Quote:I did have a bit of trouble with that because they're both in the service, they're both on duty, so to speak, and the times and trials they've had together has forged a friendship between them. As such, I feel that there is a fine line to be walked between casual conversation and military conduct here in this conversation.
What I'm not sure about is the dialogue with Captain Keyes. It didn't sound all that natural to me. I think it was...particularly noticable since it's the only bit of extended dialogue in the story, an actual back-and-forth between a couple characters. I found the phrasing a little forced, a little stilted, a little artificial. I dunno, it just didn't flow in my head. Maybe it's the sentence structure, sentence length, punctuation or lack of apparent pauses in some bits...or something. I dunno. Can't precisely put my finger on it, but it didn't feel right.
Of course, it'd be different if they were sitting down for a drink and going, "No shit, there I was..." But in this case, it's business so some degree of profesionalism is required - Captain Keye's outburst about Rhodes being a strange attractor not withstanding.
Thank you very much, as this is the first solid critical input I've had in a long time. If anyone here can make suggestions for the dialogue between Rhodes and Keyes, or anything else for that matter, I would be very grateful for their assistance.
Black Aeronaut Technologies Group, LLC
Aerospace Solutions for the discerning spacer
What!? Were you expecitng something witty?