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[teaser] Rebuild of Mr. Fnord Goes To Washington
02-14-2011, 04:19 AM
So, yeah, in a fit of "I can do better than this!" I decided to rip up the original Mr. F Goes to DC story and rewrite huge chunks of it, much in the same way I dismantled and reconstructed the original draft of South Is Rising. This one should be complete soon, deus vult and the crick don't rise. Here's a sample of the new material:
Quote:“We took it upon ourselves to restore NASA to it's rightful place in the vanguard of space exploration,” Mal replied. “If that meant flaunting a law signed in a blind panic, so be it. The American people may not think much of Fen, but they respect NASA. More to the point, us Fen respect NASA. Everything that organization did in the fifty years before handwavium inspired the men and women who went out into space and built the coalition of nations that exists today. Your distinguished colleagues decided to dishonor their achievements and sacrifices in the name of fear, and the Soviet Air Force chose to give them back what they earned.”
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Heh. Nice. Shall we also redo the email thread? I promise that Ben will behave better. 
Reads really well... I am looking forward to get more of the revised text. 
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blackaeronaut Wrote:Heh. Nice. Shall we also redo the email thread? I promise that Ben will behave better. Maybe in some particulars, but the thread as a whole should probably remain as-is. We all know how folks jump to wrong conclusions based on incomplete and misunderstood information.
(And I might need to re-write a scene in With This Station-Ring to match the Mr. Fnord... re-write.)
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Quote:Shall we also redo the email thread? I promise that Ben will behave better.
I'm not sure what will happen with the email thread. My initial impulse is to scrap it in favor of prose while salvaging the core plot points & dialogue (see: South Is Rising round 2), but the distributed nature of the argument makes that difficult. We'll see. I'm still working on revising Mal's meeting with Mary and the opening of the committee meeting, so we can still sort things out.
Also, Ben behaving badly actually makes him a more interesting character than Squarejaw McSpacehero. Plus I have profanity-laced plans for Ben, so request denied.
(Mal: "I'm going to kill him. I swear to Almighty Zeus, I'm going to kill him! I'm going to castrate him and suffocate him on his own cock and balls!")
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Meanwhile, back on Atalante, Ben fires back: "Well what the fuck do you expect, Mr. Inscrutability! I swear to God if you played shit any closer to your chest you'd be having it surgically attached there!"
We can have so much fun going back and forth with this, I bet.
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And the only reason that Noah's staying out of the Mal/Ben ruckus after returning from his honeymoon is that his favourite daughter is working for the VVS. (If he knew that his favourite daughter had a crush on Mal, he'd... eventually get used to it.)
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I couldn't possibly comment.
And on that note, another teaser:
Quote:“I packed a jumpsuit in case of emergencies. Besides,” Sora said with a shrug, “it wouldn't be the first time I've had to do repair work in formalwear.”
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"Ah, flashback humor." --Tyler Durden
Quote:“You’re… you’re the Orbiter?”
“I suppose I am the Orbiter,” Dev said. “After all, I’ve got a rudder, and ailerons, and engines.” She paused. “Wait one, I don’t have engines. Some filthy bugger’s gone and stolen my engines!” Console lights flashed and buzzers buzzed as Endeavour looked wrathful.
“No, wait! Wait!” Max said desperately. “Your engines weren’t stolen, they’re in another bay for processing! The engine team was going to reintegrate them tomorrow!”
The buzzing and flashing ceased. “Reintegrate them, huh?” she said.
“Yes!”
“Hm,” Dev hmm’d. “Well, then I suppose I can forgive you. After all, a shuttle without engines is just an expensive museum exhibit, yeah?”
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For some reason, I am reminded of Eddie Murphy's old routine about the talking car designed for black people. "Yo, fool! Someone stole yo' batt'ry!!"
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My Mom read that and said, "Oh, she means the Enterprise."
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Last bit of the rewrite stuff, from here on out it's all new material:
Quote:Mal shook his head. “Okay, okay,” he said, conceding the argument. “So, what kind of gossip have you got?”
Mary sighed. “Your antics have a lot of people in an uproar. TSAB's flacks have been all over the place drumming up support for something; I think they want to confiscate the shuttles and impose a penalty on Fenspace. Your old buddy Caldwell's already testified twice before the committee. He's the one who really got the wind in Kellerman's sails about you.”
“Is that where it broke, or has dear Stephen been selling me as the next best thing to Josef Stalin?”
“More Stalin, less hard info,” Mary said. “Lots of 'I knew he was dangerous' and other bullshit. I think Kellerman figured out most of it on his own, digging into NASA books after the shuttles flew. Kellerman's claiming he has evidence of a wider conspiracy and wants 'punitive measures,' unquote.” She paused. “I don't suppose you'll tell me what really happened, right?”
“Oh, I will,” Mal said. “As soon as you're nice and safely retired from public office.” Mary scowled. “Seriously,” he added hastily. “It's better for everybody involved that you don't know the whole story.”
“Fine, keep your secrets,” Mary grumbled.
“It's for the best. Anything else?”
“Buckaroo Banzai's got one of his guys, what's-his-name, Jack the Sophist-”
“Philosopher Bob,” Mal corrected.
“Yeah, him. He's been shoring up support in the pro-Fen caucuses in advance of your arrival. Chris Marsden's been spotted in town too; reassuring his favorite donatees that he's still patriotic and has no idea what the Communist menace is up to. The President hasn't taken sides yet, but you can bet he will before this is over.” She eyed Mal. “When you kick over a hornet's nest, you really kick, don't you?”
“It's a kind of magic,” Mal said.
And on the subject of new material... BA, you up to writing a little thing about Annika meeting Queen Serenity about the RR's concerns? Doesn't have to be long, just enough to outline the argument & set up the fallout.
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Snippet that came to me:
Quote:Eljay's normally jovial face darkened into a hooded glare better suited to a Severus Snape cosplayer than a master puppeteer as the junior Senator from New Hampshire took his seat on the panel.
"Don't do anything stupid, VF," *foo* warned.
The heavyset man's face reddened and his shoulders shook in suppressed fury.
"'It's not petty powermongering, Mister Goddard,'" he quoted. "'It's justice. Or at least that's how the papers will see it.'" He seethed for a few moments and then, shaking as the adrenaline wore off, sat down. "This is Mal's show, *foo*. I'll let him handle it. But that toadying sycophantic fearmonger will not enjoy a second term in office if I have anything to say about it."
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M Fnord Wrote:Last bit of the rewrite stuff Speaking of rewrites, I assume you've already handled this, but... Noah wouldn't fly quite so far off the handle as he did in the first version of the story. There, he's under the impression that the entire VVS has been summoned to Washington, which means he thinks Sora's been summoned to Washington, and that sets the "overprotective father" flag. Since I'm reasonably sure that Mal will mention he's the only one that's going to D.C. when Noah talks with him, that flag doesn't get set. Yes, Noah will still offer the services of his D.C. lawyer - he's starting to actually like Mal at this point to go along with the respect he's had for a "fellow faction leader" - but he won't be as pushy about the offer.
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Yeah, I revised it so Noah's more pissy about the whole "oh hai Noah, just letting you know I might skip the wedding at the very last millisecond because something came up" thing than anything else. Which, you know, seems entirely reasonable.
ETA Teaser:
Quote:From: Mal Fnord
To: Noah Scott
Date: 21 Mar 2014
Subj: Advertisement (forgive me, Ernest)
MAN WANTED to take on hazardous purchase. White elephants incl. support staff, dangerous & untested machines, long hours, profitability & return on investment doubtful. Honor, glory and recognition in case of success.
Don’t be a schmuck. Take the offer when it comes. --M
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Quote:From: Noah Scott
To: Mal Fnord
Date: 21 Mar 2014
Subj: Re: Advertisement (forgive me, Ernest)
> Don’t be a schmuck. Take the offer when it comes. --M
You want me to throw money at a problem. Isn't that part of how I got into trouble with the Convention back in 2009?
But, considering what you talked about with Congress last week, I think I know what the problem is... and wild elephants couldn't keep me from throwing money at that. Especially considering I've already placed an offer.
--NS
Or words to that effect.
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M Fnord Wrote:And on the subject of new material... BA, you up to writing a little thing about Annika meeting Queen Serenity about the RR's concerns? Doesn't have to be long, just enough to outline the argument & set up the fallout. Mal, I'll give it a good shot, and try for a bit of funny, too. I've got a good idea of how this all went down.
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Gondor has no context. Gondor needs no context:
Quote:Jess stepped forward, brushing past a startled Gina. Dainty hands grabbed the front of Ben’s shirt as the small blue-haired girl pulled him up and across the desk. “YOU BRAINLESS SCUMBAG,” she roared in his face, “I SENT YOU A TELEGRAM!”
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M Fnord Wrote:Gondor has no context. Gondor needs no context:
Quote:Jess stepped forward, brushing past a startled Gina. Dainty hands grabbed the front of Ben’s shirt as the small blue-haired girl pulled him up and across the desk. “YOU BRAINLESS SCUMBAG,” she roared in his face, “I SENT YOU A TELEGRAM!” We were somewhere near Stellvia when the drugs started to take hold....
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Sounds like somebody's crossed some magnets.
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Hrm... Well, I'll do what I can with it.
"Telegram," cried out Ben in shock. He then glanced over Gina. "Telegram!?" he asked, incredulously.
Gina, at her rarest, was at a total loss. "Ah... I'll go and... investigate."
Jess glanced between Ben and Gina as the latter left. She knew very well that Gina screened everything destined for Ben's desk with a fine-tooth comb, and Telegrams had top-priority. It was Roughrider code for a highly encrypted laser-burst transmission. It wasn't often a Telegram was used for matters not pertaining to O:GJ, but even so it should have found its way to Ben's desk - it was simply something that Gina, as an infomorph, could not have missed. Jess turned a skeptical glare at Benjamin, monitoring his stress levels carefully.
Ben did not disappoint as he locked eyes with her. "Don't worry, Jess. We'll get to the bottom of this."
"You had better," she grumbled as she let Ben down. "The last thing we need is a mole."
So... thickens the plot a bit, does it? ;
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Um... yeahno. I know Gondor needs no context, but the context is very different from what you were thinking.
(Hint: Hivemind == secure communications)
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Oh! I thought she was an Independant Runner. She does that whenever they need someone trustworthy to infiltrate a network - Mistress of Disguise and all, you know.
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Just a little quickie bit here, as a reminder that I'm still plugging away at the story.
Quote:“Rumi,” he said as the pair exited the White House. “Call ahead and tell the kids to tear everything down and get the bags packed. We’re on the first plane home.” He paused. “And get some of those towels, too,” he added. “Spoils of war.”
“I take it the meeting didn’t go as planned?” Rumi said.
“On the contrary,” Mal replied. “The meeting went exactly as planned.”
Mal's voice seems to be slipping into Horatio Caine territory here. I think maybe I should cut back on the CSI: Miami.
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