ROFL Beethoven, and tell Tchaikovsky the news

[ECSNorway]

Living Outside the Database, poor little Yui discovers the unpleasant reality of hunger:

"Papa! Papa!"

Kirito jumping up and instantly coming to attention with fatherly concern was sort of ruined by the fact that he tangled in his sleeping bag and flopped around like a landed fish. "Yui! What is it?-! Are you all right? I'm here Yui!" He flailed at his zipper and finally managed to open it.

"Papa… " Yui moaned. She was curled up in the fetal position, her head bowed, her hands wrapped around her stomach. "Papa … my stomach feels strange … I think I received a debuff while I was in [Sleep Mode] … "

Her stomach grumbled again.

And thus Yui received her first painful lesson in… well, pain. Specifically, hunger.

"This [hunger] mechanic is badly designed!" Yui declared as Kirito ran to buy food for his clearly-in-distress daughter (and everyone else too, he supposed). "We should send a strongly-worded message to the programmer! It's effects are too powerful! It needs to be [nerfed]!"

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Norgarth]

from the new EPU fic, Taken by Storm

"My ancestors would say that putting a building here is disrespectful to
the beauty of this landscape," Garnet mused in a thoughtful tone, then
went on matter-of-factly, "From this I can only conclude that my
ancestors were idiots, because damn, yo."

___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[LilFluff]

From Hail to the King, ch 4 Alicorns Don't Get Concussions (Not the Godzilla fic, but Ponyfic where dying human's afterlife is stolen* by the season three(?) Big-Bad villain, leaving the guy stuck in the villains body. *For extra insult the Big Bad is obsessed with stairs and steals the poor guy's place just to sit on the stairway to heaven rather than trying to go through the pearly gates)
Luna is not amused...

She nodded with what little slack her mane gave her. “And hast thou learned why one must always listen to his princess?”
“… Is it because there’s a rigid feudal system in place?”
“Try again.”
“Your magic powers confirm the force theory of government?”
“No.
It is because We are considerably older and wiser than thyself, and
when we tell thee something, it would behoove thee to listen,” she
corrected. “Now get Us out of here, and pray that Our mane is not
ruined.”

-----

Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.

[ordnance11]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/11122077/6 ... f-Monsters

"…You had one job."
The Sandaime Hokage was rubbing his temples
with the fingers of both his hands but even as he spoke to Kakashi his
eyes never left the form of poor Tora as it walked on his desk.
"…one…"
The
cat was entirely wrapped up in bandages from the waist down,
particularly around its ass area. In fact, its entire back half had been
wrapped up so thoroughly with bandages that the poor cat couldn't even
bend its back legs or twist its hips, forcing it to waddle across the
desk when it wanted to move. It kinda reminded me of how a penguin would
walk, making a tap-tap noise whenever it walked.
Tora's
eyes were wide open, so large that they resembled golf-balls and seemed
to fill half of its face. If it had any eyebrows, then I was sure they
would been raised up to it's hairline in surprise. Every few seconds the
cat would release a heartbreaking and baffled sounding meow, as if it was confused and had no idea what had happened.
Seriously, if there ever was a 'what the fuck just happened' face, then that was it. It has been wearing that expression since the incident, and as far as I can tell it hasn't even blinked once the entire time since.
Poor
Tora has been behaving like that for the entire time. It just kept
looking around the room with wide baffled eyes, occasional letting loose
another of it's confused sounding meow. And I couldn't blame the poor
thing, it's not like it woke up this morning thinking that this would be
the day that Kakashi would take its anal virginity. Hell, I'd be
wearing the same devastated look on my face if that ever happened to me.
"…and
you blew it." Sarutobi looked away from the cat and back to Kakashi,
exasperation clearly written on his face. "What were you thinking?"

__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[Black Aeronaut]

Oh my god... Please tell me the rest of the fic is like this!

[ordnance11]

Black Aeronaut wrote:

---

Oh my god... Please tell me the rest of the fic is like this!

Fahad has written 6 chapters to date. 1 through 4 is the set-up. Chapters 5 and 6 is the pay-off. I recommend reading it through first. Or dive right into chapter 5. If you don't mind people looking at you like you've lost your mind,  when you start laughing like a loon.
Here's a piece of Chapter 5: The Bell Test

"So did you get it?" Excitement clear in her voice.
"Yes, I got it. Tell Shikamaru that I got him the bait he wanted, hurry!"
"Ok, Ok," She held up her hands, "sheesh, calm down Hikaru. Why are you panicking?"
A
wave of Killing Intent washed over us, so thick it felt like we were
drowning in it. Above us the sky was filled with the fluttering of wings
as every birds that called the forest home fled to the skies. The world
flash with the colour of lightning blue before a maddened howl, more
beast than man, echoed through the woods.
"RAIKIRI!"
I gave Naruto a panicked glance, "That's why." Then I jabbed her, popping the clone so that the original could get the message.
It
was then that I made my mistake. Instead of following Shikamaru's
instructions and running straight ahead towards my destination, I
allowed my curiosity to get the better of me and made the mistake of
glancing at Kakashi with my Byakugan.
Oh how I wish I didn't.
Had
you ever seen a pissed off Elite Jonin, one that was really trying to
kill you? Not for a mission or duty but because he honest to god wanted
nothing more than to wrap his hands around your neck and squeeze until
it snaps. I did, and I'm not ashamed to say it scared the living crap
out of me.
His single eye shone with pure loathing as he came
after me, his mouth twisted into a hate filled snarl as foam dotted the
edge of his lips. He didn't even bother tree hopping and just ran
straight to me, cutting down anything that got in his way, leaving a
path of destruction behind him.
Oh Shit! I stopped looking at the madman and began hightailing out of there as fast as I could. Legs! Run Faster! RUN BITCH RUN!

__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[ECSNorway]

From "Gatecrash", the sequel to Mass Effect / Worm crossover "Exiled":

"Huh, either we suck, or they got someone over there with some skills. Cuz, seriously, they all can't be losers. Has to be someone out there who actually knows how to rock their tech." Uber reached over to open the channel. "Greetings and salutations, you have reached Murderous Hobos Anonymous, how may I direct your call?"

"Who are you?!" An older man shouted questioningly.

"I'm sorry, perhaps you didn't hear the 'anonymous' part of our title? I'm prohibited from divulging any of the names of our membership. Was there something else I could help you with?"

"Cease this attack immediately!"

"Man, seems to be a problem with the com line. Didn't you hear the 'Murderous' part either?" Uber asked the frantic voice as he traced the line. He nodded to himself when he found it coming from the crew quarters. "Pretty sure I mentioned the Murderous part. Sort of sets the stage for things, you know?"

"I want to speak to your commander, NOW!"

Uber snorted at the demand eyeing the left hand screen that was tracking the ground team. "Again, I really wish I could help you, but she's unavailable right now, you know, being on your ship, killing all your dudes. If you give her a minute, I'm sure she'll be with you shortly."

Uber couldn't help but smile at his timing. Two loud knocks sounding like the butt end of a pistol slamming against a metal door broke over the com line. "Yeah, that would be her. If you haven't yet, now would be a great time to shit yourself. So, fuck you, and have a nice day."

http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads ... t-17296272
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[classicdrogn]

From Hail to the King, ch 4 Alicorns Don't Get Concussions (Not the Godzilla fic, but Ponyfic where dying human's afterlife is stolen* by the season three(?) Big-Bad villain, leaving the guy stuck in the villains body. *For extra insult the Big Bad is obsessed with stairs and steals the poor guy's place just to sit on the stairway to heaven rather than trying to go through the pearly gates)

I'm going to have to second this one, it takes a bit to get rolling but it's got some really great moments in there. Here's another:

“With me, princess of love! Time is of the essence!” she cried. Just as quickly, though, she remembered she was supposed to be quiet. “That is, uh…” she murmured. “Follow thou Us, Cadence, for we have much to discover and no time for distraction.”

Thus, the two members of the royal family performed their sneaky, national security mission to knock someone unconscious and stare at his butt.

--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows

[Foxboy]

From: My Incredibly Convoluted Life as a Changeling Monarch - LordBrony2040

"Human in Equestria" fic, that's a sequel to a previous one that built up the convoluted relationships that eventually lead to this scene:

“Greetings everypony, by now I take it that you have received word that I will be taking a leave of absence for the foreseeable future,” Celestia began, much the same way she had started her speech.

She even paused to wait for the first wave of panic to get over with.

“Oh no!” Celestia’s aide involving foreign matters said as she put her hooves to her cheeks.

“Oh no!” the goddess’s financial aide shouted while he backed away.

“Oh no!” Tia’s aide that changeling intelligence said dealt with the school system cried.

My obligatory eye roll was cut off when the wall suddenly exploded to admit a large red pony I actually mistook to be Big Macintosh for a moment before he stood up on his hind legs to shout, “OH YEAH!”

I…untensed from what had become my pony combat stance and folded my wings back down to…blink at the sight. Then I looked up to Celestia and pointed towards the newcomer. “What the hay is that?”

The goddess returned my look of confusion with a giggle. “Oh, that’s my cool aide."

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/187407/ ... choriginal fic:http://www.fimfiction.net/story/181310/ ... t-overlord
''We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat
them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.''

-- James Nicoll

[Rajvik]

*facepalms*
 

[Bob Schroeck]

That... is the worst pun I've heard all week.

And I just had to share this, which I came across literally a minute ago. You might consider it, in its entirety, a crossover between Into the Woods and Web 2.0:

SORRY BUT YOUR PASSWORD MUST CONTAIN ONE NUMBER, ONE CAPITAL LETTER, THE COW AS WHITE AS MILK, THE CAPE AS RED AS BLOOD, THE HAIR AS YELLOW AS CORN, AND THE SLIPPER AS PURE AS GOLD

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Seraviel]

Bob Schroeck wrote:

---

That... is the worst pun I've heard all week.

And I just had to share this, which I came across literally a minute ago. You might consider it, in its entirety, a crossover between Into the Woods and Web 2.0:

SORRY BUT YOUR PASSWORD MUST CONTAIN ONE NUMBER, ONE CAPITAL LETTER, THE COW AS WHITE AS MILK, THE CAPE AS RED AS BLOOD, THE HAIR AS YELLOW AS CORN, AND THE SLIPPER AS PURE AS GOLD

Relevant: http://rockpapercynic.com/index.php?date=2012-02-03
-People may die, but ideas are forever. Je suis Charlie.

[ordnance11]

"I'm going to kill him." She said calmly in the deadly silence that
had taken over the room, meaning every word. "I'm gonna find that stupid
jock and then I'm going to kill him."
"Kaichou!" Tsubaki whipped her head to her king.
"It's a bomb." Sona managed to squeeze through gritted teeth. "The idiot brought a bomb with enough power to wipe out an entire town into my school, at a time when it was filled with students and when he was surrounded by my entire Peerage."
She whipped a hand to point at the screen which showed the redhead
flying swiftly towards the burning hill. "No wonder he gets along so
well with my sister, that idiot is just as crazy as she is."
"Kaichou,"
Sona glanced over to Tsubasa, the blunnete staring at the screen with a
remarkable amount of cool, "Do you remember what you told Shirou right
before the match?"
Sona furrowed her brows as she tried to figure
out what her Pawn was talking about and then she pale, all colour
draining from her face as she remembered.
Oh.
She
had encouraged him to stop holding back, pushed him to go all out
without caring for the consequences and what happened? The redhead ended
up obliterating what amounted to a small mountain in the first ten
seconds of his first fight. There was still an entire tournament's worth
of opponents left to fight, and he still hadn't finished with the first
one.
"Tsubaki." Sona murmured as she turned back to the screen,
just in time to see the redhead landed in front for Rylan Phenex. "I
think I might have made a horrible mistake."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/10710606/1 ... ord-s-Hero

The GAR is strong in this one.
__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[deadpan29]

I find myself torn on the stories by Fahad09 that have recently been brought up. (A Demon Lord's Hero and A World Full of Monsters.)http://www.fanfiction.net/u/4141631/Fahad09
He comes up with some marvelous action comedy, and some interesting character reinterpretations.  He obviously loves the ideas that go into the settings, but his works are also laced with contempt towards what the author did with the ideas and towards the main characters (or at least the direction the main characters developed in) to the point that they are borderline hate-fics at times.
Not funny, I know.  So to go with that, A Friend in Need (Worm/MLP fic) is now into the "Ponies take Manhattan" arc:

"Your Majesty, Twilight, Dragon. Welcome to New York."
"Ah, and what a welcome it hath so far been. We are most pleased with the city and its friendly peas-citizinery thus far. We now wait for this "Subway" to see more of it. Most odd that it is called such, given that it resideth elevated above the ground."
"I'm glad you're finding it to your liking. I wouldn't live anywhere else. Though, if I may ask, Queens?"
Luna hesitated for a brief moment and then with a fierce grin replied, ”Queens? Nay, we are but Princesses! Rock!“

http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads ... t-17733363
----------
No, I don't believe the world has gone mad.  In order for it to go mad it would need to have been sane at some point.

[ECSNorway]

From "Skipping all the steps", in which Emiya Shirou gets conned into accepting an Infernal Exaltation....

I just punch bad things until they stop being bad, or they stop being things.

Link: http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads ... sn.298622/
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Black Aeronaut]

Deadpan29 wrote:

---

He comes up with some marvelous action comedy, and some interesting character reinterpretations.  He obviously loves the ideas that go into the settings, but his works are also laced with contempt towards what the author did with the ideas and towards the main characters (or at least the direction the main characters developed in) to the point that they are borderline hate-fics at times.

Admittedly, Sasuke is Kishimoto's Gary-Stu-Self-Insert-Wank-Gasm - he's even gone on record implying as much.  All the girls want Sasuke, he has a power that everyone wants, and acts like no one is even worthy of licking the dirt off his boots because he's just that much better than everyone else.
Naruto himself, as a character, is really an afterthought.

Fun mental exercise: give Naruto the 'Garfield Without Garfield' treatment, only do one pass-through without Naruto, and then another without Sasuke instead.  Which version is better?

[ordnance11]

Black Aeronaut wrote:

---

Deadpan29 wrote:

---

He comes up with some marvelous action comedy, and some interesting character reinterpretations.  He obviously loves the ideas that go into the settings, but his works are also laced with contempt towards what the author did with the ideas and towards the main characters (or at least the direction the main characters developed in) to the point that they are borderline hate-fics at times.

Admittedly, Sasuke is Kishimoto's Gary-Stu-Self-Insert-Wank-Gasm - he's even gone on record implying as much.  All the girls want Sasuke, he has a power that everyone wants, and acts like no one is even worthy of licking the dirt off his boots because he's just that much better than everyone else.
Naruto himself, as a character, is really an afterthought.

Fun mental exercise: give Naruto the 'Garfield Without Garfield' treatment, only do one pass-through without Naruto, and then another without Sasuke instead.  Which version is better?

Thus the reason why Fahad offed Sasuke in his story. His reasoning for Kakashi's character in his story does make sense. His interpretation of Kokabiel was a very good concept, imo.
__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell

[Rajvik]

my first real post for this thread and a marvelous story its been.

“So, what are you going to do now?” Sonoda asked. “Go work for Kuzunoha?”

Yue shook her head. “I think I'll stay freelance. Given everything that has been going on in town I should have no lacking of clients.”

“What are you going to do?” Sonoda asked. “Get a ad in the phonebook that says 'mage for hire'?”

“Not quite,” Yue replied as she took at out sheet of paper and slid it over to Sonoda. “This was what th Mage Association signed off on.”

Sonoda picked up the sheet and read it over. “Yue Ayase - Private investigator. Lost items found. Paranormal investigations. Consulting, advice, reasonable rates.” He raised an eyebrow. “No love potions, endless purses, parties or other entertainments?”

Yue shrugged. “They sort of insisted on the last line. Given this town, I'm not really surprised.”

“But you can't really make love potions,” Sonoda replied before adding “...right?”

“Not legally,” Yue replied with a shrug. “No.”

whole story found here http://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/th ... ima.15534/
 

[ECSNorway]

Speaking of the same story:

“Right...” Sonoda replied as he turned his back to Yue, putting her between him and her console as he decided to switch over to the P90 – the compact machine gun out-ranged the shotgun and he had the feeling he might need it. “What are we doing again?”

“You remember how I explained that this was piggy-backing on another gateports capabilities?” Yue asked as she worked at the console.

“You said that this was just sort of a target, right?” Sonoda replied, keeping his eyes on their surroundings. It was unnervingly quiet.

“More or less,” Yue replied. “I'm changing what gate it's being targeted by.”

Sonoda risked a glance back over his shoulder. “You can do that?”

Sonoda couldn't see it, but Yue grinned. “Oh yes. And I think you will like where it's going to connect too.”

“Tahiti?” Sonoda asked jokingly.

“Not quite.” Yue said. “besides, Tahiti is over-rated.”

“They do say its a magical place.” Sonoda commented.

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[LilFluff]

Not a fanfic, but today's Grrl Power did make me giggle...

-----

Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.

[Ebony]

There is nothing about Grrl Power that does not make me smile, giggle, laugh, or outright guffaw. I heartily recommend it for anyone who likes superhero comics.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Black Aeronaut]

The earlier bit with Sidney trying, and utterly failing, to even lift the 'minigun' (with individual bayonets fitted to each of its six barrels) was chuckle-worthy.

[NifT]

It was Max's line afterward that really sold that bit for me: "Ok, sometimes I forget stuff has weight".

[Matrix Dragon]

Well, to be fair. Max IS an idiot.

[ordnance11]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/10710606/1 ... ord-s-Hero

Though it held over a hundred souls within it's walls,
the waiting room was silent. Not a word was spoken as every Devil in
the room stared speechlessly at the now blank monitor, which earlier had
been broadcasting the examination of their fellow participant, Emiya
Shirou. And although it had been a good two minutes since his
examination had ended and the screen turned blank, not one a single one
of them had been able to look away.
…
…
Another silent minute had passed before someone decided to speak up. It was a young man, a Knight of someone's Peerage.
"Did..." his voice broke, and he needed to pause to swallow before carrying on. "Did that really just happen?"
"...Yup." Saji confirmed when it appeared no one else would answer, his eyes never leaving the screen.
"Oh." The knight mouthed, before drifting off and silence returned to the room.
...
...
"That
was..." another Devil started to speak up, a brunette Bishop, but
almost immediately she trialled off, unable to think of the words to
properly describe what she had seen. But she didn't need to finish, they
all understood what she meant.
"Yeah." A Devil next to her agreed, nodding his head dumbly.
Silence once again filled the room.
…
...
Finally someone snapped.
"Why
the hell is something like that even here?" A blond haired King threw
his hands up in exasperation and asked the question they were all
thinking. He pointed towards the blank screen. "Wasn't the Gathering
supposed to be for beginners? Then why the hell are we going to have to
fight a monster like that?"
"...Elders." Another solemn faced Devil answered.
"Ah,"
The King nodded slowly in understanding and crossed his arms over his
chest. Then the young King spoke up, once again voicing what everyone
was thinking, "Fucking Elders."
This time every head in the room nodded, speaking as one. "Fucking Elders."

__________________
Into terror!,  Into valour!
Charge ahead! No! Never turn
Yes, it's into the fire we fly
And the devil will burn!
- Scarlett Pimpernell