Lower your Self-Esteem in a Minute or Less!

[Evil Midnight Lurker]

To temporarily deflate your local Doctor Doom clone's megalomania, I give you:
National Lampoon's "Deteriorata."
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.
Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.
You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here.
And, whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.
-----
(of course, once the song shuts down, you've got a very -angry- megalomaniac on your hands. But what's one more Hunted?)
--Sam
"I will now lower you into my pit of man-eating alligators and cows!"

[Valles]

---

That lemon on your left for instance.

---

Ah, no. Leman, archaic noun, lover or mistress.

---

For a good time, call 606-4311.

---

Incomplete line - goes on to say: "Ask for Candy."

---

It could only be worse in Sioux City.

---

Milwaukee.

---

You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here.
And, whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.

---

Note that this shows up from the background singers all throughout the 'song'.
Anyway, nice thought! I like it!
Blessed be.
-n
===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

[Bob Schroeck]

---

Incomplete line - goes on to say: "Ask for Candy."

---

Actually, it's "Ask for Ken".
I have the poster version, you see...
(Oh, and the background singer is Melissa Manchester, before she got famous... I also have the recording.)

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Evil Midnight Lurker]

...I -thought- there was something wrong with these lyrics; been a while since I heard it played. Should have googled for more copies and cross-checked 'em.
I don't believe the "leman" bit though... it makes much more sense this way. Bob?
--Sam
"Let's fight until one of us is a drooling cripple the rest of his life. It's more fun that way!"

[Bob Schroeck]

"Lemon". I think Nathan was being tongue-in-cheek there.

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Valles]

---

"Lemon". I think Nathan was being tongue-in-cheek there.

---

Actually, no. Leman is a real word, and as far as I know is pronounced like the fruit... and makes much more sense in context. After all, a guy is much more likely to be sitting next to his mistress than a giant yellow football-shaped citrus...
Hm. I think that the version on the Dr. Demento Anniversary disk must be slightly different from the one on the poster - my memory just doesn't match your corrections.
Blessed be.
-n
===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

[Logan Darklighter]

"Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese"
I don't know why for the life of me, but the first time I ever heard this, that particular line just made me keel over laughing. ^_^
-Logan
------------------
"This is getting ridiculous. If I hear one more..."
"So gone, gone o form of man... arise the Sailor Etrigan!" called out another voice.
*poof* A yellow-skinned horned demon stood there.
In a very short Sailor fuku.
He had really ugly yellow knobby knees, too.
The cigarette finally dropped from John
Constantine's mouth. "Okay, that's it, I'm
gone. See you lads later."
----------------

[Bob Schroeck]

---

Leman is a real word, and as far as I know is pronounced like the fruit... and makes much more sense in context.

---

Oh, I know it's a real word, but a) "lemon" as used in this sense means "loser" or "turkey", and b) it's "lemon" on my poster -- which is complete with author credit (Tony Hendra, of National Lampoon fame).
Oh, and the phone number for Ken is different, but to tell you the truth, it seems to vary with each release I've seen -- probably for (semi-)legal reasons.

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Valles]

---

Oh, I know it's a real word, but a) "lemon" as used in this sense means "loser" or "turkey"

---

Ah. I've never heard that.

---

b) it's "lemon" on my poster -- which is complete with author credit (Tony Hendra, of National Lampoon fame).

---

You win.

---

Oh, and the phone number for Ken is different, but to tell you the truth, it seems to vary with each release I've seen -- probably for (semi-)legal reasons.

---

Or they just make it up on the spot. Can't forget that possibility.
Blessed be.
-n
===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

[Bob Schroeck]

---

Ah. I've never heard that.

---

Well, it's an older usage. Remember, Deteriorata was written in the late 60s or early 70s; I first found it on a used record that I bought circa 1978.

---

You win.

---

Ahem. Excuse me. I'm better now.

---

Or they just make it up on the spot. Can't forget that possibility.

---

Maybe. Still, they always seem to end in "4311".

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Aleh]

Yep. Nowadays, you only really hear it in referring to a defective or just plain bad product (usually a car).
Ex: I never should have trusted that used-car salesman; this stupid thing is the world's biggest lemon.