Hm...
I'm not familiar with the comic this was inspired by...but I think, that said, you did an incredible job of conveying the key points of Amelia's situation...and the mystical weirdness behind it...such that I didn't feel confused as an uninitiated reader. So, damn good work there.
The first-person narrative from the protagonist's point of view is fairly powerful, quite evocative, as is the third person bit following Amelia. So that's great. I liked that. Carried the emotion very, very well.
What I'm not sure about is the dialogue with Captain Keyes. It didn't sound all that natural to me. I think it was...particularly noticable since it's the only bit of extended dialogue in the story, an actual back-and-forth between a couple characters. I found the phrasing a little forced, a little stilted, a little artificial. I dunno, it just didn't flow in my head. Maybe it's the sentence structure, sentence length, punctuation or lack of apparent pauses in some bits...or something. I dunno. Can't precisely put my finger on it, but it didn't feel right.
That's just an opinion, of course.
But that's a relatively minor issue...with what was, otherwise, a damn cool piece. Kudos.
-- Acyl
I'm not familiar with the comic this was inspired by...but I think, that said, you did an incredible job of conveying the key points of Amelia's situation...and the mystical weirdness behind it...such that I didn't feel confused as an uninitiated reader. So, damn good work there.
The first-person narrative from the protagonist's point of view is fairly powerful, quite evocative, as is the third person bit following Amelia. So that's great. I liked that. Carried the emotion very, very well.
What I'm not sure about is the dialogue with Captain Keyes. It didn't sound all that natural to me. I think it was...particularly noticable since it's the only bit of extended dialogue in the story, an actual back-and-forth between a couple characters. I found the phrasing a little forced, a little stilted, a little artificial. I dunno, it just didn't flow in my head. Maybe it's the sentence structure, sentence length, punctuation or lack of apparent pauses in some bits...or something. I dunno. Can't precisely put my finger on it, but it didn't feel right.
That's just an opinion, of course.
But that's a relatively minor issue...with what was, otherwise, a damn cool piece. Kudos.
-- Acyl