Okay, here's what I've been working on for most of a week. I'll apologize in advance for the forced rhyme at the end, but I had to meet Rob's requirements after all.
I should also note that I've emulated the formatting I saw as a boy in the first volumes of Shakespeare I ever owned, where multiple lines which were part of the same five iambs were indicated with progressive levels of indentation. When you see this, think of them as though they were all on the same line.
All right, that's enough dithering, on to the actual fun.
Abbott:
Hail good Costello, to New York with thee
I go. Harris, chief of all the Yankees,
Hath made me coach, as long as thou dost play
Upon the team.
Costello:
Indeed, if thou art coach
Each man upon the team thou must know of.
Abbott:
I' truth, I do.
Costello:
Thou wit, then, I have not
Yet made myself known to all the Yankees;
Their names must you tell me, and then will I
Know all with whom the game I play.
Abbott:
Forsooth,
Their names to you I'll tell, but wot thou that
Eke-names most odd and strange they use these days.
Costello:
Mean thou names to amuse?
Abbott:
Confusing names,
Familiar names -- for one, like Dizzy Dean...
Costello:
Hath he not a brother gone by "Daffy"?
Abbott:
Ay, there's Daffy.
Costello:
And their cousin, of France.
Abbott:
A French cousin?
Costello:
Goofé.
Abbott:
(scornfully) Goofé Dean. Thou
Prating fool. Now let me account for all
Who play. First those who on the bases stand:
Who is on first. What is on second. I
Wot Not is on the third...
Costello:
God's truth, this is
The very thing I seek to learn.
Abbott:
Again,
Who is on first. What is on second. I
Wot Not is on the third...
Costello:
Art thou not the
One who manages the Yankees?
Abbott:
I am.
Costello:
And art thou not to be their coach?
Abbott:
I am.
Costello:
And yet their names you do not know?
Abbott:
I do.
Costello:
Tell me then, man, who is found on first?
Abbott:
Yes.
Costello:
Pray tell, I seek the fellow's name.
Abbott:
'Tis Who.
Costello:
The one who stands upon the first base.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
The first baseman.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
The goodman playing...
Abbott:
Who is on first!
Costello:
I ask
you who's on first.
Abbott:
Verily, that is the name of the man.
Costello:
That is who's name?
Abbott:
It is.
Costello:
Prithee, tell me.
Abbott:
'Tis it.
Costello:
'Tis who?
Abbott:
It is.
PAUSE (The two missing iambs at the end of this exchange is how Shakespeare wrote pauses into his scripts. The pause in the routine at the point is the equivalent of about two iambs long in most filmed versions. All future pauses will also be two iambs long.)
Pray, dost thou have a man on first?
Abbott:
I do.
Costello:
Who doth upon yon first base stand?
Abbott:
In truth.
Costello:
Upon receipt of his wages, who gets
The gold?
Abbott:
Ev'ry mark and talent of it.
Costello:
I seek naught but to discover the name
Of the man that stands on the first base.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
The man that gets...
Abbott:
That's it.
Costello:
Who gets the money...
Abbott:
He does, ev'ry mark and talent. Forsooth,
Ofttmes his wife doth come to collect it.
Costello:
Who's wife?
Abbott:
It is, in truth.
PAUSE
Abbott:
Pray tell, what fault find you with her habit?
Costello:
I seek to know, when his contract he signs,
What name doth he write upon the page?
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
That bawcock.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
How doth he sign it...
Abbott:
Indeed, he doth sign it so.
Costello:
Who?
Abbott:
In truth.
Costello:
Marry, I seek only to learn what is
The name of the fellow who stands on first.
Abbott:
Nay, friend. What stands upon the second base.
Costello:
I ask you not who it is on second.
Abbott:
Who is on first.
Costello:
Let us do but one base!
Abbott:
Why then, change not all the players about.
Costello:
Hang thee, I do not change all the players!
Abbott:
Calm thyself, man!
Costello:
I but ask you, who is
The man who doth on first base stand?
Abbott:
'Tis so.
Costello:
Ay, then.
Abbott:
For certes, then.
PAUSE
Costello:
What is the name of the man on first base?
Abbott:
Nay, What is on second.
Costello:
I ask not who
Is on second.
Abbott:
Who is on first, I say.
Costello:
I wot not.
Abbott:
He is on third, but we speak
Not of him at this time.
Costello:
Hold you! Now how
Upon third did I come to be anon?
Abbott:
Why, his name thou didst speak to me, good man.
Costello:
If I didst speak the name of the man on
Third, who didst I then say upon third stands?
Abbott:
Nay! Who dost play first.
Costello:
What then is on first?
Abbott:
In faith, What is on second.
Costello:
I wot not.
Abbott:
He doth play third.
Costello:
Again, I am on third!
Wouldst thou then stay on third and leave it not?
Abbott:
E'en so. What then dost thou desire to know?
Costello:
Marry, who is it that is playing third base?
Abbott:
Why insist thou to put Who on third base?
Costello:
What do I put on third?
Abbott:
Nay, What is on
Second.
Costello:
You want not who upon second?
Abbott:
Who is upon first.
Costello:
I wot not.
Together:
Third base!
Costello:
Good now, dost thou an outfield have?
Abbott:
What else?
Costello:
Thy left fielder's name?
Abbott:
Why.
Costello:
Thought I to ask.
Abbott:
Thought I thus to tell thee.
Costello:
Tell me then who
'Tis doth play the left field.
Abbott:
Who doth play first.
Costello:
Nay... Aroint thee from the infield! I seek
To know what doth the name be of the man
in thy left field?
Abbott:
Nay, What is on second.
Costello:
I asked not who 'tis that be on second.
Abbott:
Who's on
First!
Costello:
I wot not.
Together:
Third base!
PAUSE
Costello:
The left fielder's name?
Abbott:
Why.
Costello:
Because!
Abbott:
He is
To be found in the center field.
PAUSE
Costello:
Mark, hath thou a pitcher upon this team?
Abbott:
Aye.
Costello:
Hath the pitcher a name?
Abbott:
The Morrow.
Costello:
Doth thou not desire to tell me to-day?
Abbott:
Ay, I do tell you to-day.
Costello:
Then do so!
Abbott:
The Morrow!
Costello:
At what hour?
Abbott:
At what hour what?
Costello:
At what hour the morrow wilt thou reveal
To me who is pitching?
Abbott:
Hark you, Who does not pitch.
Costello:
Thy arm I will surely break, an you say
Who is on first. I wouldst know what is the
Name of the pitcher!
Abbott:
What is on second.
Costello:
I wot not.
Together:
Third base!
PAUSE
Costello:
Hast thou a catcher?
Abbott:
I' truth, that we do.
Costello:
Thy catcher's name?
Abbott:
To-day.
Costello:
To-day, and the
Morrow's pitching.
Abbott:
Thou hast the right of it.
Costello:
We have but a pair of days on the team.
PAUSE
Costello:
I too am a catcher.
Abbott:
So I have been told.
Costello:
I take then my place
Behind the plate to catch most fair the ball;
The morrow doth pitch 'pon my team, and look
You, a puissant hitter doth stand 'gainst me.
The hitter doth bunt the ball, and I, good
Catcher I am, doth throw him out at first.
Thus must I take the ball and throw to who?
Abbott:
This is the sole correct thing thou hast said.
Costello:
I wot not what I speak!
PAUSE
Abbott:
Certes, that then is all that thou must do.
Costello:
Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott:
Indeed!
Costello:
Now who hath it?
Abbott:
Naturally.
PAUSE
Costello:
Attend -- an I throw the ball to first base,
Someone then must catch it. Now who hath it?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello:
Who hath?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello:
Naturally?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello:
Then do
I throw it forthwith to Naturally.
Abbott:
Nay, you throw it to Who.
Costello:
Naturally.
Abbott:
Nay, 'tis very diff'rent.
Costello:
'Tis what I said.
Abbott:
Thou sayeth it not...
Costello:
I doth throw the ball
To Naturally.
Abbott:
Thou throws't thus to Who.
Costello:
Naturally.
Abbott:
'Tis it.
Costello:
'Tis what I said!
Abbott:
Ask thou me.
Costello:
Throw I the ball then to who?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Abbott:
Now dost thou ask't of me.
Abbott:
Throwst thou the ball to who?
Costello:
Naturally.
Abbott:
'Tis it.
Costello:
Same as thee! Same as thee! Throweth
I the ball to Who. Whoev'r 'tis gouts the
Ball and the hitter runneth to second.
Who picketh up the ball, and throweth it
To What. What throweth it to I Wot Not.
I Wot Not throweth it to The Morrow
For the triple play. Another hitter
Doth come to bat and hitteth a long fly
Ball to Because. Why? I wot not! He stands
On third, and I care not a whit!
Abbott:
What is't
Thou sayeth?
Costello:
I say I care not a whit!
Abbott:
That one is our shortstop, knowest thou it.
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