Thread of Awesome: THIS! IS!! QUOTEFILE!!!

[robkelk]

From More Things Involving Shipgirls That Are No Longer Allowed, Rule 2661:

Everyone stared at the octopus. San Juan stared at the octopus. The octopus stared back. The arms, San Francisco guesstimated, were a good twenty feet long. Unbidden, probably the worst thing she could have said slipped out of her lips.

"I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going."

That was when the screaming started.

[classicdrogn]

"Your biggest challenge isn't someone else
It's the ache in your lungs, the burning in your legs
The voice inside you that yells - CANT!
But you don't listen, you just push harder
Then you hear the voice whisper - can
And you discover that the person you thought you were
Is no match for who you really are."

-unknown

cited from PseudonymousEntity's Adventures in Magick ch8
https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11671069/8/

HP fic, Harry is high on wonder for his first visit to Diagon Alley and indulges a bit of whimsy that manages to make him sime unexpected friends, then asks all the questions and just keeps up his streak because somehow it keeps working out. 101k words, last updated in August as of today.

[ECSNorway]

"Indeed," Orochimaru folded his arms, "For you see, through the power of science, I, the greatest researcher this world has ever known, have mastered time like no other before me! I have successfully projected my consciousness back decades into the past!" he laughed maniacally for a moment.

Jiraiya blinked. "And… what, did you come back to warn us of an impending catastrophe that ended the world? That doesn't sound like you."

"Oh, no," Orochimaru shook his head, "I mean, there is an impending catastrophe, but our apprentices solve that neatly enough. I just did it to see if I could."

"Of Snakes and Time Travel", by RumbleInTheDumbles. Boruto-era Orochimaru invents time travel, sends himself back to his past, and trolls the universe by enabling the heroes.

Beautiful, glorious, unspeakable crack.

[Black Aeronaut]

"Indeed," Orochimaru folded his arms, "For you see, through the power of science, I, the greatest researcher this world has ever known, have mastered time like no other before me! I have successfully projected my consciousness back decades into the past!" he laughed maniacally for a moment.

Jiraiya blinked. "And… what, did you come back to warn us of an impending catastrophe that ended the world? That doesn't sound like you."

"Oh, no," Orochimaru shook his head, "I mean, there is an impending catastrophe, but our apprentices solve that neatly enough. I just did it to see if I could."

"Of Snakes and Time Travel", by RumbleInTheDumbles. Boruto-era Orochimaru invents time travel, sends himself back to his past, and trolls the universe by enabling the heroes.

Beautiful, glorious, unspeakable crack.

I just read through the first few chapters. It's fucking hilarious so far, because honestly?  The only one REALLY out of character is Danzo.  The rest?  Heh.  I can see it.  And it's glorious.

EDIT: Okay, I take that back. It's kind of a gradual trip down the slippery slope of OOC-ness. But still, it's glorious!

[robkelk]

Together, all the sailors gulped and began mentally preparing their wills. Was this worth it, just to beat the Air Force and Army at football?

After a moment's thought, they all concluded that the answer was yes. Very yes.

More Things Involving Shipgirls That Are No Longer Allowed: Rule 3196. Cruisers, be you heavy or light, the corpsmen really wished that you had notified them ahead of time that you've been volunteering to be the "training equipment" for the football, football, and football teams for the upcoming inter-service games.

[robkelk]

Suddenly, Tenryuu was shoved aside, a snow-haired girl Ukraina recognized as Murakumo taking her place, also grabbing Ukraina's shirt. "You tease Inazuma again," she said, elegantly icy, before slapping Ukraina right on the cheek. "And I'll do a lot worse than that."

Murakumo walked away, and was immediately replaced by Amagiri and Oboro, boxing gloves encasing their hands and gleeful grins on their faces. Just before the punches came in, Ukraina caught a glimpse of some of the destroyers literally lining up behind them: Shikinami tapping a wrench into her palm, Shirayuki and Ayanami with their rigging out, Hibiki breaking a glass bottle on a railing before giving the remainder a few test swings, Miyuki and Ikazuchi twirling their anchors, Sazanami giggling and sorting through a collection of comic books that had Ushio and Sagiri inching away from her, Akebono with a broom and a scowl. Ukraina had just enough time to whimper before Amagiri and Oboro went to work, and after that it was all screaming.

"Huh, must have been classic movie night recently," one of the passersby remarked.

-- More Things Involving Shipgirls That Are No Longer Allowed, Rule 3232

[Norgarth]

From "Goddess of Wisdom" by Quickdeath007  (SG-1 AU, the Goa'uld Athena catches a clue in the early seasons) on Spacebattles

Colonel Jack O`Niell stepped onto the ramp, straight through the shimmering blue Event Horizon of the Stargate. One minute he was the SGC, the next, in the middle of wide open grasslands, a packed dirt road trailing off towards a forest.

The Stargate shut down behind him, Carter and Teal`c on either side of him, Jackson presumably behind him. "Damn," O`Neill muttered.

"Sir?" Carter asked.

"I was hoping there'd be something the MALP didn't catch... just a whole lotta nothing out here."

Teal`c peered at the forest. "O`Neill, should we not follow the trail before declaring this world to be empty?"

O`Neill gave a sigh, looking through his binoculars towards the forest. More nothing. Great. "That's the problem Teal`c. I'm Air Force. I hate walking."

Teal`c quirked an eyebrow at him. "I do not understand why being in the Air Force would make you so adverse to walking."

O`Neill frowned. He hated having to explain his jokes.

"Perhaps it is because I was trained as what you would call an infantryman. Now that I reflect upon it, the pilots of the Death Gliders always were a bit underdeveloped. Too much time spent relaxing in a padded seat."

O`Neill stared at Teal`c, having to take a moment to confirm that, yes, Teal`c just pulled a Chair Force joke on him. It's the quiet ones you have to look out for.

[Black Aeronaut]

So, an acquaintance of mine on a Discord server had something rather interesting to say about Worm.  And I feel it belongs here even though what he said is not in any fanfiction anywhere....  Spoilered because you may not want to have these words on a screen at work.  

Spoiler

[It was] something with wonderful potential, but then [Wildbow] forced it into a gimpsuit and stuffed a gerbil up its ass while ignoring the safeword. And then he'd go and add a new gerbil every time the last one stopped moving.

This is, by far, the best description of what it's like to read Worm that I have ever seen.

[Bob Schroeck]

Here's one from the latest chapter of Lady Archimedes -- its very last lines, in fact:

Hermione clenched her fist and held her arm at an angle where Bellatrix could see the MUDBLOOD scar flaunted before her. "You won't touch them," she said. "Any of them."

Bellatrix cackled. "And you think you can stop me this time, little girl?"

"Yes. You know the power the Dark Lord knew not?" Hermione said."It's me!"

[batzulger]

So, an acquaintance of mine on a Discord server had something rather interesting to say about Worm.  And I feel it belongs here even though what he said is not in any fanfiction anywhere....  Spoilered because you may not want to have these words on a screen at work.  

Spoiler

[It was] something with wonderful potential, but then [Wildbow] forced it into a gimpsuit and stuffed a gerbil up its ass while ignoring the safeword. And then he'd go and add a new gerbil every time the last one stopped moving.

This is, by far, the best description of what it's like to read Worm that I have ever seen.

Absolutely agreed.

[Norgarth]

From the thread commentary of a Worm AU story on Spacebattles

We need a Sith Order mantra based on this.

Canon is a lie. There is only the setting.
Through setting I gain characters.
Through characters I gain interactions.
Through interactions I gain plot.
Through plot I gain story.
Through story I achieve AU.
Imagination shall free me.

and the Jedi version:

There is no fanon. There is canon.
There is no trash. There is practice.
There is no setting. There is the world.
There is no obligation. There is enthusiasm.
There is no conclusion. There is imagination.

[DHBirr]

I read this in college, meaning forty-some years ago.  I believe another student wrote it, possibly for a “creative writing” class.  So far as I know, it was never published, and I no longer remember how it came into my hands.  I am very sure of all the words except for the portion I’ve summarized in brackets.

A Pride of Craft
Pickpockets 
Pick the pockets 
Of a crowd jeering pickpockets 
Kicking on the gallows. 
This is not [three words or phrases expressing something like recklessness or chutzpah — as a possible example, “impudence, arrogance, or showing off”];
Just a pride of craft.

-----
F.O.G.E.Y.:  Fifties and Older Generation ... Enemies of the Young — the extremist wing of the Gray Panthers

[Jenova_Silverstar]

From One Floo Over Ch 16

"What's the point of being a mad scientist if you don't have a few catgirl minions?"

[classicdrogn]

Despite a public response that can charitably be described as tepid, Circus Peanuts are available from several companies. In other words, people compete to sell them! So apparently what we’ve got here is a product that survives not because anybody is genuinely fond of it, but because less than 100 percent of the populace is totally repelled. Strange, but people have used the same principle to become president of the U.S.

https://www.straightdope.com/columns/rea...s-peanuts/

... it all makes so much sense now. Even the orange.

[classicdrogn]

"I am not the God of Reason and Understanding! I am the God of Thunder and Lightning!" Thor roared. A lightning bolt gouged a ten foot long trench in the Dursley's lawn to underscore this.
Child of the Storm by Nimbus Llewelyn, ch4

In which the events of the Thor movie were actually Odin's second try at sending Thor to Midgard as a human to learn humility, because the first time around he went mad with rage and grief after his mortal incarnation and wife were killed by Voldemort and had to have his memories sealed. The fic is readable and has some good moments, but not actually one I'd recommend. Your mileage may vary. ~825k words, complete.

(If any Asgardian was going to be James Potter in disguise, I'd figure Loki, not Goldilocks, but despite including a reformed Loki as part of the opening premise it's Thor here. Apparently there's another fic by someone else that inspired it and uses Loki instead, but I don't have a link.)

[itsune9tl]

You Don't get it, just to mess with Thor, Loki would have been Lilly. Which would make Harry 1/4 Jotun. Worlds smallest Frost Giant ... Giantkin?

[Shepherd]

You Don't get it, just to mess with Thor, Loki would have been Lilly. Which would make Harry 1/4 Jotun. Worlds smallest Frost Giant ... Giantkin?

I know for a fact there is a fic where Loki was Harry's mother and a Japanese goddess (Amaterasu?) was his father. Neither knew the other was incarnating as a mortal until after they'd both died. Sadly I can't remember the title or author of the fic.

[Bob Schroeck]

Which would make Harry 1/4 Jotun.

And half-brother to a goddess of death and an 8-legged horse. I'm sure he'd be looking forward to the family reunions.

[classicdrogn]

And you thought those were awkward for the Olympians!

[robkelk]

Sometimes the consequence of a player chewing ham is that player also having a sharp knife and fork they can point menacingly at you from across the table.

...I'm not sure why my brain came up with this metaphor.

[classicdrogn]

Luke smirked. If Rogue Squadron had been good for anything it had made him appreciate the little things, like running water, good alcohol, and bad jokes. He felt he had to spread the wisdom, it might be the one path to enlightenment that everyone could agree on.

(...)

Fifteen minutes later, dressed in the finest intentionally dated fashion and with an almost anachronistically advanced computer spike concealed against his forearm he returned to find Mara finishing her makeup. “I see why you’re not holding the spike.”

“If I had to I could, my dress has room for it.”

“It barely has room for you.”

She looked over, put down the brush, and a knife seemed to appear in her hand before vanishing once again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the compliment.”

“You look lovely.”

-- Puzzle's An Early Return Ch. XIV
(Luke and Mara Jade got tossed back in time by a hyperspace accident, now they're raising some operating capital)

[classicdrogn]

"Your mom called. She said you should wear a sweater, and to stop making her loins ache with regret."

Anonymous by request, but too funny not to share at all. It definitely won the insult contest.

[Rajvik]

26 pages or so later, I desperately wished I had continued looking for porn.

taken from an Evangelion thread where they ended up discussing Re-Take

[Black Aeronaut]

Pffft. Knowing Ranma-sensei over there? That thread HAS to be some bad civ, but also something you just can't look away from. Like a train wreck in ultra-slow motion, with each detail being narrated by Ben Stein's dull drone.

[Mamorien]

Pffft.  Knowing Ranma-sensei over there?  That thread HAS to be some bad civ, but also something you just can't look away from.  Like a train wreck in ultra-slow motion, with each detail being narrated by Ben Stein's dull drone.

To make it extra-painful, we could have him do said narration in character as Francis "Pip" Pumphandle (from, of course, the classic Animaniacs segment "Chairman of the Bored").