I've tapped into my obsessive self here. Be aware that I, at times, have problems with *over*editing. I'm pretty sure I haven't hit that point yet, but I also probably shouldn't be permitted to touch any further iterations of this scene after this one. We're at the nit-hunting stage. If any of what I'm saying here doesn't seem right to you, then by all means ignore it.
-- "She was a beautiful little girl who could be no more than eight years old,"
This may be local variation, but the line sounds a little odd to me. I've always heart this as "who couldn't have been more than..."
-- "...who knew how many days under a harsh, unforgiving sun and bone-chilling nights."
This is a *very* small nit, but sentences like this flow a bit better if the parallel is cleaner. Maybe something more like "days under a harsh, unforgiving sun and nights spent cold and exposed." It's the days [foo] and nights [foo] rather than days [foo] and [foo] nights.
-- "And yet, a troubled expression darkened that face."
This is awkward and strange. The sentence isn't really well constructed. (As a general rule you shouldn't start sentences with And. It's not an absolute rule, but if you can come up with some way to say it well otherwise, you should use that instead.) Also, it seems to imply that her troubled expression is somehow strange. She's been dying of exposure on an oil derrick for days. The world is covered in water and everyone she's ever known is dead. Yes, having her face healed is a good thing, but it should be pretty obvious that it's not the end of her troubles.
-- "It was more than I could take, even now, as I write this account. Tears stung my eyes as I felt my heart break for this poor little orphan."
This is a really cool line. That instant of bending the rules and stepping momentarily out of the second-order narrative into the first really works. the execution needs a bit of help, though. First, "could take, even now" is a tense disagreement. As far as I can tell, "than I could take -- than I can take, even now" fixes this one while staying as close as possible to what you meant, though I won't swear by the cadence. The second problem I don't actually *have* an answer for but you might want to look into - once you've set up this parallel moment of powerful emotion both in the narrator and the narrative, the reader is going to expect a result on both sides. You mention what happens in the deeper narrative, but leave us hanging with respect to the results in the present. Also, do Manticors *have* tear ducts?
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Actually, I'm going to stop here. I can feel myself going ever closer to that deep, dark Editor From Hell place, and very soon would be more harm than help. I will say that at this point any fixes that still need to go in are going to be at that level - minor revisions in writing technique more than anything else.
Good luck.
-- "She was a beautiful little girl who could be no more than eight years old,"
This may be local variation, but the line sounds a little odd to me. I've always heart this as "who couldn't have been more than..."
-- "...who knew how many days under a harsh, unforgiving sun and bone-chilling nights."
This is a *very* small nit, but sentences like this flow a bit better if the parallel is cleaner. Maybe something more like "days under a harsh, unforgiving sun and nights spent cold and exposed." It's the days [foo] and nights [foo] rather than days [foo] and [foo] nights.
-- "And yet, a troubled expression darkened that face."
This is awkward and strange. The sentence isn't really well constructed. (As a general rule you shouldn't start sentences with And. It's not an absolute rule, but if you can come up with some way to say it well otherwise, you should use that instead.) Also, it seems to imply that her troubled expression is somehow strange. She's been dying of exposure on an oil derrick for days. The world is covered in water and everyone she's ever known is dead. Yes, having her face healed is a good thing, but it should be pretty obvious that it's not the end of her troubles.
-- "It was more than I could take, even now, as I write this account. Tears stung my eyes as I felt my heart break for this poor little orphan."
This is a really cool line. That instant of bending the rules and stepping momentarily out of the second-order narrative into the first really works. the execution needs a bit of help, though. First, "could take, even now" is a tense disagreement. As far as I can tell, "than I could take -- than I can take, even now" fixes this one while staying as close as possible to what you meant, though I won't swear by the cadence. The second problem I don't actually *have* an answer for but you might want to look into - once you've set up this parallel moment of powerful emotion both in the narrator and the narrative, the reader is going to expect a result on both sides. You mention what happens in the deeper narrative, but leave us hanging with respect to the results in the present. Also, do Manticors *have* tear ducts?
---------
Actually, I'm going to stop here. I can feel myself going ever closer to that deep, dark Editor From Hell place, and very soon would be more harm than help. I will say that at this point any fixes that still need to go in are going to be at that level - minor revisions in writing technique more than anything else.
Good luck.