new quotelets

[Norgarth]

"You live and learn. At any rate, you live." - Douglas Adams
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundread grand.
"What if this weren't a hypothetical question?"
there's too much blood in my caffine system.
"If honesty is the best policy, why isn't it government policy?" - Dave Broadfoot__________________
I bet that if you cooked an elephant, you'd have a lot of leftovers.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[DHBirr]

In Defense of the Terran Empire
Paraphrased from Rudyard Kipling
We have fed the Cosmos uncounted lives
And It calls us, still unfed,
Though theres scarce a star of all Its stars
But marks our Terran dead.
We have strewn our best to the Voids unrest,
To the dark and silent chill:
If our blood be the price of Empire,
Lord God, we have paid the bill!
Its few the stars that shine on worlds
Shine not on a Terran hull,
And few the worlds where our blood has not
Been mixed into the soil.
We have sought and found and died on worlds
From the Core out to the Rim:
If our blood be the price of Empire,
Lord God, we have paid it in!
We must feed the Cosmos uncounted lives
For that is our doom and our pride,
As it was when the Vostok rose to the sky,
As it is in our scouts ranging wide.
The ebb and flow of the tides of Space
Our heartbeat and our knell:
If our blood be the price of Empire,
Lord God, we shall pay it well!
-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[aeroprime]

Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Duh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-aeroprime
-----------
"I did NOT escape! They gave me a day pass."

[Sirrocco]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Thank you. That was delicious.

[TheTwisted1]

Here's one from my youngest brother:
"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye...then it's just a game: 'Find The Eye.'"

And a few of mine:
Mad Scientist : "God?" Why, that's my favorite game!
--
Government Official: We do not negotiate with terrorists.
Villain: That's good, because my demands are not negotiable.
--
Nietzsche's Dictum: What does not kill you only makes you stronger
Toriyama's Corollary to Nietzsche's Dictum: And if you're a Saiyajin, what does kill you makes you even stronger than that.

--The Twisted One"Welcome to Fanboy Hell. You will be spending eternity here, in a small room with Jar-Jar Binks and Dobby the house-elf."
"If you
wish to converse with me, define your
terms."

--Voltaire

[DHBirr]

According to my source, these are actual answers received on the California Department of Transportation's driving school exam. I have my doubts about that, but they're too funny not to pass on:
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find my keys.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: My car.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[Norgarth]

first, a selection of George Carlin quotes
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
"Why is it called tourist season if we aren't allowed to hunt them?"
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"Is there another word for synonym?"
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
"Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?"
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark
"A raindance is schedualed for tomorrow night, weather permitting."
"I can do nothing to stop you. Your background music is too strong for me." - Who's Line is it Anyways?
If violence is not solving your problems you're just not using enough of it. - Misato (Neon Genesis Evangelion)
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell". - Brian Clark
"Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other peoples affairs." [pause] "Since when, sir?" General Hammond and Colonel O'Neil, Stargate SG-1
"The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils." - 'Weird Al' Yankovic
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." - Robin Williams.
"For many years I have tried to visit your fair city, BUT YOU HAVE ALWAYS SHOOTED AT ME!" - Don Karnage (Tailspin)
"Best defense - is not be there." - Pat Morita
"I want to see how a war is fought, so badly!" "You've come to the right place. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of the vikings, accidentally ordered 300 battle helmets with the horns on the inside." - Blackadder Goes Forth
"What kind of idiot do you take me for?" "Dunno, how many kinds are there?" - Disney's The Gummi Bears
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Noel Coward
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork." - Edward Abbey
"The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools." - Doug Larson
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?" - Spike Milligan
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." - Hubert H. Humphrey__________________
I bet that if you cooked an elephant, you'd have a lot of leftovers.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Norgarth]

I'm an iccorigible punster, so don't incorrage me.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
When there's an emergency at the 911 office, what number do they call?
He's a sex object. He asks for sex and women object.
Where do homeless people have 95% of their accidents?
What did tornados hit before there were trailerparks?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
9 out of 10 doctors say that the 10th doctor should mellow out.
Do not believe anything is foolproof. People tend to underestimate the ingenuity of a complete fool.
Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Insanity doesn't run in my family, it stampedes!
Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste
Why do they serilize the needles for leathal injections?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
I let my mind wander and it never came back.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
C BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C EXOR.SYS
Now there's a man who suffers from delusions of adaquacy.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Growing old is manditory. Growing up is optional.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Parachute for sale. No strings attached.
Someone has to finish last in medical school, how do you know it's not your doctor?
The world ends tonight, weather permitting.
I was passing by a cornerstore and saw 2 signs in the window. The 1st said "Clerk can not open safe." the 2nd said "Help wanted."
If wine goes with fish, do grapes go with sushi?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
If someone plays the bagpipes well, how can you tell?
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
I once took a part in a major hollywood movie, but they made me give it back.
Last time I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, I got a 10 piece. When I put it together it turned out to be a cat.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?>
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Light travels faster than sound, that is why some people appear bright until they speak.
The Duckbilled Platapus, proof that even God gets stoned every once in a while.
Don't you wish you could turn up the intelligence on your TV sometimes? They've got one dial marked brightness, but that don't work.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
It's always fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it's a sport.
If you shoot a mime to death ... is a silencer even necessary?
"I think we need to add some more chlorine to the genepool."__________________
I bet that if you cooked an elephant, you'd have a lot of leftovers.
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin

[Sirrocco]

There is nothing you can do to me that I cannot pervert. I am a free man. Your laws bind me at their peril.

[Kokuten]

Sauce, Sirrocco?Wire Geek - Burning the weak and trampling the dead since 1979Wire Geek - Burning the weak and trampling the dead since 1979

[Sirrocco]

Actually, that one is mine, out of one of those story fragments that I know will never be finished. Use it as you will.

[Kokuten]

Grassy ass!Wire Geek - Burning the weak and trampling the dead since 1979Wire Geek - Burning the weak and trampling the dead since 1979

[DHBirr]

"We've had our differences, but he's seen the light ... and I made sure he moved toward it, instead of coming back."-----
Gentlemen, it has long been my conviction that all citizens should provide services for which their talents best suit them in support of those who have been called to duty. In the case of politicians such as yourselves, that would be target practice.
-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[Duane Peters]

[shakes head] "Dammit, I *hate* the smell of burning dwarf!" [plaintively] "Yeah. All that *hair*."
[wakes up screaming] "I was an evil minion for the *Dairy Queen*?!"

[ECSNorway]

A line never uttered by Lieutenant McCandless, GENOM White Legion, during his testimony before the Jedi Council in Symphony #4's 'The Revolution Will Be Televised':
"We had no more reason to expect serious hostilities than on any other visit to the Klingon homeworld."--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Sirrocco]

All of these are mine. Permission is given happily to anyone who can make any use of them. I don't *think* I've tossed any of this up on the board before, but I can't be certain. Regardless, I wish you joy in it.
-------------
There's a They Might Be Giants song, that I feel really resonates with me. It's got this line....
"There's only one thing that I know how to do well, and I've often been told you should do whatever you know how to do well, and that's be you. Be what you're like. Be like yourself...."
Well, that's sort of the line. That's most of the line. Really, though, it starts a few notes earlier.
"Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark - There's only one thing that I know how to do well...."
--------------------
"Well, I did manage to get one spell to stick on him. It's a silly spell, but it might do some good."
"What spell was that, Giles?"
"The Madman's rant. For the duration, and it should last a good month, he'll be compelled to gloat maniacally, whenever he thinks he's won. It's not much, I admit."
"Before I Kill You, Mr. Bond?"
"I figured it couldn't hurt."
--------------------
"Uh... um... Excuse me? I think I can help. I'm good at... at stuff."
Diane looked at her with red-rimmed eyes. "Why are you here? He's dead. Can you help with dead?"
"Well...yeah, actually. That's the stuff I'm good at."

"Cedar ash."
"Cedar ash."
"Goat's blood."
"Goat's blood."
"Potpurri."
"..."
"Potpurri!"
"...potpurri?"
"Listen. He's a zombie. One way or the other, he's going to smell like dead things. Dead flowers smell a lot better than dead bodies. Now hand me the damn potpurri!
"Right. Got it. Potpurri."
"Silver dust."
"Silver dust."

"She's creepy."
"C'mon, man. Give her a break. She brought you back to life for crying out loud."
"No. She didn't bring me back to life. She raised me from the dead. There's a difference. You see, when someone brings you back to life, you end up, y'know, alive. I'm still dead. It's just a walking around kinda dead."
"So what's the big deal?"
"What's the big deal? What's the big deal? I'm cold to the touch, I smell like potpurri, I've got a hole in my chest where my heart used to be, and I keep feeling like I should be shambling around mumbling about brains. It's a big deal."
"It's better than being totally dead, isn't it?"
"Sure. But she's still creepy."
-------------------
"The propehcies give us one month notice. We give you this book. You probably want to read it through once or twice before your alotted Becoming. You might not have much time afterwards."
"Rule 1: Any time that any one, mysterious or horrifying, says anything cryptic, write it down. Keep pen and paper with you at all times, just in case. They may be lying, but write it down, verbatim if you can."
-------------------
*Flashback*
"You *ARE* going to marry her, right?"
"Yes, grandmother."
"You *ARE* going to marry him, right?"
"Yes, grandmother."
The imposing little crone relaxed, and smiled beatifically.
"No harm done, then. Daniel - Fetch cousin Marco for me, would you please?"
She hopped off her thronelet and began puttering around the room, tending to her flowers while making cheerful noises.
the couple stayed cowering for a moment longer, then peered up in confusion. The girl was the first to find her voice.
"You seem so... well... unruffled, Grandmother."
"Well, Sylia, I suppose it is a little irregular, but we'll have you married within the week, so, really, its more a matter of the two of you taking the steps a little out of order than anything else. Well, that and the enraged duke, but angry nobility is nothing new. Anyway, it'll be a new story to write down in our little family history. Someday, one of the matriarchs who follow me will be in a situation almost, but not quite, as bad as this one, and be able to smile serenely and say something like 'Oh, well. We've lived through worse.' I enjoy being able to leave little gifts like that to my successors.
*end Flashback*
Sylia smiled serenely, with just a hint of wry. "Oh, well. We've lived through worse."
- then, a little later on, something very similar in tone, though different in most particulars, complete with its own flashback.
- then, a little later on, presented with yet another similar sort of situation
*Flashback...?*
*nope, nope, nope. Too much. end Flashback*
Sylia dropped her face into her hand, and shook her head ruefully.
"Never mind," she said. "We've lived through worse. Much worse, many times, in quick succession. Come on inside, and I'll do what I can to mend the situation."
--------------------
Okay, here's the plan. We're both of us going to go down into the cellar and check this out, and I'm going to be absolutely terrified because I think I might have seen some incarnation of purest evil down there. You're going to humor me, and we're going to go down there, and I'm going to be wrong. I'm going to be very, very wrong, because there isn't and never has been, and never will be a creature like that in our basement. We're going to go over the place twice just to be sure. And then I'm going to feel very relieved, and more than a little silly, and we're going to leave the basement that doesn't have anything unusual in it, and we're going to come back up here where it is warm and well-lit and safe, and I'm going to express to you in no uncertain terms exactly how appreciative and thankful I am for you being so supportive. Do you think you can handle this plan?
-----------------------
Her daddy loved her more than anything else in the whole wide world. He loved her more than he'd loved her mother, and more than he'd loved her sister, and now he surely loved her more than he loved that tramp who had flounced into his life, doubtless intent on dragging as much money out of him as she could with her feminine wiles. Daddy loved her more. She knew he did. Now she just had to make sure he knew it too.
-----------------------
"So, finally you have been cornered, Templar Geath, and you stand at my mercy. What say you now?"
"I say this, fiend. I accuse you. I accuse you of murder and dark sorceries and theft by threat of force. By the ancient compact of my order, I accuse you. What say you?"
"I say nothing. What is there to say? You have no power here. You have no Order to rescue you, you have no country to care about your accusations, and you have no sword with which to wield your magics."
"The Order stands so long as one man stands willing to live and die by its principles. The country stands so long as one man upholds its law. I still serve both. As for the sword? Everyone always thought it a joke when I told them, but a Templar does not lie."
Geath reached behind him, then, and there was a strange and unpleasant sucking sound. For the first time in over a decade, he slouched, then, and fell into a new posture, not a proud knight, but a backalley duellist of the Twisting Demon school. The blade that his hand came back with shone bright and sharp, and danced with Templar magic.
"I really did have a sword stuck up my ass."
and Geath struck.

"I declare this place anathema. I have slain its Lord for deeds of darkness, and determined, as is my duty, that that which has been wrought here is tainted beyond repair. All who repent of their association this place, leave now. You have until dawn. For the rest, know that with the coming of the morn comes the storm. The Keepers of the Blade cry out for Justice, and the dead of Faranthus cry out for vengeance. There will be no mercy, and there will be no restraint. All will fall. In accordance with the Compact of 517, you have been warned. Let none claim that they were caught unaware."
"The Compact of 517? What does that mean?"
"That means we're leaving. A Templar does not lie, and a Templar does not quote irrelevant law. It's in their precepts. We're leaving -now-."
Quoruk dragged a little behind. "but what does it *mean*?"
"It means that the people who are here come morning won't be coming back. The Compact of 517 was the one about the destruction of souls."
-------------------
"Matt? I don't see any other elves. Usually there are at least a few. Where are all the elves?"
"Elves don't exist on my world. Don't worry about it, though. remember what I told you, and you'll be fine."
It looked like he'd been right. Their appearance had drawn a bit of interest, but not much, and not of the unpleasant variety. Now she was actually talking to strangers, and the advice he had given her ran through her head.
"Act like it's not a big deal." he'd said. "When they ask, answer honestly, and don't worry about the response."
...but the girl in front of her was talking.
"What's up with the ear thing, anyway?"
"I'm an elf. My ears have always been this length."
The girl blinked and shrugged. "Okay. Whatever floats your boat."
and the conversation went on like it was no big deal.
----------------
Three days after I was born, at nightfall, the members of my new-minted cult skulked over a fortuitously placed hill near my uncle's fortified keep, and into a disguised pit of ravenous, carnivorous mice. My uncle is fond of carnivorous mice. None of them can eat much in any one bite, you see, so whoever falls in gets bitten a great many times before they pass on to the next world, and thus beyond one Jacob Peterson's power to harm. Uncle Jake doesn't much care for people that mess with his family.
That was only the first trap, though. If they had turned back at that point, they would have lost only the first three, and might still be around. Unfortunately for the cult in question, it had acquired a very persuasive high priest, and they were willing to walk through hell itself for my greater glory. I am told that my uncle cried tears of joy when he realized. I think it was shortly after the punji stakes.
-------------------
Just as they were pulling in, readying themselves to charge the tower, a giant crack formed down the entire west side. It clamshelled open, leaving an entire wall missing. Loudspeakers crackled to life all over the tower, bringing the sounds of a choir, singing amplified hymns with a techno backbeat.
Two bright lights blazed forth from within the darkness of the tower, and a voice spoke, resounding with tremendous force, echoing from the mountains and the valleys, as if the earth itself had something to say.
"I LIVE. I LIVE AGAIN! KNOW THE PRICE OF YOUR BETRAYAL."
Two companies of demonlings and the entire Black Brotherhood disintegrated in a spray of ichor, gore, and shattered bone. The Regent's demonguard, thrice-blooded Dukes, died before they could raise their weapons. The Prince of Thorns died before he even knew he was under attack. Silver flashed upon the battlefield, too quick to follow, and where it flashed, the Horde simply ceased to be. Kyrak siphoned power ruthlessly off of his followers and poured it into his augmentation spells, desperately trying to reach a point where he could at least see his enemy. Finally, the blur became visible, and as soon as it did, he drained them all dry, sacrificing the lot of them in an instant. Hellish corpses dropped, synchronized, to the ground. Finally, then, the flashing silver death saw him, and turned, and smiled. Kyrak snarled in defiance and readied himself to die gloriously as a warmech in the shape of the Allfather came to do battle with him, and the mountainside rang with hymns of exultation.
(This scene, incidentally, was the result from adding together a technomage who was an expert at cybernetically rebuilding shattered creatures of magic, the broken remnants of the Allfather, and an effectively unlimited budget.)
--------------
"I see. Permit me a moment to restate, that I might ensure that no confusion lies between us. I now walk the world, a horrific parody of my prior self, because... you... goofed?"
"Well, seeing as you're spectral, you sorta float, rather than --"
"But apart from that?"
"Well, yeah."
"And there exists no great and terrible threat to counter, no holy quest with which to cleanse my unholy existance."
"Well, no."

"Ummm...so you're stuck here for a while?"
"Aye. Eternally, or until utterly destroyed."
"Well, you may as well try to make the best of it then, right?"

"Uh...have you ever heard the blessed word of Eru Illuvitar?"