get her act together and will start to try deliberately affect the world around her as she gets more confident in herself. At the end of the latest part, she's worked out her big issue for the most part, and is generally in a good place. Of course, being Evangelion that won't last.... especially when she accidentally makes things worse in one event, damn near gets killed in the next, repeats the mistake made by Asuka, and finds out exactly what happened to her.

And I'm aiming towards a bit of a bittersweet ending for this. To give you an idea of how... the first version of the story had spent the entire thing building up to an awesome battle with Noriko and Asuka against the MPEva's.... only for Noriko to get shot in the back by the JSSDF and bleed out in a corridor in front of Shinji before ever making it to her Eva. She lasted long enough to accept instrumentality as a happy place for her, and decided it was okay to stay there.
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[Logan Darklighter]

I wouldn't mind being a pre-reader as well. I'm only a pre-reader on DW at present. And that's kinda going slowly. I'm sure I'd have enough time for this. email: logan DOT darklighter AT gmail.

[Logan Darklighter]

Oh Hey! New chapter up!
Must say again, really enjoying this one. And I echo what Acyl said - the angst level is just about right. I mean, she (and definitely SHE) is on the knife's edge. But most of her decisions make sense in context.
The one thing I'm not quite sure of is her near irrational hatred of Kaworu. I mean, I get it, yeah. But why doesn't she avail herself of the opportunity to actually TALK with an angel and get more of the whole picture? I mean, if she's going to try and prevent 3rd Impact she could sure use the "enemy" inside information. You did good with her in the Entry Plug when he was there. And I'm fascinated by the little tidbits of him NOT being "perfect" (getting banged up and then seemingly confused by pain) that you showed.
And the bit where he doesn't seem to even be aware that someone ELSE is in there and that it's not just Noriko he saved - THAT I want to see followed up on. As in - **YOINK** "C'mere you, were going somewhere private for a few hours and you're going to EXPLAIN YOURSELF and this whole business with the angels and with yanking me from an alternate timeline!!!"  If he goes "Huh?" at the alternate timeline bit, that will be VERY interesting.
Also - his comment that Material WANTED to die, puts an interesting spin on the whole "weakest Angel attack" of the series. Almost as if the 9th Angel was as reluctant to destroy humanity as Kaworu is. But doesn't have the option of being in a human shell. So just makes a "going through the motions" attack so as to just get it over with. Or maybe - is just plain tired of the whole cyclic nature of the universe and doesn't see the point. (A suicidally depressed angel? How... Evangelion of you. ^_^ Now I'm hearing Material's voice in my head and it sounds like Marvin the Paranoid android. "Life... don't talk to me about life..."  ;D)
Anyway. Looking forward to more.
-Logan
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(PS - And if you want to drop me a line I'd still be happy to pre-read. Bob can probably vouch that I can ask some pretty interesting questions. And the way my twisted mind works, I come up with some decidedly odd tangents at times from free association. (See here and here for examples.)  ^_^)

[Dartz]

Thanks mate.

EVA is built on miscommunication. If Noriko managed to talk with Kawaoru, she'd probably get enough information to figure out just what's happened to her.... and might be able to deal with it as she is now. The problem with Noriko following it up, is that Kawaoru will go 'Huh?' at the alternate timeline bit, and that'd make things too obvious too quickly. It'd kill the rest of the story if Noriko found out the truth, and ruin some really nice stuff I have coming up later in the fic, after Areal. It's one of the big moments planned and about the only one that survived from when I started writing this thing. I'm really being careful about it, because I got to be careful not to make it too obvious to the reader, and then Noriko just looks like a moron as she either doesn't see it or refuses to believe it.

It's also why she didn't try log in to that 'pop-culture wiki' using her old handle.... it'd blow the lid off the mystery far too soon. I'm dancing a tightrope on it, trying to keep it from being a wallbanger.

Angelic Marvin's make me lol greatly, you're pretty much bang on with it being tired of the cyclic nature of the universe, so he's given up fighting because he never wins, and joined Kawaoru's side. He can't choose not to fight, so he just doesn't give two sods and puts up as little fight as he can. However, Sahaquiel, has learned quite a bit from previous iterations, and might have a way to win.

I'm glad you liked it though. I still have to start part 12, (Noriko ended up in a completely different psychological place than I expected. But depending on things, I'll email you when it's well underway. I post work in progress stuff on TFF and Spacebattles though.
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[Dartz]

Nearly 2 years after the fact....

Part 12 is finished. (By the crude expedient of moving the goalpost to give more to the next chapter than an Angel stretched for far too long). Also, just *why* doe these fics seem to die around Sahaquiel?

So. It's been posted in a sort-of serial format for a while otherwise and since I started the Shinji Ikari thing in Fenspace I started sparking for this again too. Would anybody be interested in taking a read through the rough version here?

It's like grinding diamonds writing this story. Especially keeping in mind all of what I've done.... and the fact that I tend to jump off my plans as I get better ideas along the way.
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[classicdrogn]

I find that when I have decided just how I'm going to make a story end, I lose much of the motivation needed to write the damn thing down - after all, that's work, and if I've already dug the top up and opened the chest, why keep digging to get the bottom out fo the hole? Between that and Sahaquiel marking when the series really started going off into psychodrama land with robot scenery instead of a giant robot battle with psychological twists, people stall out on it.

And, um, if you're going to keep an original-flavor ending, I'd prefer a warning now so I can stop reading. Eva was the original Fandom Gank, for me.

- CD, though Escaflowne would have done it if I saw it first
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows

[Dartz]

It won't be Gank.

It might be different from the expected resolution, I've always known roughly how I want to end it and it's definitely not an 'everybody' dies ending mind. the toughest part is getting through a centre that felt like filler in the original series. There's two more monster-of-the-weeks to get through after this one. Then a big moment....

Although I keep digging the hole because there's always something more down there. Or something I didn't expect. The last few bits of that scene were never planned, for example.... I didn't think of it until I was actually doing it.
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[Bob Schroeck]

Dartz, I'm about halfway through reading the new stuff, and I've been accumulating a set of notes for you. When I'm done, how do you want it -- emailed to you, posted here, some other option?
-- Bob
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Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Dartz]

Thanks!

You have my email address? That would be perfect.
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[Bob Schroeck]

It's not in my address book. Shoot me a line at the eclipse address (use the link in the menu at my website if you don't have it).
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Dartz]

Thunderbird had it saved away from when I sent across the images of that Doug figure I converted up a while back.
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[Bob Schroeck]

Okay, received and done.
-- Bob
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Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Dartz]

Now posted and stewing on FFN. Hopefully you don't mind a prereader's credit.
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