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I lurk at SV, among other sites. When I read what you posted there, it was very well done from a technical standpoint. In terms of writing a tense action scene and believable character, your writing is without lethal or even obvious flaws. (In non-literature class words, thumbs up, you've got talent, keep on writing). I also don't have the complaints Kchasm had- I get the feeling you're going in a different direction than he expected it to go. However, it had several...characteristics I consider danger signs among fanfiction specifically. THese patterns (or tropes, I guess) can co-exist with skill at the writer's craft (especially in fanfiction) because they stem from the author's mindset and emotions, rather than from skill and talent. Thus their presence makes your fic look bad at first glance, regardless of your solid writing ability.
In other words, your story resembles the work of a mary-sue writer, or a Skysaber; a person with literary talent whose headspace, opinions, pride, lack of maturity, and emotions ends up ruining what he writes.
I say that you are a perfectly good and mature person from your behavior on this forum, and a deeper reading of your story corraborates this. But the story makes a bad first impression for you.
While my ultimate verdict was that this resemblence was ultimately superfical, not substantial, the off-putting resemblence remains.
The first characteristic was the characterization of Rei, and her interactions with zeke. I won't lie, it reminds me of a poorly characterized ranma fanfic; hostile, proud, girl, who's in way over her head but doesn't know it, and a more reasonable guy, who takes undeserved accusations of lechery but nevertheless will save the girl with his superior ability when she gets in over her head due to her impoliteness and lack of true knowledge or ability. You see this a lot with anime series that have a "mistaken for lecher, slapstick comedy follows" element, and it generally doesn't bode well.
More generally Rei is obviously wrong about Zeke, and appears largely ignorant of the situation, while Zeke clearly has a better grasp on the reality of the situation. Having a character who was heroic, or at least not an antagonist, be objectively wrong about the world around them, as compared to a objectively right protagonist, is something I've commonly seen in ameturish works, and at times outright cases of character bashing.
The soul-marriage thing also smacks of plot devices I've seen used in HP and Inuyasha fan fiction to facilitate pairings or slash. The OC main character only intensifies the patterns I'm seeing, especially with a backstory that could be seen as "angsty" and the way he's never really called out for bad behavior or on his attitude (I'm don't think he deserves it, but not being called out on it is something Zeke shares in common with lesser OC's and self-inserts).
Outside of fanfiction, I wouln't give these plot devices a second glance. I'd perhaps sniff at the soul-bond thing, but I'd consider it an acceptable romance trope.
Within the context of a fanfiction story, superfically speaking your story has a number of characteristics of fics written by authors who let their feelings towards the characters and wish-fullfillment get away with them, and injure their ability to write a believable story and characterize the author's character's properly.
That said, a deeper examination belies those hints. Most prominently, Zeke and Rei got soul-bound prior to a massive change in Rei's attitude and personality, unlike most other fics that follow the pattern I'm seeing. The characterization of all the other characters is also accurate; in a true story of this type, you'd see far more distortion of their characters.
Unfortunately, at first glance, your story still looks like the product of an author whose wish-fulfillment is untempered by self-awareness or objectivity, so people's first reactions are going to be negative. Mine certainly was.
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Hmmmm..... Perhaps I should take a page from Dartz's book when he wrote his BGC fic and proclaim that I have committed the grievous of sins? That way I can at least get people to come in, looking to pick it apart as you have, and find that it's actually decent. Although it may not be such a good idea because I might invite too many trolls. :p
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Haters gonna hate.
Trolls gonna troll.
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I DID A THING!!!
09-06-2015, 02:18 PM
I had to kinda retcon things a bit for this one... But I am absolutely certain that you guys will appreciate this.
Quote:Before Haruna left at the end of first period, she advised us that she needed to see the class reps in the faculty office during lunch break. So, rather than join our friends on the roof, in what was starting to become known amongst the rest of the student body as ‘The Junior Student Council’, Naru and I promptly arrived at the faculty office.
To our surprise, Kaname and Kubiak were there, as well as four other students we didn’t know. The first two were a rather severe looking pair. The boy had a sharp looking face with aviator-style bifocals and his hair lightened to a warm-brown color. The girl, on the other hand, had no eye glasses and chest length hair that was somewhat untidy, but otherwise in her native jet-black color. Her features were softer, but it was her expression that made her seem as severe as her male counterpart. I picked up a vibe from these two that I should tread carefully.
The other two seemed much more friendly. The boy was typical - solidly built with carelessly trimmed black hair, but he seemed friendly and had a aire of dependability. The girl that was with him, though, was ridiculously tiny. I almost mistook her for a grade schooler, save that she was wearing the school’s uniform with a first-year’s neckerchief. Her hair was lightened to a rich Mahogany color that was almost red. It was cut into a tomboyish bob, except for two chest-length locks that streamed from either side of her head. The two most striking things were her eyes and her passenger. Her eyes were a piercing deep-sea-blue, and her passenger was a brilliantly colored Angel.
This tiny slip of a girl was a Dues.
“Hey guys. You know anything about all this?” I asked.
“Oh, Zee-kun!” said Kaname, greeting me with a smile. “Not a thing. Kubi-kun?”
Kubiak simply shrugged. Oddly enough, I think the fabric of space warped to give him room to do it.
And people call me weird.
I then looked to the strangers and decided to try the friendly approach.
“Morning folks. I’m Ezekiel Darkwood, male rep for Class 1-C,” I said with a proper bow. “My friend is Naru Osaka, my female counterpart.”
“Nice to make your acquaintance,” said the glasses wearing boy. “I’m Yoshito Kikuchi, male rep for Class 1-N. This is my female counterpart, Miyabi Aizawa.”
The dark-haired girl gave us all a disinterested side-long look and replied, “Hnn.”
Right. I now know who not to bother trying to socialize with.
“Good morning!” chirped the tiny girl, who suddenly seemed pleased to have met some friendly faces. “I’m Misaki Suzuhara, and I’m the female rep for Class 1-D. We’re Neighbors! Oh, and this is our male rep, Kotaru Kobayashi.”
As the boy gave us a nervous smile and handwave, Miskai’s name suddenly clicked in my mind.
“Hold the phone! You’re THAT Misaki? Three-time Japan National Champion of Angelic Layer Misaki Suzuhara?”
Even Miyabi took interest at this. “Well well then. So we have ourselves a bonafied celebrity.”
Misaki positively fluoresced on the spot.
“I... don’t like to brag.”
The Angel on her should suddenly sighed. “Of course you don’t. I keep telling you, you’re too much of a wallflower! You should be proud of yourself - you may be small, but you’re beautiful!”
Everyone was silent at that pronouncement as we all focused in on the Angel.
“Eh-heh,” replied the Angel sheepishly. “I’m Hikaru, Misaki’s Angel. But you all knew that. I apologize for my outburst, but Misaki’s mother installed an app that makes me encourage her when she’s acting too shy.”
Suddenly, the homeroom teacher for Class 1-M, Eri Kagurazaka, stuck her head out the door and smiled cheerfully upon seeing us all present.
“Oh wonderful! You’re all here already. Please, come inside.” And then she disappeared back into the staff room.
I looked to the others and shrugged. “Well, here we go.”
We went inside, and found a somewhat crowded space of open cubicles packed with binders, books, and paperwork. At a table at the end of the room, Haruna Sakurada and Eri Kagurazaka sat together with two other teachers and waved us all over.
“Hey everyone!” started Haruna-sensei. “I’m sorry to bother you all during lunch, but we all felt it was best to let you all know as soon as possible. But first, some introductions since you may not know all of us. I’m Haruna Sakurada, homeroom teacher for class 1-C. Of course, some of you may have met my good friend, Eri Kagurazaka, who teaches homeroom in class 1-M.
“Over here we have two new teachers that just joined us this year: Azusa Fuyutsuki of class 1-D - you may have seen her around - and Eikichi Onizuka, who teaches homeroom in class 1-N.”
The two new teachers stood and bowed to us - that was rare!
Onizuka looked like a rough-around-the-edges kind of guy, with his bleach-blonde hair and tough-guy looks. I got the impression that I should be wary of him, but otherwise he seemed like someone I could count on when it really mattered.
Fuyutsuki, on the otherhand... if there was a Japanese version of ‘The Girl Next Door’, then Fuyutsuki owned it, lock, stock and barrel. She had a sweet, almost heart-shaped face with sporty, yet very feminine shoulder-length hair. This lady was a serious go-getter and a sweet-heart all at once, I could tell.
“Yo,” said Onizuka-sensei.
“I hope we worked well together,” said Fuyutsuki-sensei.
Respective of their students, I would say that these teachers had been paired of very well.
That introduction out of the way, we moved on fairly quickly.
“I’m glad that all of you were so timely in getting here,” went on Sakurada-sensei. “Because we have big news and we’re gonna need you guys all to move on it pretty quickly.”
Fuyutsuki-sensei nodded her head vigorously. “You see, our classes have been authorized to take a trip to Okinawa during winter break! It’s gonna be Christmas in Paradise!”
“HEEEE-EEEEEHHHHH!” we all cried out in excitement - myself included!
“Winter break in Okinawa!? That’s so COOL!” said Naru excitedly. “Oh, I wonder if I’ll get to make some Winter memories with a cute boy!”
“Hoi, hoi!” said Haruna-sensei with a glare. “The only ‘memories’ you’re thinking of had better be suitable for a family audience!” We all broke out into nervous laughter while poor Naru-chan positively radiated embarrassment.
I made a mental note to watch myself around Rei. The very idea of her in a swimsuit... the Senshi Seifukus were bad enough!
“At any rate, Miss Chidori?” said Kagurazakas-sensei.
“Yes?” answered the blue-haired girl.
“It shows in your student record that you were in charge of the class trip at your previous school last year. Do you feel up to helping the other class reps out since it’s their first time?”
“Not a problem at all, Sensei,” said Kaname with a smile.
“Wonderful!” said Haruna happily. She then handed us all sheafs of papers. “That’s all the information the two of you need to get started. If you have any questions at all, feel free to ask us. Now go on, then! You know what to do.”
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Hangs his head and groans*
Angelic Layer and GTO, (and I'm sure I'm still missing something, ) and add in the "doomed field trip" oh BA, Gauron isn't gonna know what hit him.
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The trouble in dealing with Gauron is that the guy has a death wish. Literally. And if it means getting back at someone, he'll go down in flames as well if he must... just so long as he drags the people responsible for his failure down with him. We see this when he was perfectly willing to be killed along with everyone else, so long as it meant he destroyed the Tuatha de Danaan and her crew. Of course, we see later on that Amalgam had other ideas. There's something to be said about an evil organisation when they recognize that death is not the worst punishment.
Anyhow, Zeke will be aware of all this, so he's gonna have his hands somewhat full just keeping a lid on things until they land - because the time when they're airborne is when they're at their most vulnerable.
Of course, this means that the faculty members are gonna wind up being brought in on the whole mess, because it's the only way they'll be able to keep Onizuka in check until the time is right to turn him loose.
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Okay guys. New chapter is up in the usual spot.
Something I want to do is to go through and break up the larger posts here on DW into their individual chapters, complete with proper chapter headings, as I have done over on SV.
With that in mind, can I get some feed back on the text formatting and which you guys prefer?
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Nothing to say, folks? Okay then, how about this little tidbit - slated for 'Season 2' or rather, 'Second Semester'... Quote:I glanced sharply at the boys in question. "She can hear you ass holes, you know?"
The girl flinched and the boys all gaped at me in shock.
"Hoi, who the hell do you-"
"IDIOT!" snapped one of the other boys as he grabbed his friend's arm. "Don't you know who that is? That Ezekiel-fucking-Darkwood from Class 1-C! Even if he doesn't rip our throats out, then his girlfriends will do the same for him!"
"Yeah," I agreed. "I like to come to places like this so I can have a bit of my own life to myself. No hassles. No girlfriends. No monsters trying to end the goddamn world. Just me enjoying a nice hamburger and fries, nice and quietly. Except ass holes like you gotta come up here and make fun of this poor girl. And that is just plain unconscionable to me." I then looked to the girl, who was staring at me with wide eyes and a horrible rictus of duck-lips frozen on her face and emitting a faint sound that vaguely resembled a tea kettle's whistle. There was something painfully familiar about this situation - memories of a hard-bitten childhood, ostracized and bullied...
"Come here. I want to help you."
Timidly, the girl jerkily stepped towards me and I had her sit down.
"Now, relax your face, please." The girl gave me a ridiculously wide-eyed look and began to hyperventilate. Before she could pass out, I reached over and held her nose. "Alright. Instead, how about some slow and deep breaths first?"
The girl nodded shakily and got her breathing under control once I let go of her nose. Fortunately, this meant that her face actually relaxed and I could actually get a look at her. Surprisingly enough, she seemed like she was actually pretty cute, if not for the hideous bags under her eyes. I quickly scanned the other girls present and singled out the one that was wearing the most makeup.
"You there, sister. Let me borrow your makeup kit."
Startled into surprise by my sudden request, the girl nervelessly got out the box of makeup she had - which was, as I suspected, an impressive array - and handed it to me with limp-wristed hands.
"Now, hold still while I do this. It's gonna tickle a little, but not too bad."
The girl held still for me, and after a moment one of the girls got up the courage to ask, "Excuse me, Darkwood-san? How do you know how to do this?"
I sighed at that and looked to the girl that asked. She had an earnestly curious look on her face, so I decided to answer as I continued to apply makeup.
"Bullies back in America don't care much about whether or not they leave marks," I said. "And that can be even more troublesome when your home-life is already precarious. Sometimes social services gets the wrong idea about your situation and they think that maybe your guardians are abusing or neglecting you. When I was younger we'd already had one close call. It was bad enough I lost my parents. I didn't want to lose what little family I had left. And so, I learned to cover up the bruises on my face with make up." I then finished up with the girl's face, and then held up a mirror
The girl across from me gasped sharply in surprise. "I'm... pretty!?"
I nodded. "You always were. You just needed a little help. Eye shadow and eye liner to help blend out those bags under your eyes, and a few other touches to help bring out the best features of your face. I know of a nice cosmetics shop where you can get a good deal, and I can show you how to apply the makeup."
"But.... why?" she asked faintly as she stared at me with worry and trepidation.
"Because, like I was saying... once upon a time, I was just like you. What is your name?"
"To.... Tomoko... Tomoko ku-Kuroki"
So, tell me how utterly fucking insane I am. 
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Absolutely certifiable, I love it though I'm missing the reference.
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Huh. So, no one else wants to comment or question my sanity? Or were you guys just waiting for me to post more?
Well, here's what I was thinking...
First of all, I want to go ahead and reuse a plot-point from Being You Is Suffering by having Seto arrange for Zeke to be adopted by one of the Royal Houses of Jurai.
Now, before anyone goes up in arms over this, let me explain that Seto would have very good reasons for doing this.
First off, there's going to be the aftermath of the Tag Challenge between the Oni and the People of Earth. Namely, the fact that Lum mistook Zeke for saying that he wanted to marry her. Of course, reneging on this would bring the wrath of the Oni down on the entire world - Lum has very quickly found herself enamored of Zeke because he plays a good game, behaves like a gentleman (at least, by Oni standards), fights like a demon, and is handsome to boot. It probably doesn't help that Jariten actually likes the guy - he's not actively pursuing Lum and treats Jariten with a lot more respect than Ataru ever would.
In fact, Mr. Invader would nominally rubber-stamp the nullification, except that Lum wants Zeke, and damn the consequences! Unless Lum says it's off, then the engagement is solid. And the idea the Zeke would refuse Lum is just simply unpalatable to the rest of the Oni Warlords - Lum is a favorite amongst them. Even to the point they'd raze a planet over her being slighted.
For his part, Zeke cannot honestly say he doesn't like Lum, but he can't marry her! He already promised to marry someone else, but the Oni are not having any of it. Worse, it's polorized the world population in general, with one side thinking that Zeke should simply do what's best for everyone and marry Lum, and the other half declaring that the Oni have no right to dictate obligations to the citizens of Earth.
Enter Seto.
For one thing, Seto likes Earth. While other Juraians see it as a backwater, Seto sees it as full of people with a certain x-factor that she thinks the Juraian nobility have lost over recent millennia. Also, it's the place the planet that Yosho loves the most, and she'd hate to see her favorite grandson become heartbroken. There's also the fact that Earth is a Jurai protectorate. While the Oni would certainly lose to the Juraians in a straight-up fight, it would be a fight that the Juraians would feel for generations. And its no guarantee that Earth would come out of it unscathed.
So, Seto offers up the one thing that will satisfy most parties at once: adopting Zeke into one of the Royal Houses.
This does several things. Primarily, it makes Zeke eligible to have multiple marriage contracts - he could have as many wives as he so pleased. Secondary, it places the Avatar of Raven directly in their clutches. Seto knows that Raven will not abide by their whims, but as far as she is concerned, that's part of the fun. Seto is the sort of person who, while preferring to have an advantage, would find it boring if there was no challenge to the game. Bringing Raven to the Courts inverts the trope of 'Cat Amongst The Canaries' by turning it into 'Eagle Amongst The Cats'.
To make things even better, Seto wants to put Zeke into House Amake - a house that has been politically opposed to House Kamiki and House Masaki for generations. It is her hope that Zeke will find a way to clean out the house of those that would do harm to Jurai in order to further their agendas and take charge of the errant house himself. Seto, of course, would not be trusted by House Amake, but the idea of having the Avatar of Raven under their thumb is just too appealing for the head of House Amake.
Of course, this would mean that Zeke would be obligated to marry a Juraian Noblewoman to cement his place in the Royal Houses. Pity the poor bastard.
Of course, there's still voices that cry foul at the whole deal - mostly from conservatives of all stripes.
Rei will grudgingly go along - it's better than open war with the Oni, and while she doesn't find Lum herself all that terrible, Rei feels that Lum had better know who's wearing the trousers (and it ain't Zeke as far as Rei is concerned).
Lum is equally ambivalent - on one hand, it means that she can have Zeke... but she would have to share her stake in him with other contenders. And this goes against generations of traditional Oni practices of Monogamy.
Teletha, however, is all for it. It gives her an official 'In', even if she has to pass muster with Seto. Which Teletha manages with flying colors - Seto is excited that at least one of Zeke's future brides is a tried and tested naval commander, and one who is used unconventional tactics and thinking in three dimensions. Rei and Lum are automatically accepted on their reputations alone even if they have to be officially vetted by the Royal Council regardless.
This brings me to Korkoi Tomoko.
I'm dropping Kuno Kodachi and replacing her with Koroki Tomoko. While Kodachi was interesting as she brought a certain amount of amorality to the harem, Tomoko is a better fit in this incarnation due to how she is completely juxtaposed against Zeke.
Zeke has gained fame and notoriety despite him not wanting it. He has a natural tendency to seize the stage, outshine everyone else, and if there are no signs of a strong leadership then he's going to take the mantle upon himself, if only for no other reason, then to make sure everyone makes it through in one piece. However, he hates the attention it garners him and would very much like to be left alone so he can get on with his own life.
Tomoko, on the other hand, craves attention. She wants to be popular and acknowledged by her peers, and above all have an attractive and popular boyfriend. However, she has no idea how to accomplish these feat, especially starting out from her underdog position. She is all but ignored and sometimes even passively bullied for her efforts, and yet she still strives to achieve her goals.
Things between Zeke and Tomoko will begin with Zeke taking pity on the poor misguided girl. He sees in Tomoko a lot of himself in how he was very much a victim of bullying and the only thing that turned it all around for him were the influence of Kubiak and Parker Lewis. So, feeling that he needs to pay this karma forward, Zeke decides that he's going to do the same for Tomoko.
For Tomoko, it's an omen of good things to come. Zeke is the most popular guy in school, and probably the most notorious man in Japan. Forget about the latest scandal in the Diet! Zeke is what people want to know about! And Tomoko can't believe that Zeke would come down from on high to hold his hand out to her. At least, at first. It takes a day or two, but after Zeke keeps several of his Harem from coming down on Tomoko, she begins to believe that he is genuinely interested in her.
He knows that it could be trouble, but he feels certain that his already lofty standing and his status of contention between several powerful (politically and otherwise) young women will dissuade Tomoko from pursuing him. And he is right... that is, until Sasami and Chibiusa side in Tomoko's corner and start advising the girl. And it's not shoddy advice at all! Between Sasami mentoring under Seto, and Chibiusa having a future-timeline perspective, the two youngsters give Tomoko all the ammunition she needs to effectively disarm the rest of the Harem.
Finally, Zeke's Grandmother Charlotte will enter the picture and take Tomoko under her wing as an apprentice. Yes, this means that the Harem will have a resident necromancer, and it will be awesome.
I'd do more here, but my battery is about to die. So, thoughts?
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Quote:I'd do more here, but my battery is about to die. So, thoughts?
Ambitious. I think you have the skills to manage it, though.
So stop writing about the story and get back to writing the story, will ya? 8)
--
Rob Kelk
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them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
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interesting, though i felt the story already was. that said i agree with Rob, get back to writing, we want more!...... 
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There we go - all nice and started off... and I see Tessa gets to show her resolve. Nicely done.
That scene leads me into a bit of speculation: What would the ladies in Zeke's life think of the "Tenchi Solution"? (It's obvious you're going in that direction, even if you hadn't already mentioned ideas along those lines.) - Rei ... I'm having trouble figuring out how she'd likely react. In canon manga, she didn't like men at all for reasons you've already mentioned in the story; in canon anime, she dated Mamoru for a while but gave him up to Usagi. In this story, the Red String of Fate is tied between Rei and Zeke, and she knows it. How much manga characterization are you using, and how much anime characterization? Is this Rei the sort who doesn't like sharing what is hers, or is she the sort who would be willing to let someone else warm her man's bed? Magic 8-Ball says "Reply hazy; ask again."
- Deimos has already said flat-out that she's willing to share, and be the subordinate mate - but that was when the relationship looked to be a threesome. On the other hand, she did perform a divination, so she may already know better than the others what's going to happen; that depends on how her question was framed. I think she's the most likely of the group (including Zeke) to embrace a group marriage.
- Tessa made her feelings quite clear in this chapter. Intellectually, I can see her being willing to share. Emotionally ... she might insist on being senior wife, which she can't be. (Rei, as a direct descendant of Yosho, is the only one who could be accepted politically by Jurai as the senior wife.) There may be some acrimony in the household because of this - but not very much.
- Lum is a "pampered princess," accustomed to getting her own way - which Zeke won't let her have. Of the four (so far), Lum is the most likely to reject a group marriage ... unless she gets some character development (in the "emotional growth" sense, not the "telling a story" sense).
(And are you brave enough to add Shoko Asami to the circle? She might make a good fit; she's accustomed to dealing with the conflicting needs and desires of her close family members. But would she want to join, and would Zeke want to make the offer? "Reply hazy; ask again.")
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Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
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Quote:robkelk wrote:
There we go - all nice and started off... and I see Tessa gets to show her resolve. Nicely done.
That scene leads me into a bit of speculation: What would the ladies in Zeke's life think of the "Tenchi Solution"? (It's obvious you're going in that direction, even if you hadn't already mentioned ideas along those lines.)- Rei ... I'm having trouble figuring out how she'd likely react. In canon manga, she didn't like men at all for reasons you've already mentioned in the story; in canon anime, she dated Mamoru for a while but gave him up to Usagi. In this story, the Red String of Fate is tied between Rei and Zeke, and she knows it. How much manga characterization are you using, and how much anime characterization? Is this Rei the sort who doesn't like sharing what is hers, or is she the sort who would be willing to let someone else warm her man's bed? Magic 8-Ball says "Reply hazy; ask again."
- Deimos has already said flat-out that she's willing to share, and be the subordinate mate - but that was when the relationship looked to be a threesome. On the other hand, she did perform a divination, so she may already know better than the others what's going to happen; that depends on how her question was framed. I think she's the most likely of the group (including Zeke) to embrace a group marriage.
- Tessa made her feelings quite clear in this chapter. Intellectually, I can see her being willing to share. Emotionally ... she might insist on being senior wife, which she can't be. (Rei, as a direct descendant of Yosho, is the only one who could be accepted politically by Jurai as the senior wife.) There may be some acrimony in the household because of this - but not very much.
- Lum is a "pampered princess," accustomed to getting her own way - which Zeke won't let her have. Of the four (so far), Lum is the most likely to reject a group marriage ... unless she gets some character development (in the "emotional growth" sense, not the "telling a story" sense).
(And are you brave enough to add Shoko Asami to the circle? She might make a good fit; she's accustomed to dealing with the conflicting needs and desires of her close family members. But would she want to join, and would Zeke want to make the offer? "Reply hazy; ask again.")
Yes, I know it took a while, but as far as I'm concerned it's been worth it so far, and a fun ride to boot. Seriously, the first part of the story is just getting all the main players together and the only real 'conflicts' (that is, bad guys show up, stuff goes BOOM!) will be the Black Moon Clan and Amalgam (via Gauron).
As for reactions to the Tenchi Solution, they will be aghast at first. But when Zeke lays it out, saying it's this or nothing, they'll start to consider their options. - Rei will have one of the strongest reactions. It's going to be the spark that ignites what will be one of the biggest fights they'll ever have. However, that Red String of Fate will come into play and draw her back to Zeke, whether they want it or not, and Rei will find herself having to come to terms. It will be especially interesting seeing Seto trying to draw Rei into the hilarious world of 'family politics' of the Royal Families. Rei's reticence will be what causes Seto to bring in another Noblewoman as a perspective bride for Zeke.
- Regarding Deimos - I decided to cut the part where she reveals to Zeke about her divination. However, it still happened behind the scenes. What happens instead is that Rei tells Zeke to go take his bath right away, and then without him around, Phobos and Rei drag it out of Deimos. Rei swears them all to secrecy on the matter, but she already understands that the matter has been set in stone - no matter what she does, Deimos will have a child by Zeke and she must somehow find a way to make peace with that fact. As for Deimos's reaction... let's just say that she'll be biding her time. She is, after all, intended to be his closest bodyguard.
- Oh, poor Tessa doesn't have a chance at being Principal Wife - that honor will either go to Rei or another Juraian girl. But she's going to fight for it, much to Seto's amusement.
- Poor Lum is going to be completely blindsided. Neither her nor the rest of the Oni had any clue that Zeke is the Avatar of Raven, and it's a complete game changer as far as they're concerned. Zeke still can't refuse her unless she breaks it off... but given what he is, the rules of monogamy have gone flying out the window in flames - he is the vessel of a god amongst them, and certain allowances are to be made for that fact. Additionally, once the adoption of Zeke is formally announced, Lum will be expected by the Council of Warlords to marry him. As far as they're concerned, having a tie via marriage to the Royal Family of Jurai will be the political coup of the century! So Zeke will certainly be her 'Darling', but she'll have to spend some time coming to terms with having to share them.
- Regarding Shoko Asami - She will not be one of Zeke's harem. While attractive, the two definitely regard each other as being way outside the other's age bracket (she's almost twice her age). Of course, they'll probably joke about it. In reality, Shoko is gonna find herself assuming the role of 'Den Mother of the Harem', and that despite the fact that she's never been married, let alone in a relationship like this! And the best part is that it will all be something that just happens: Shoko is the only adult woman in close proximity, and because she's still single the girls assume she's gone out on dates with lots of interesting men (only half true - she's interviewed lots of interesting men, but never dated any of them). Soon enough, Shoko will see which way the wind is blowing and hurriedly find herself a Japanese edition of The Ethical Slut just so she can keep these girls from killing poor Zeke!
So, how's that?
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Sounds good...
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012
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Chuckles
Oh the fun this will be
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The Sleeping Beast Awakens...
03-13-2016, 11:43 AM
Behold, a snippet picking up right where we left off!
Quote:That night when I got back to the shrine, Rei simply charged out at me and wrapped me up in her arms. I simply let myself melt in her warmth, happy to have come back to something that felt safe and familiar.
The fact that the press was conspicuously absent probably helped - Teletha’s PR people were on the ball.
“They told me everything,” she whispered in my ear. “So I won’t bother you. It’s time for you to rest.”
I nodded, knowing that she’d more feel the movement than see it. With no words, she led me up the stairs and sent me off to bed with a hug and a kiss on my cheek.
##
The sphere was blindingly bright and crackled with such barely contained force that it felt like I wast standing in front of a massive bottle of pure malevolence, waiting for just the right excuse to burst free from its container and turn everything into free-floating atoms.
But if I looked carefully, I could see how it was contained in a Gordion knot of channels and flows, turning in and out of itself and writhing like a nest of mating serpents.
For a moment though, despite the chaos, it seemed all so clear.
...
And then I woke up.
I spent a few precious seconds getting my bearings and then I scrambled for my writing desk, practically tearing all my careful organization to pieces to find something to write on and with.
Frantically I tried to sketch out what I had seen.
... What had I seen?
The vision had faded, leaving me with a sketch of some lumpy, spherical object. It wasn’t right at all - all I had was the vague outline of the thing. I had no real clue what I had there. Besides the general shape, the most memorable things about it were the heat and light it gave off.
Wait... Heat and light? It was a fusion reactor! But why... oh you cheeky bastard! It was Raven. It had to be. Only he would give me infuriatingly vague clues about how to replicate the plasma lance he’d puppet me into using on Urzu Squadron.
I felt that maybe I should go to Teletha’s people about this, but I wasn’t too sure about that - all I had was the vaguest idea, and even if some of the greatest advancements were started by vague ideas, it was better I did more research first.
“Zeke?” came Rei’s voice from behind my shoji. “I heard a bunch of noise just a moment ago. Are you okay in there?”
I sighed as her voice brought me back to reality.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Just a weird dream. You can come in if you want to - I’m decent.”
The shoji slid open and Rei, still wearing her pajamas, came in and gave the mess I’d made of my desk a searching look.
“What the hell happened?” she finally said at length.
“The Old Bird is messing with me again,” I said as I tapped the side of my head and held out the sketch with my other hand.
“What is it?” she asked as she took the paper.
“Near as I can figure? Some kind of fusion reaction. Probably the same one I used before.”
“Huh. You think he wants you to learn how to do it yourself?”
“I know he wants me to learn to do it myself. Trick is he’s being tight-lipped about how to do it.”
“Why? Can’t he just show you?”
“Sure, but from his perspective it’s more fun to watch me beat my head against the wall while I try to figure it out for myself.”
Rei snorted. “Figures.”
“What time is it anyhow?” I asked. I looked around sheepishly and explained, “I think I broke my alarm clock.”
Rei rolled her eyes. “Last I checked it was already past eight.” I was about to say something about that when she stopped me with a fingertip to my lips. “We all felt you needed to sleep in after the day - hell, after the WEEK you’ve had. And I’m starting to feel it, too. In case you never noticed, Kaname and those MITHRIL people decided to stay the night again. Something about killing two birds with one stone.”
“Jeeze,” I groaned, palming my face. “I am so sorry, Rei. I swear the first opportunity I get I’m gonna get my own place so you don’t have to deal with this crap.”
Rei shook her head. “Forget about it. If I’m gonna be with you I better learn to get used to it.”
I sighed and gave Rei a hug. “What did I do to deserve you?”
“Everything,” she replied with false archness.
This was in a thirty minute session. I'm finally digging myself out of the pit I was in. With any luck, this is just the first of much more to come.
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Yaay forward progress..... Seriously though that's good stuff right there. Of course this means I have to go back and reread everything.
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RE: [Commentary Thread] Dear Sweet Kami-sama, Why Do You Hate Me So?
03-14-2016, 03:16 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2018, 05:59 PM by robkelk.
Edit Reason: replaced Yuku link with current board link
)
Quote:Of course this means I have to go back and reread everything.
At least they're all in one place
--
Rob Kelk
Sticks and stones can break your bones,
But words can break your heart.
- unknown
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Another snip for upcoming stuff: Quote:The whitecaps rushed beneath me, racing little more than an armspan below like a kaleidoscopic blur. I soaked in the thrill, the sense of speed, the feeling of the wind beating against my flight suit.
“Too low!” sounded my instructor’s worried voice in my headset. “Get higher, ‘Zekiel! The waves will catch you!”
Grudgingly, I focused on the wide, flat tubes on either side of me with wide discorectangle-shaped openings that tapered down to much thinner discoractangles at their ends. The airflow that constantly filled them picked up by my accord, compressed by the wedge shape of the tubes, and pressed through the narrow openings and their ends. Thrust was the result, and I shot upwards.
“Better! Now, let’s run through the course one more time. Are you ready, ‘Zekiel?”
The shape of the French man with his jet pack came into view - a black delta-shaped wing he wore on his back with winglets at the tips for stabilization, and four small jet engines - two on each side - under the wing spewing white vapor trails. He maneuvered with grace using only small, subtle gestures from his body.
“Whenever you are, Professor,” I called back.
“Good! Now, remember, mon petit oiseau, you are smaller and lighter - you have no engines and no fuel. You may stay airborne longer than I could dream of, but you do not have larger control surface. Without that, you do not maneuver as easily. Now, follow me!”
In case you guys are wondering, that's an expy of Yves Rossy, the Jetman.
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What, no love?
Okay, how about a couple SotD's for the upcoming chapter...
Dhruva Aliman's tracks are a little unconventional, being straight-up, no-holds-barred electronic music. But the Robo Diablo Mix version of Star of the Conqueror is a perfectly suited track for feats of aerial superiority, complete with four engine-start sequences in the beginning of the track (Not that Zeke needs them, but hey...) and leads up to a light-hearted game of one-upmanship and friendly rivalry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OEKbvXBSZQ
And of course, what better track to have for the tornado scene where Zeke fucking wipes the map?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1ow0f44SuM
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UPDATE INBOUND!
07-17-2016, 09:57 AM
I think I finally got the worst of the writer's block cleared out, and I've managed to fill in the gaps for what I've written. All that's left now is a careful perusal to ensure continuity, and also just clean up in general.
Update goes up on Friday night.
And with any luck, I should be able to start making regular updates from here on out.
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