Line-by-line comments first...
As for characterization, it also mostly works for me. They match pretty well the canon pre-bell test/Wave Country arc versions of themselves. The characters start to grow and change quite a bit rather quickly as things go on, but at this point of the story they're acting pretty much as I would expect.
Sasuke's actually attacking Sakura is probably the most questionable bit that I see, but given that he's the most changed from canon and that a convincing argument could be made that canon Sasuke would do it too, there's nothing to worry about there.
While I don't see there as being anything wrong with Naruto's actions in general, some of his lines might do with a little tweaking. The "I'M GONNA WIN! I'M GONNA WIN! I'm gonna beat you! I'm gonna beat you!" and the "Haven't a chance! Haven't a chance! I'll be victorious, I'M GONNA WIN!" in particular don't quite sound like him to me, though the sentiments are certainly him. I'll think on it and see if I can come up with some concrete suggestions for replacements.
Also, I still think the "Kabuto's a pervert" feels kind of weak and stretched. I'd find some other, more appropriate insult for Naruto to latch on to, but that's just my opinion.
I think that's about it for comments from me. Hope I said something useful in there.
Aaron Nowack
Aaron Nowack
Quote:Should be "All she had were the standard jutsu." I believe.
Sakura frowned faintly, somewhat apprehensive. Direct combat wasn't her forte. She didn't like to admit it, but she couldn't deny her own Academy grades. She had no special abilities, no bloodline or clan techniques. All she had was the standard jutsu. She could still win a battle, but only by outsmarting and outmaneuvering her opponent. This open field would severely restrict her options.
Quote:Hrm. Interesting that it's not a genjutsu. I'd think a genjutsu version would be more useful, since without some extra jutsubabble one would think an actual physical invisibility would also blind the user.
She didn't know what the jounin had done, but...no, it wasn't genjutsu. It felt like some kind of stealth technique, wrapping chakra around his body to make him invisible.
Quote:...huh. Wonder what the heck happened to trigger him getting the Sharingan earlier than in canon.
Sasuke's lip curled, his expression either grudging acknowledgement or annoyance. Sakura couldn't tell. Maybe both. But his eyes...
His eyes...
"Sharingan," Sasuke stated, with a ring of finality.
Quote:Also very interesting, assuming that her mother dying in this timeline is a result of one of the other changes you've made and not an independent change.
By now, Sakura was used to living alone. Ever since her mother died, she'd been left pretty much to herself.
Quote:Works for me.
Oh, and...does the title suck? >_o;
As for characterization, it also mostly works for me. They match pretty well the canon pre-bell test/Wave Country arc versions of themselves. The characters start to grow and change quite a bit rather quickly as things go on, but at this point of the story they're acting pretty much as I would expect.
Sasuke's actually attacking Sakura is probably the most questionable bit that I see, but given that he's the most changed from canon and that a convincing argument could be made that canon Sasuke would do it too, there's nothing to worry about there.
While I don't see there as being anything wrong with Naruto's actions in general, some of his lines might do with a little tweaking. The "I'M GONNA WIN! I'M GONNA WIN! I'm gonna beat you! I'm gonna beat you!" and the "Haven't a chance! Haven't a chance! I'll be victorious, I'M GONNA WIN!" in particular don't quite sound like him to me, though the sentiments are certainly him. I'll think on it and see if I can come up with some concrete suggestions for replacements.
Also, I still think the "Kabuto's a pervert" feels kind of weak and stretched. I'd find some other, more appropriate insult for Naruto to latch on to, but that's just my opinion.
Quote:I honestly think that's probably the canon on the matter, given the drastic reduction in Inner Sakura's appearances as the series goes on. (There's been, I think, only one appearance since the fight with Ino, and that was a fairly minor one.)
So I'm treating Sakura a lot more as an integrated whole - 'Inner' is just, y'know, the part of her that yells crap in the privacy of her own mind. The implication being that she's got a lot more aggression than she usually shows. I think that's a fair take.
I think that's about it for comments from me. Hope I said something useful in there.
Aaron Nowack
Aaron Nowack