[Commentary Thread] Dear Sweet Kami-sama, Why Do You Hate Me So?

[robkelk]

Long story short, they succeed, and the result is reformatted Droids, entirely different from their previous incarnations. Zeke feels it's best if they take on disguise-forms as small vehicles such as mopeds, scooters, and even smaller things like drone-aircraft, computers, backpacks... and even one in the form of a hand-canon. For some reason, Zeke feels an irresistible urge to call them 'Minicons'.

Considering that Droids can change forms, who ends up making the joke about them being More Than Meets The Eye?
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Black Aeronaut]

Dunno yet. Waiting for the perfect opportunity for that one.

Also, imagine the cadre that would be Hatoko, Chibiusa, Hotaru, and Sasami. That much cute combined with the fact they're all princesses... errr... except for Hatoko, but she's so naturally graceful and poised that it'd be easy to mistake her as one. Oh, I know now! If Misaki is "The Queen of Angelic Layer", then Hatoko would be it's "Princess". ...Anyhow, I can easily imagine that they'd get an interesting reaction wherever they go.

Hell, when Zeke and Rei first meet Hatoko, it's gonna be a scene because Hatoko might as well be Rei when she was that age. You know, that long black hair in a Hime-cut and violet eyes? Zeke will damn-near die on the spot.

[Black Aeronaut]

Really, I should have more to post soon, but I've been distracted by school and work lately.  :p
But anyhow, I meant to post this here, but accidentally stuck it in my story thread instead.

Oops.

But here it is, anyhow: How The Oni and The Invaders Get Their Foot in the Door.

I think I got it figured out now, and it's really rather simple when you think about it.

For one thing, the Oni are basically a loosely confederated group of warlords with a penchant for conquest and pillaging, much like the Vikings of old... that is, if Vikings went around in massive space battle ships capable of pulling a base-delta-zero on planets that sufficiently offend them.

And for whatever reason, Earth has always been something of an attraction for them... But they got chased out by the Juraians at some point after the collapse of the Silver Millennium Empire, and they've harbored something of a grudge against the former pirates for a long time.

So, Mr. Invader... let's say that he's come under pressure lately from within - someone wants to overthrow him and the only way to stop it is to make himself more popular in the eyes of the rest of the confederation.  But that will be tricky to pull off.  The best way is to conquer a planet, but most of the known galaxy is either under the protection of the Galaxy Alliance or the Empire of Jurai.  But what if he could coerce someone into signing the rights over?

Enter Earth.

It comes to Mr. Invader's attention that the Juraian colony world is currently being inhabited by none other than the children of Emperor Azusa - Yosho, Aeka, and Sasami.  If he could get the three of them to sign off on a contract that gives them the Earth to do with as they please, then even the Emperor would be hard pressed to be able to do something about it without it becoming a sticky situation in the Galactic Court System.  We could even go one step further and say that the Sol System is actually Yosho's 'lands' deeded to him by his father.

The stick?  Simple.  Mr. Invader tells him that if he doesn't do it, then he'll burn Earth down to a charred cinder.  And the hell of it is that, by the standards of the Galaxy Alliance, while having a 'colony world' destroyed like that is a terrible thing indeed, it's not something you'd go to war over.  In fact, the settlement process could take centuries, by which time the Oni can probably recoup the loss through other endeavors.

Yosho, being the cagey guy he is, counters by appealing to Mr. Invader's sense of fairness - because, believe it or not, he does have one.  (He didn't get to where he was at by stabbing everyone in the back - you need staunch allies!  And that means playing fair.  Sometimes.)  Yosho proposes that Mr. Invader give them a sporting chance at defending themselves.

Mr. Invader actually kinda likes the idea, and accepts... but only on two conditions: 1) that the game shall be the Oni's greatest past time - the game of Tag, and 2) that no one of Juraian decent may partake.  Oddly enough, this will automatically disqualify Ataru Moroboshi.  Although, that he's a distant relation to the Juraian colonists only makes sense in hindsight.  

Naturally, this means Zeke gets chosen.

Naturally, Rei tells him flat-out that if he wins, then it will be a good enough of an excuse to become officially engaged, perhaps even (legally) married right away.

Naturally, Zeke, being worn out from the experience and a hard-won victory, offhandedly comments to Lum, "Now I can go ahead and get married to the most beautiful girl I know."

Naturally, Lum think's he's talking about her.

Naturally, the shit hits the fan.  No, I mean it this time.  We're talking imminent planetary bombardments about to happen here.

And finally, naturally, the shit will not be evenly distributed.

Spoiler

And when you see the next bit where Usagi talks to Yosho, you'll know why this is gonna get scary and weird at warp speed.

Thoughts?

[Black Aeronaut]

So, no one had anything to say? Huh.

Permalink to the next installment:
http://drunkardswalkforums.yuku.com/rep ... ply-130954

So, I somehow managed to get this thing to copy over Times New Roman font... looks a bit smallish, though. I'll have to up it next time. The upshot is, though, that even if it does involve an extra step, this process lets me get all the little things, like italicized text, without having to go back and redo it all.

Also, those of you who notice there was an edit afterwards... it was because I mixed up kilowatts with megawatts. You'll understand when you see it.

PS: please comment on the above bit about the Invaders. I could really use some feedback on that.

[robkelk]

Maybe it's because I have a big monitor, but I'm already reducing the size of the font in the story thread... Meh. Your thread, your choice.

The Invader stuff: You've already got a full plate with the story elements you've mentioned. Adding another might be overkill - or it might be something to bring disparate elements together.

The most recent installment: Since it's been mentioned in-story, why do I get the feeling that Naru being the only "normal" one is going to be important in the future? (glances at the copy of A Certain Scientific Railgun on the table)
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

[Black Aeronaut]

robkelk wrote:

---

Maybe it's because I have a big monitor, but I'm already reducing the size of the font in the story thread... Meh. Your thread, your choice.

Sorry Rob.  I thought that it would be easier to read.  I kinda have trouble reading lots of small font comfortably on even a screen like my laptop.  I kinda prefer the experience of reading a paperback.  Then again, I have no idea how it shows up on your machine.  :p

robkelk wrote:

---

The Invader stuff: You've already got a full plate with the story elements you've mentioned. Adding another might be overkill - or it might be something to bring disparate elements together.

It's supposed to bring elements together.  While the heads of government on Earth may be aware of their colony-status under Jurai, everyone else is in the dark.  When the Invaders show up, it kinda unzips the fly of galactic society to the general public at large on Earth.  Shit will get rowdy for a bit, especially in Japan where the Black Moon Clan is trying to do their dirty deeds.

I am considering having Wiseman shift his focus from the Black Moon to a very susceptible target that would have a huge impact on how things go: The Diet - chiefly, Rei's Father.  This will allow me to get away with having her father become a little Moustache Twirly, while also fomenting polarization and dissent amongst the rank and file.

My ultimate goal is to have a civil war in Japan brewing, with the Diet under Wiseman's influence pushing for a 'Gaijin Go Home' act.  And while a good portion of the citizens may side with the xenophobic propaganda, there'll also be a majority that knows exactly how bad of an idea that is.  It's not only the removal of American armed forces, but businesses as well.  And in an already depressed economy, many of the business leaders know that this would be utter economic suicide.

Wiseman goes through with this because not only does it require little effort on his part, but it also requires nothing on the part of the Black Moon Clan.  All he needs to do is paint the Americans as the cause of all their problems, and let hatred and ignorance do the rest.  And the sad part is that, in a twisted sort of way, he'll be right - a lot of what's going on there will actually center around Zeke.

Additionally, Wiseman's machinations will leave the door wide-open for the SCP to finally step in.  They are anything but welcome in Japan, as the SCP tends to steal national treasures in order to contain, study, and neutralize them.  However, in the midst of the upheaval they'll manage to get several agents in under the radar and raise some hell that way.  Fortunately, the BPRD will see it coming from miles away and get a response team into the country with the help of Mithril.

In the background, SEELE is going to be taking an intense interest, but otherwise remain uninvolved beyond the SCP's taking advantage.  They don't like Wiseman - they know he's bad business for humanity in general, and they want Humanity for themselves to rule over.  In reality, they're hoping to get ahold of Usagi's Ginzusho via the SCP.  Although Amalgam is not gonna stay quiet.  There are Whispered in there, and they'll do whatever it takes to get them.

The upshot is that Zeke and the Resistance will have the backing of the Juraians.  Support from the Oni will be fractious, though, despite Lum's open support.  The Americans will support as well, but it will be limited since once Wiseman notices, he's going to turn his attention to the most militarily powerful nation on the planet and start causing problems there as well.  For the most part, they'll be getting American civilians out of the crossfire.  (Open hostilities won't start for a while, but after several American citizens are brutally murdered and the police ordered not to investigate, they start packing up and leaving in droves - primarily through the military bases.)

Really, this is going to be the start of what was, in Macross, the Anti-UN Wars.  It's going to be a political cluster-fuck that no one is going to be able to get out of unscathed, though one of the major turning points will be when Usagi finally decides to take the kid gloves off.  Although it's gonna rock the boat a bit anyhow when she says that she does not claim Japan, but the entire world as hers to protect.  Note that she does not say 'rule' here, but people will take it that way anyhow as she also claims independence of the UN as well.  At the very least, people that were on the fence before this point finally pick sides, and then things go into full swing.

Eventually, things settle down.  The Birdman incident occurs and scares the fuck out of everyone - because everyone was at each other's throats, humanity just came a hair's breadth from becoming extinct.  The Senshi, Zeke and Company, and the Masaki Clan put the kibosh on it, thus cementing their spot as 'people you don't screw around with'.

This will conclude the first story arc.

The next will start with the much anticipated launching of the SDF-1.  The Galaxy Alliance and the Empire of Jurai are waiting to greet the newest members of space-faring civilization with open arms... except the Zentraedi show up, triggering the SDF-1's booby trap.  Well, the peace was nice while it lasted - ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH!

This will be interesting to write - the Zentraedi are going to be the boogey men of the galaxy.  Only their wrecked hulks will have ever been found because they are always on the move and always wary of contact (xenophobia and the fear of 'deculture').  The techbase is comparable for the most part... yet antiquated.  However, due to the scale the Zentraedi build at, their raw firepower is not to be scoffed at.  And their commanders eat, breathe, and sleep military tactics and strategy.  Even if you do have them outnumbered with superior firepower, they are not going to be easy to defeat.

Fortunately, this is going to be Breetai - a very intelligent and strangely curious Zentraedi commander.  Diplomacy will work, but it's going to be touch and go, especially when they insist on taking the SDF-1, aka the Supervision Army Gunship.

robkelk wrote:

---

The most recent installment: Since it's been mentioned in-story, why do I get the feeling that Naru being the only "normal" one is going to be important in the future? (glances at the copy of
 A Certain Scientific Railgun on the table)

*Blushes*  I wouldn't know much about ACSR...  I still have yet to shotgun that series...  :p

But my tentative plans for Naru is that, out of pure necessity, she becomes badass-normal.

[Rajvik]

I'm enjoying this so much my mind is currently writing an oc insertion omake for the final confrontation with the wise man.will email it to you once I habe it typed up
 

[Bob Schroeck]

Loving this as always. BTW, BA... I've been setting up the nanoSteps as a page for my website, and was wondering if you'd want to rewrite the DSKS entry to reflect the new incarnation.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Black Aeronaut]

Oh, I'd love to, Bob! Let me know when you want to have it up. I'll post it here on the commentary thread and shoot you a copy via email.

Rajvik, just so you know I'm still hammering out the plot. As Rob suggested, it's a lot to keep track of, and it's made somewhat trickier by the narrow view we have - Zeke's perspective is the only one I'm telling the story from. This way, if something blindsides him, the reader probably will be, too, unless they're being sharper than Zeke is.

Found it back in the original nanoStep thread.  Quoted here for posterity.  Special thanks to everyone that contributed.

Date Unknown, Time Unknown...

Previous experience has taught me that as long as I sense no immediate danger then it's safe to take my time with this part. I've never been all that much of a morning person, after all, especially after a bad landing. However, nothing felt out of place - no soreness, no nothing. In fact, this place even felt... oddly familiar.

I opened my eyes and took note of my surroundings. The room was typically Japanese, but that meant little. What truly drew my attention were the people in the room.

There was the girls. A platinum blonde with gray eyes wearing what looked like an officer's duty-khakis; a girl in a tiger-stripe bikini and matching knee-high boots, green hair and little yellow horns; a girl with short brown hair, green eyes behind large, wire-rim glasses, and with two kodachi in her belt that clashed with her normal street clothes; another girl skin darker than the boy's wearing jean shorty-shorts and a strapless twist-top; a girl in black that exuded an absolutely poisonous atmosphere; another platinum blonde with a somewhat blank stare and odd devices covering her ears; .... and most shockingly, someone else I knew: a girl in a dark-colored sailor-uniform with long black hair.

"Rei? Is that you? Who are all these people?"

"Well, that settles it then. He's gotta be a slider if he knows your name." I looked to the new voice. It belonged to a boy it unruly black hair and the most unusual black marks under his eyes. "I apologize if your being here wasn't planned. Raven has a nasty tendency to throw me curve balls to deal with."

I smiled ruefully. "Thanks, kid, but I'm a screwball."

The kid grinned back.  "Hah!  Then I guess that makes me the floater that was disguised as a fastball."  He then offer me his right hand, saying, "Ezekiel Darkwood, Avatar, 2nd Class, Unlimited.  Friends just call me Zeke or Zii-kun."

"Raven, huh? Met the guy once. Great to hang with, but never let him arrange your social calendar."

"Ain't that the ever lovin' truth, brother."

Also, you added that it was 'too big' for a nano.  Well, we'll see with the rewrite...

[Bob Schroeck]

Nah, nothing's too big anymore. Half the stuff I write is longer than that these days.

Anyway, I'm setting up the page now, slowly (coding all those show/hide buttons is monotonous, even with most of it down to a couple cut-n-pastes). Shoot me the revised version whenever you get around to it and I'll paste it in.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[paladindythe]

I'm glad to see that you've decided to take another crack at this story. The story is a lot better paced for the eventual goal you have: you spend the narrative on the importance scenes, and still find opportunities for the characters to shine.

[paladindythe]

Angelic Layer plans: Quick note about Misaki's Angel, Hikaru (from the Clamp Wikia page):

[In the manga, Misaki] names the angel Hikaru, after Hikaru Shido from Clamp's Magic Knight
Rayearth (a manga in Angelic Layer's world), which she was reading on
the train to Tokyo, because she wants the angel to be "a short girl, but
strong and happy" like Hikaru and herself. In the anime, Misaki names
her Hikaru after her favorite doll from her childhood.

If you're wondering what Hikaru Shidou is like, take a look here.

[Black Aeronaut]

.... Ya know, CLAMP's little references and shoutouts are just a goldmine full of crossover potential. The ladies proved this themselves with Tsubasa.

Now here's a fun thought: Misaki has a mentor - a college-aged Hikaru Shido... and while she may not have her Magic Knight powers here on Earth, she's passed all kinds of stories down to Misaki when she was a much smaller (and undoubtedly supremely adorable) little critter. Of course, they were all just stories to Hikaru. Nothing like that happens in the real world, riiiggghtt?

Cue Zeke plowing in the face of the Monster of the Week with a Plasma Fury, and right in front of the ladies in question.

Misaki: ".... Sugoi, Zee-kun!"
Hikaru Shido: ".... The whole world is a lie...."
Hikaru (Angel): "You're just now noticing? I'm just a combat doll and even I noticed it before you!"

Also...

Just a heads up, folks, I'm planning on posting DSKS soon over on SV. To avoid the stigma of Zeke being an SI, I've decided not to let on right away in hopes of building up a fanbase before it gets out. Hopefully, if that happens, then they won't mind so much that he is an SI. So, think you guys can stay mum on the matter?

Also, who else here has an SV account, and if so, what's you handle on the other side?

[Seraviel]

Same there as everywhere.
-People may die, but ideas are forever. Je suis Charlie.

[paladindythe]

I'm 'kylone' there, which is my normal handle. (on Yuku, my normal handles were taken, so I had to get creative)

[Black Aeronaut]

Paladindythe, I'm not seeing that handle on Sufficient Velocity.

[Black Aeronaut]

If DSKS were a weekly serial on TV... this would be the perfect opening...


Ukigumo by Higedriver, a Japanese chiptune DJ.http://higedriver.com/index_en.html

[Rajvik]

You know who I am, that I'll read, and that I'll keep my mouth shut or stomp on idiots where necessary
 

[paladindythe]

I just wrote on your profile page.

[Black Aeronaut]

Okay, and now you're in on the private convo on SV.

[Black Aeronaut]

I generally don't like the horror genre, mainly because of how much signal noise it picks up from the slasher genre.

Y'see, horror is just that. Fucking creepy, scary, and suspenseful as all hell. But in a slasher? You can kiss pretty much the entire cast good bye. And I hate that sort of thing.  But horror all on its lonesome is just fine by me.

The Silent Hills Interactive Play Test falls solidly into good old fashioned horror territory. And it inspires a wonderful little snippet.

---

"The Ring 2?" I said. "No thanks."

Rei gave me a cockeyed look. "I would have thought you of all people would be the least squeamish about a horror film."

I shook my head. "Not horror. Slasher. Big difference. In a slasher, everyone dies, except maybe one or two people. And even if it was just regular horror, then no thanks. While I was with Raven after The Accident, he was good enough to give me a some exercises in handling a real haunting."

Rei maintained the cockeyed look, though it was a bit more incredulous now. "He did? How did that turn out?"

"Total fucking nightmare fuel if I wasn't already having nightmares about The Accident. But out of everything I experienced, there was one thing that stuck with me the most.
"Imagine a dark room with only one door. There are counting marks all over the walls, and in the corner is a table with a crumpled up paper bag on it. The bottom have of the bag is slick and blackened from the putrid, rotting bit of human remains that are undoubtedly inside - I didn't even have to look inside to know. And as I walked up to that thing... it suddenly rustled like something inside had woken up suddenly.

"And then it suddenly speaks! In a deep, distorted baritone overlayed by the rustling of the bag. It said, 'I walked. I could do nothing but walk. And then, I saw me, walking in front of my self. But, it wasn’t really me. Watch out. The gap in the door... it’s a separate reality. The only me is me. Are you sure the only you is you?' And that shit right there fucking chilled me to the bone far more than anything else, because that was exactly what I had been experiencing up until that point. I am never forgetting that shit as long as I live."

Rei was looking at me like she'd seen a ghost.

"Okay!" she suddenly squeaked out. "No horror for me! My quota is now full. How about that Studio Ghibli film instead?"

[Rajvik]

I gave up on the horror/slasher genre's about the time they did "New Nightmare" because they became nothing but a trip through tropes and thus predictable. That nnightmare from Raven, oh yeah, fuel from hell.

Honestly i think I'm getting pretty burned out on the whole industry for the same reasons. I mean yeah occasionally someone comes out with a new seeming take on an old story (Hobbit/LotR) and really the action genre you're mmostly there for the fights and explosions. The problem is that like the historical movies I've started even picking them apart. Hell, its gotten so bad that when I took my nephews to see Minions I picked out that the guitar solo that was played near the end was Van Halen's "Panama" intro
 

[Black Aeronaut]

Wow. Someone over on SV had a pretty wild melt down over my fic. Fortunately, nothing so bad that I had to call the mods, but still!

At first I was worried his sentiments would be echoed, but nothing as much so far.

For those too lazy to aim their web browsers at SV, here's the text of the guy's post.(Note: the chapter in question was Rei's unintended trip where she meets Raven.)

I had lines and lines of are-you-seriousing, but in the end I ruled it "too caustic" and deleted it.

It's just...man. Man?

You just...you just unloaded barrel after barrel of very cool, very dramatic (and I'm being a mite sarcastic) plot twists on us. I don't know if what you've done has the desired effect, unless your desired effect was "The fuck is this? The fuck is that?"

Shouldn't there be...I don't know, foreshadowing, or something? Some serious hinting that there is this crazy crap brewing behind the scenes, and that said crazy crap is going to go down? Or maybe you might not even need that, as long as you don't shove every single plot twist into us all at once. As it is now, it's just...what?

What?

He's a reincarnation? He's from our universe? He has cocktails of crazy drugs? Why would he have cocktails of crazy drugs? Why can he talk to the birds? Why is this god here? Why is he in the servitude of this god? What the fuck is going on?

(That's rhetorical. I know what's going on, seeing as you spelled it all out for us. That's not the point.)

You dropped all this on our heads in chapter two, without a "by the way", and I tell you, it's a little supremely unsatisfying. Like, you know what this feels like, at the very least? The chapter two from a completely different story, maybe.

Soooo... Thoughts? Because while I think he was definitely overreacting, he might have a point.

[Rajvik]

I think you should post the responses to this also to give a little more context BA
 

[Black Aeronaut]

Well, if you insist. I don't think there much more to be gleaned afterwards, though. The dude (his handle on SV is KChasm) pretty much ragequit.

Rajvik:
Trust me when I say it only gets better/crazier

KChasm:
Nothing I said was a compliment.

Are you some kind of evil shoulder angel.

Rajvik:
I don't think I am but take it this way, this is the foreshadowing

KChasm:
I wash my hands of this.

KChasm does mostly shorts on ff.net and has a tumblr as well. Mostly I just chalk the whole thing up as a type-compatibility error - he probably thought he was getting into something with easy pacing and lots of fluff, not high-octane heavy metal rage-against-the-grim-derp. Really, his ff.net profile says the following: "I couldn't write to save my life! And I mean that. I'm not one of those people who goes "I'm a terrible writer" and then makes the literary equivalent of Sunday Afternoon on on the Island of La Grande Jatte. I'm honestly a terrible writer."