Thread of Awesome: THIS! IS!! QUOTEFILE!!!

[Norgarth]

been rereading Alexander Harris and the Shadow Council, just came across this:

The Addams patriarch considered for a moment, then held up a finger. “Cousin Itt.”

  “Of course, darling, you’re a genius.”

  “Cousin Who?”

  “No, Itt. Who is the family Doctor.” Gomez said, shaking his head. “Unreliable fellow. Never around when you want him, can’t get rid of him when you don’t.”

[classicdrogn]

Overheard in the parking lot near a local take-away restaurant:

A: Holy shit, look at this chicken finger!
B: I've sucked dicks smaller than that.
both: (laughter, but they heard me not-quite-spit-take anyway)
B, out the car window: Well, it's true!

If I'd taken a sip one second later...

[Star Ranger4]

classicdrogn Wrote:

---

If you're fighting on the other side from Jackie Chan you should take a real close look to make sure you're on the right side to begin with.

[batzulger]

You obviously need to see Killer Meteors. Jackie as a villain.

[robkelk]

Re-reading an older fic, and I don't recall whether this passage from it had been posted here yet.

* robkelk goes and looks

It hadn't!

The White Devil of the Moon, Chapter 5:

Miyuki's glasses had fallen off during the fight, and had been stepped on at some point. Her hair ribbon had been sliced off, causing her long braid to come loose. Her bridesmaids dress was ripped and splattered with monster ichor. The crowd watched as Nanoha's sister cleaned her swords on her already beyond help dress and addressed them.

"Was there anybody else who had a reason why these two should not be wed?"

[Shepherd]

"I'm sorry to hear that," Rachel said. "Now I'm going to go hire an assassin to do brain surgery. Is there anything else you need from me?"

The Song Of Ruin [Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel, sequel to The Gift of Rage]
https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/...t-86957079

[classicdrogn]

"What is the world coming to, when Gary Numan looks as old as Gary Oldman?"

(anonymous imageboard shitposter)

[Norgarth]

From a fic called "Boldores and Boomsticks" (RWBY/Pokemon: Sun/Moon)

Yang stepped forward, cracking her knuckles. "Buddy, you've got no clue what you're bringing down on your head. When we get our hands on you, you're geography."

A sneer crossed Faba's face. "Idiot child, can't even get a simple threat right. The saying is 'you're history', you simpleton!"

"Nope," Yang said, entirely too calmly. "History gets remembered. You're just going to be part of the landscape.

[SilverFang01]

Lord Voldemort had returned in all his terrible power, and gathered his followers to him. After ranting for a while, as a megalomaniac was prone to, he finally turned to Harry, who was tied to Riddle Senior's headstone. Voldemort waved his hand, and the ropes fell... As did Harry. He had one of his lackeys give Harry his wand back.

"We will face eachother, Harry. We shall duel," Voldemort said, "and then you shall die."

"Oh no buddy boy," Harry responded angrily, "I'm not dying, I'm gonna escape!"

"HA! Fool! I am immortal!" Voldemort declared, "You're not escaping, you are dying!"

"No I'm not!" Harry replied maturely.

"Oh yes you are!" Voldemort growled.

"Oh no I'm not!" Harry spat back.

"Ohhh yes you are!" Voldemort shouted, now losing his cool.

"OHH NO I'M NOT!" Harry roared back.

"OHH YES YOU ARE!" Voldemort bellowed.

"OH YES I AM!" Harry retaliated.

"OHH NO YOU'RE NOT!" Voldemort roared, the very ground now rumbling in his magical fury.

"OH YES I AM!" Harry screamed.

Voldemort growled, summoned the Triwizard Cup and Cedric's Body, and shoved both into Harry's hands.

"You're escaping and that's final! You cannot defeat me, Potter! You get going, right now!"

Harry sniffled, head bowed.

"Fine... I'm escaping... But I swear I'll get you for this, Voldemort! Letting me escape! You fiendish mastermind you!"

Harry popped out of existence, the Portkey yanking him away. Voldemort nodded in satisfaction.

"That's right, you should know better than to defy... My... Will..."

He blinked. He blinked again. He looked back over at his Death Eaters, all of whom were looking away. One coughed.

For a moment, Voldemort felt as though his head had been replaced with a lollipop, with a wrapper that boldly wore the noun: SUCKER.

"IMPERIO!" Voldemort roared, "we had an incredible battle where my wand and Potter's formed a light show, lots of ghosts of those Potter loved came out of my wand, and those ghosts allowed Potter to escape!"

"Yes, My Lord," all of his Death Eaters said dully.

"Good! Good..”

————————

Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, an exhausted Harry Potter grinned as he was taken to the Medical Wing.

"Knew those Looney Tunes cartoons would come in handy some day..."

From: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387250.../106549563

[Shepherd]

“Hey,” he says, pushing his sunglasses further up his nose. “Anyone seen my intern?”

The kids stare at him, completely unperturbed.

“Peter,” Tony says, in case any of them need clarification.

“He disappeared around the same time that Spiderman showed up to wrangle the acid bird,” MJ says, her tone completely level. “Imagine that.”

The other kids nod. Tony winces.

“You can all expect non-disclosure forms delivered to your doorstep by my very scary lawyers,” he says, internally cursing Peter six ways to Sunday. “If you even think about outing him—”

“You can relax,” Ned says—Tony vaguely recognizes him as Peter’s ‘guy in the chair,’ whatever that means. “They’ve known Peter’s secret for a while now. They won’t tell.”

That takes Tony by surprise. “Excuse me?”

“How stupid do you think we are?” the blond girl demands. “There was that whole thing in Washington—”

“—‘I’m not going to show up at the decathlon meet,’” Flash mimics in an annoyingly high voice. “Unrelated—prepare for the Washington Monument to split open like a watermelon, but don’t worry! A Queens-based vigilante, who just happens to have the exact same voice as I do, is gonna save you guys at the last moment.”

“Spiderman swings by to rescue us at least once a week,” the smiling kid continues, nodding. Tony’s pretty sure his name is Abe. He vaguely remembers the kid’s table from the Midtown science fair—he built a potato-powered microwave that’s “battery” doubled as both a snack and an electric toothbrush. It was pretty damn impressive, even to Tony.

“Peter got super jacked about halfway through our freshman year,” MJ continues, her expression sour. “And he talks about Spiderman all the time. He told Ned about stealing Captain America’s shield in gym class—loudly, might I add—”

“And every time Spiderman swings by to save Midtown from terrorists or bomb threats or acid spitting pigeons, he always pays special attention to MJ,” the blond girl says. “His AI never stops trying to get him to ask her out. So either Spiderman is the world’s biggest perv—”

“Or he’s Peter,” Abe finishes. “And the latter is far more likely.”

“Don’t tell him we know his secret,” the blond girl says quickly. “He takes so much pride in it, and it’s really cute watching him try to come up excuses for why he needs to skip practice.”

“His dog has died seven times,” MJ says.

“One time, he told me he was having kidney stones,” Flash says. “I asked him to prove it—you know, thinking he would send me forged medical papers or whatever—and the next day at school he came up to me, handed me two big-ass rocks, and said, ‘those were inside me.’”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/272420...8#workskin

[classicdrogn]

Quoted in someone's .sig:

"At the bottom, you see, we are not Homo-sapiens at all. Our core is madness. The prime directive is murder. What Darwin was too polite to say, my friends, is that we came to rule the earth not because we were the smartest, or even the meanest, but because we have always been the craziest, most murderous motherfuckers in the jungle." -Stephen King

[classicdrogn]

"it is so insane that humans can draw a really small picture on a rock, zap it with lightning and make it do math"

-- Jin Kee commenting on this video

[Norgarth]

from the latest update to Bruce Quest (Battletech):

"Another reason to have a lot of kids," you say with a smile, "At least one for each branch."

"And if your kids don't want to join the military?" Sue asks, and you can hear the un-stated 'wonder-duchess' tacked onto the end.

"Have enough that at least a few do," you shrug.

"The shotgun approach to child-bearing?" Sue says, shaking her head, "Rhi, your womb isn't an autocannon, and you don't need to be firing cluster rounds."

[Bob Schroeck]

From chapter 44 of Watch by Rorschach's Blot, regarding Hermione:

"She's quite precocious by all accounts," Sir Humphrey said cheerfully. "A perfect combination of her father's ruthlessness and disregard for the law and her mother's disregard for the law and ruthlessness according to our friends that don't officially exist."

[Aleh]

Not a fanfic, but from the latest chapter of RavensDagger's Cinnamon Bun:

“You’d betray me, Thorade? After I brought you so much business?” Baron Vonowl asked.

“You haven’t paid me yet either,” she said.

I made an itty-bitty mental note to make sure I paid people in the future, because it seemed like not doing so led to people being rather unhelpful.

[Aleh]

From Chapter 4 of The Long Khan by CrazyDan:

“He’s also listed as an on board Courtesan.” Data offered.

“You have to be joking.” Picard said.

“No sir.” Data said. “I am not.”

“Is that even allowed under Starfleet guidelines?” Picard asked.

“It is.” Riker said. “It’s rarely used, but it’s in the books.”

The other members of senior staff looked at him.

“What?” Riker asked. “I like obscure trivia.”

“You mean to tell me that one of the ship’s most popular civilian members is also a prostitute?” Picard asked. “Truly?”

“He prefers the term Man-Whore sir.” Data told him.

“I can’t.” Picard muttered as pinched the bridge of his nose. “I just can’t.”

[hazard]

... 'Courtesan' is not the same as 'prostitute'.

A prostitute sells sex. A courtesan sells entertainment (usually sex is part of that).

[Aleh]

... 'Courtesan' is not the same as 'prostitute'.

A prostitute sells sex. A courtesan sells entertainment (usually sex is part of that).

Wikipedia disagrees:

Courtesan, in modern usage, is a euphemism for a "kept" mistress or prostitute, particularly one with wealthy, powerful, or influential clients.[1] The term historically referred to a courtier, a person who attended the court of a monarch or other powerful person.[2]

Context in the fic makes it relatively clear which meaning is being used. Beyond that, I suspect that the entire exchange is in there simply because it's funny.

[Jenova_Silverstar]

"Every compartment is like a knife fight in a phone booth. Everyone comes out bloody and scarred" -- Luke Strasser 
Youtube comment on a tractor prototype restoration video.

(Minneapolis Moline Prototype X231 restoration part 52: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYKmC9OoJKY )

[Aleh]

From the Kamino fight in a Boku no Hero Academia fic in which All For One's real/original name is Mugen:

“So, you and your vaunted successor require little girls to fight your battles for you, All Might?” All for One taunted. 
 
Smiling, All Might said, “Well, we needed someone with the same maturity as your apprentice, Mugen.”  All Might was thrilled when All for One flinched at that.  “But there would be ethical problems associated with hiring preschoolers.”

[Aleh]

From a Boku no Hero Academia fic:

They enter Koji’s personal training area to see Mineta and Nirengeki Shoda of class 1-B battling it out. Both of them are riding atop particularly large deers, using their antlers as handlers and trying to throw each other from their mounts with long sticks pretending to be lances.

Kouda is in the background. He is giving another deer a small wad of money (WHY). The deer delicately takes it into its mouth, and departs into the forest.

What the fuck? What the ACTUAL EVERLIVING FUCK? What just happened? Why did it happen? Did someone sneak some drugs in Eraserhead’s coffee? Why would a deer accept money?

“Well, normally animals can’t comprehend very detailed instructions.” Midoriya starts his explanations. “However Kouda can tell them to do rather complicated things. I’ve made a theory that repeated usages of his quirks on the same animals actually stimulate their intellectual growth. They don’t make them much smarter, but they expand their horizons, introducing new, human concepts and so on. So… we’ve begun to experiment on how far we can take them.”

Alright, Eraserhead. You are a teacher. A veteran hero. Sure, someone must have hit you with an insanity-inducing quirk, but you can do it. Do it the same way as you did your relationship with Emi ever since she knocked your house door’s in and dragged you out for a date.

Wing it.

“So… you started to bribe them?” Be calm. Be calm. Be calm. “What do they even need money for?”

“Oh, there is a shop down the street that sells a lot of natural food.” Midoriya replies. “Almost at the forest’s edge. We made a deal with the owner that they exchange the money brought by the deers for some food that they can eat safely. Apparently having deers come out of the forest to buy food from you really drives your sales up when you’re selling organic food. We’re actually getting most of the money back for this, especially after they realized what a spike in popularity it gave them. ”

Well, he can imagine that.

“Midoriya.” Eraserhead really wants to jump out of the window now. Alas, he is outside. No windows in sight. “Stop corrupting the local wildlife, please.”

Kouda quickly starts gesticulating. Sign language. Thankfully, Eraserhead knows it (so does Midoriya, but that concludes the list of people who can speak it in the vicinity).

“Koji.” Eraserhead is sooo done right now. “Refer to this as ‘teaching your furry friends about the joys of living in a capitalist society’ again, and I swear to god, you’re going to get expelled faster than you can say ‘public ownership of the means of production’. Did I make myself clear?”

Even more gestures. Koji seems to be vaguely pouting (hard to say when you look like you’re a stone golem).

“Koji, no.” Eraserhead is adamant. “You aren’t teaching them how to compete with humans on the market in order to obtain financial independence. You are messing up their lives. Stop doing that.” More signs. “What do you mean by ‘I refuse to close my pet rabbit’s stock market portfolio’?” 

[Aleh]

From later on in that same fic:

“If I use guns and martial arts training that I obtained…” Mostly during his retreat to America, damn if that wasn’t an eventful journey towards self-realization and brutal extinguishment of your enemies. “...I can actually become Japan’s first quirkless hero. No one is going to say no to the former Number One Hero. I can become a symbol for other quirkless, showing them that they can become heroes too!”

And probably atoning finally in his own eyes for the stupid answer he gave to Izuku back then. That was a really badly thought reply.

“And, for as much as I love spending the time with my family and teaching the kids at UA, I just…” He takes a deep breath. “I need to help people. Heroism is… it’s just a core point of what I am, of what I always was. It’s the mantle of the Symbol of Peace that I grew weary of.”

Besides, this is the only way of legalizing the small arsenal that he obtained along the way. Or, at least, the only one that he can achieve on a reasonable timescale.

Silence reigns in the room for almost ten seconds. During that time, she takes another sip of the tea. Gracefully, of course. Then she puts it back on the table. And All Might can feel her eyes on him. With their whole intensity.

“Toshi.” She says. With confidence, grace and seriousness that’s almost unlike her. “I’m not vetoing your decision to become a hero again, now that your health is improving rapidly. Especially not if it’s going to make quirkless people out there not go through the same things that happened to Izuku. I’m vetoing your decision to do that while wearing a cowboy hat and under a hero name of Y’all Might.”

Truly, betrayal of those close to you stings the most.

[Aleh]

From a (among other things) Ranma/BnHA fic, in which Endeavor gets to deal with the general chaos that is Ranma-chan. He has yet (as of my writing this) to hear of Jusenkyo.

"Our… initial interaction was not very good," Mandalay said as she looked at her feet. "I have a theory on why, but I don't want to push her on it yet. But she quickly warmed up to us after that. She listened and answered our questions and seemed very relaxed around us."

When Mandalay looked up, her face went white as she looked towards him. Her hands covered her eyes as she whispered, "Oh no!" Shinji figured she had realized where he was leading the conversation, but then Pixie-Bob started giggling to the side. Enji looked in her direction, but she lost it even further as she bent over, laughing and pointing in his direction.

Enji was now confused, especially when Tiger pulled out his cell phone and took a picture. Ragdoll was smiling as usual when Enji realized her eyes weren't looking directly at him but off to his side somewhat. And what was that smell?

"Hey, can you turn it up some? They're cooking too slowly."

Enji turned to his left and then up as he saw the girl hanging upside down from the patio rafters. She had some skewers with pieces of marshmallow on them, which were held directly over his flames.

[Norgarth]

from Dogbertcarroll's Overcharged (PowerPack based Marvel fic)

"Okay, the adults are gone, what are we up to that we don't want them to know?" Franklin (Richards) asked.

"Ahem", Hank (McCoy) said, and gave a little wave.

"You don't count," said Franklin, "Like Uncle Ben you're secretly a kid pretending to be an adult."

Hank considered that for a moment and nodded. "Yeah, that's fair."

[classicdrogn]

It took us almost the entire week to get from Monday to Friday. Go figure.

-- Rob Kelk's MC in Issekai by Moonlight

Okay, maybe it's not, like, awesome awesome, but it made me physically laugh and broke a bad mood, so that's awesome enough for me.