A Mary Sue Alphabet
For Harry Potter
By Irony-Chan
A's for Amanda
Our hero's twin sister
Got lost as a baby
And gosh, how he missed her
He always suspected
He had a half lacking
He set off to find her
By magical tracking
So now they're together
And smiling a lot
Too bad that the story's
Got no trace of plot
-:-
B is for Bridget
Who's named for the author
She could have been subtle
But just didn't bother
Yet somehow I doubt
That the writer's a d-cup
Or sings like an angel
With nary a hiccup
Or doesn't need glasses
Or looks like a hottie
Or ever will earn
Her black belt in karate
-:-
C is for Clementine
Good on a broom
The fastest of flyers
Just look at her zoom!
The new school all-star
She aims like a dream
They haven't lost once yet
Since Clem made the team!
But the other side's jealous
And might not play fair
Will they cheat 'til she loses?
... does anyone care?
-:-
D's for Diana
Her story's a wreck!
With no sign of grammar
Or any spell-check
The readers sent email
To justly complain
But all of their efforts
Turned out to be vain
The author replied with:
"Who cares how it's written?
"It's only a fanfic!
"You're mean, and kick kittens!"
-:-
E is for Elwen
An elf in her glory!
Who seems unware
That she's in the wrong story
Like all of her people
She's comely and wise
The hardest heart melts
At her come-hither eyes
But how did she get here?
There aren't any clues
And the author won't tell
'Til she gets more reviews
-:-
F for Furiko
Who came from the East
Her father's a magical
Shrinekeeper priest
She brought her katana
And swings it with ease
And she'll say 'onegai'
Instead of just 'please'
Each chapter begins with
A guide to the phrases
And thanks the reviewers
For singing her praises
-:-
G is for Georgia
Likes watching TV
Replaying the movie
Upon DVD
'Til one day by magic
The screen opened wide
Before Georgia knew it
It sucked her inside!
Now she'll save the hero
By hook or by crook
She knows all the future
'Cause she's read the book
-:-
H starts the name
Of a girl called Heather
An element witch
Who can magic the weather
A sunshiny day
Means she's merry and glad
But thunder and snowstorms
Show up when she's mad
And should she be sleeping
And having strange dreams...
I suppose that might be why
It's raining sardines
-:-
I for Isolda
Who's nasty and mean
The worst evil sorceress
You've ever seen
The Dark Lord is naught but
Her grovelling bitch
No-one out-evils
This black little witch!
It runs in her family
Right down in her roots
But without a good beta
Her plots become ploots
-:-
J is for Janviere
Frozen and cold
A silent immortal
A thousand years old
Ever since she discovered
The Sorcerer's Stone
There have been none to love her
She wanders alone
Her tale is tragic
With no-one to tell
Where she hid the body
Of Nicolas Flamel
-:-
K is for Kimberly
Nothing but trouble
There's chaos a boiling
In her cauldron's bubble
The girl's a genius
Her pranks are the best!
But all of the teachers
They think she's a pest
Four times in a row
She's been kicked out of school
To let her in here
The headmaster's a fool
-:-
L for Lorraina
The heir to three thrones
She dresses in ballgowns
And wears precious stones
But deep in her heart
She's so royally lonely
She longs for a prince
To love her and her only
She wants to be treated
Like all other girls
Perhaps if she'd dump
The tiara and pearls
-:-
M is for Madysonne
Fresh from the states!
Like totally awesome
This chica, she rates!
She brought with her all of
Her favourite CD's
And might let you listen
If you just say please
She's spreading the music
As far as she can
And somehow I'm guessing
The author's a fan
-:-
N is for Naoko
In space she has dwelt
Her real name's Sailor
Asteroid Belt
A student by day
Vigilante by night
A short-skirted soldier
In crimson and white!
But what will she do when
Her secret's discovered?
Why, sex up the hero
And make him her lover!
-:-
O for Ophelia
The evil guy's daughter
Her life is so awful
Her tears flow like water
Her husband's been chosen
By father and mother
But her heart already
Belongs to another
Oh woe! And oh angst!
Yeah, it's piled on thick
And most of the readers
Are gonna be sick
-:-
P is for Paris
Just swimming in prose!
Her lips weren't pink only
They bloomed like a rose!
Like wheat in the sunshine
The gold of her hair
Her eyes, how they sparkled
As clear as the air!
Her skin was as white
As the robe of a saint
And it's that lack of iron
Keeps making her faint
-:-
Q is for Qing
She's the Chinese exchange
Her manners are foreign
Her habits are strange
She's odd and exotic
She dresses in silk
Eats rice for her breakfast
And never drinks milk
A stereotype walking
On feet bound up small
The author did clearly
No research at all
-:-
R for Rhiannon
Got brought up by a pack
Of wolves in the wild
One would think that she'd lack
For poise and good manners
But she's got 'em in spades
Perhaps that is how
Every she-wolf behaves
There's only one chapter
But quite clear to see
That poor helpless werewolf
Will get paired with she
-:-
S for Serena
Who changes her form
When she wants she can become
A white unicorn
Both tigers and eagles
Are shapes she can take
A big golden dragon
A small silver snake
A galloping mustang
A peacock of blue
The woman's a one-person
Portable zoo
-:-
T is for Tracey
The coolest of cool
Most popular chick
At her old wizard school
But here things are different
She's all but unseen
The others don't like her
And everyone's mean
It's all 'bout the in-crowd
And the reader infers
That in the end Trace
Will say vengeance is hers
-:-
U is for Umbra
Which isn't a name
But in the end really
There's worse stuff to blame:
Her surname is either
'MacKay' or 'MacBride'
The story says both
It can't seem to decide
That's about as much sense
As this fic ever makes
Especially since it lacks
Paragraph breaks
-:-
V for 'Virginia'
Who used to be canon
'Til one day along came
A writer named Shannon
Now Gin's into cutting
And punk-rocker bands
And writes poems 'bout the pain
That no-one understands
But her parents don't worry
To any degree
Because just like their daughter
They're both OOC
-:-
W stands for
One Wendover Sable
She started off Sue-some
Right out of the cradle
The poor foundling baby
Was given a home
By snobby, rich wizards
Brought her up like their own
And should any point out
That this ain't realistic
Just watch as the author
Goes fully ballistic
-:-
X is for Xanthe
Who isn't a Sue
Like any good character
She's got flaws, too
Her hair isn't curly!
Her nails she bites!
She's scared of the dark
When she turns out the lights!
So many things
That could get in the way...
But they'll never stop Xanthe
From saving the day
-:-
Y is for Yarrow
Who's better than teacher
At seeing tomorrow
In every small feature
In fact, she's so good
That she tutors the classes
And with her instructing
All students get passes
Yet when she predicts ruin
Woe is her - no one hears!
So much for the love
And respect of her peers
-:-
Z is for Zuli
Her name is Zuliekha
But she keeps it short 'cause
That's tough on the speaker
She sings and she dances!
She's mastered disguise!
She chit-chats with snakes!
She makes Julienne fries!
The reader is torn
Between laughter and gaping
Spoofs shouldn't be worse
Than the things that they're aping
For Harry Potter
By Irony-Chan
A's for Amanda
Our hero's twin sister
Got lost as a baby
And gosh, how he missed her
He always suspected
He had a half lacking
He set off to find her
By magical tracking
So now they're together
And smiling a lot
Too bad that the story's
Got no trace of plot
-:-
B is for Bridget
Who's named for the author
She could have been subtle
But just didn't bother
Yet somehow I doubt
That the writer's a d-cup
Or sings like an angel
With nary a hiccup
Or doesn't need glasses
Or looks like a hottie
Or ever will earn
Her black belt in karate
-:-
C is for Clementine
Good on a broom
The fastest of flyers
Just look at her zoom!
The new school all-star
She aims like a dream
They haven't lost once yet
Since Clem made the team!
But the other side's jealous
And might not play fair
Will they cheat 'til she loses?
... does anyone care?
-:-
D's for Diana
Her story's a wreck!
With no sign of grammar
Or any spell-check
The readers sent email
To justly complain
But all of their efforts
Turned out to be vain
The author replied with:
"Who cares how it's written?
"It's only a fanfic!
"You're mean, and kick kittens!"
-:-
E is for Elwen
An elf in her glory!
Who seems unware
That she's in the wrong story
Like all of her people
She's comely and wise
The hardest heart melts
At her come-hither eyes
But how did she get here?
There aren't any clues
And the author won't tell
'Til she gets more reviews
-:-
F for Furiko
Who came from the East
Her father's a magical
Shrinekeeper priest
She brought her katana
And swings it with ease
And she'll say 'onegai'
Instead of just 'please'
Each chapter begins with
A guide to the phrases
And thanks the reviewers
For singing her praises
-:-
G is for Georgia
Likes watching TV
Replaying the movie
Upon DVD
'Til one day by magic
The screen opened wide
Before Georgia knew it
It sucked her inside!
Now she'll save the hero
By hook or by crook
She knows all the future
'Cause she's read the book
-:-
H starts the name
Of a girl called Heather
An element witch
Who can magic the weather
A sunshiny day
Means she's merry and glad
But thunder and snowstorms
Show up when she's mad
And should she be sleeping
And having strange dreams...
I suppose that might be why
It's raining sardines
-:-
I for Isolda
Who's nasty and mean
The worst evil sorceress
You've ever seen
The Dark Lord is naught but
Her grovelling bitch
No-one out-evils
This black little witch!
It runs in her family
Right down in her roots
But without a good beta
Her plots become ploots
-:-
J is for Janviere
Frozen and cold
A silent immortal
A thousand years old
Ever since she discovered
The Sorcerer's Stone
There have been none to love her
She wanders alone
Her tale is tragic
With no-one to tell
Where she hid the body
Of Nicolas Flamel
-:-
K is for Kimberly
Nothing but trouble
There's chaos a boiling
In her cauldron's bubble
The girl's a genius
Her pranks are the best!
But all of the teachers
They think she's a pest
Four times in a row
She's been kicked out of school
To let her in here
The headmaster's a fool
-:-
L for Lorraina
The heir to three thrones
She dresses in ballgowns
And wears precious stones
But deep in her heart
She's so royally lonely
She longs for a prince
To love her and her only
She wants to be treated
Like all other girls
Perhaps if she'd dump
The tiara and pearls
-:-
M is for Madysonne
Fresh from the states!
Like totally awesome
This chica, she rates!
She brought with her all of
Her favourite CD's
And might let you listen
If you just say please
She's spreading the music
As far as she can
And somehow I'm guessing
The author's a fan
-:-
N is for Naoko
In space she has dwelt
Her real name's Sailor
Asteroid Belt
A student by day
Vigilante by night
A short-skirted soldier
In crimson and white!
But what will she do when
Her secret's discovered?
Why, sex up the hero
And make him her lover!
-:-
O for Ophelia
The evil guy's daughter
Her life is so awful
Her tears flow like water
Her husband's been chosen
By father and mother
But her heart already
Belongs to another
Oh woe! And oh angst!
Yeah, it's piled on thick
And most of the readers
Are gonna be sick
-:-
P is for Paris
Just swimming in prose!
Her lips weren't pink only
They bloomed like a rose!
Like wheat in the sunshine
The gold of her hair
Her eyes, how they sparkled
As clear as the air!
Her skin was as white
As the robe of a saint
And it's that lack of iron
Keeps making her faint
-:-
Q is for Qing
She's the Chinese exchange
Her manners are foreign
Her habits are strange
She's odd and exotic
She dresses in silk
Eats rice for her breakfast
And never drinks milk
A stereotype walking
On feet bound up small
The author did clearly
No research at all
-:-
R for Rhiannon
Got brought up by a pack
Of wolves in the wild
One would think that she'd lack
For poise and good manners
But she's got 'em in spades
Perhaps that is how
Every she-wolf behaves
There's only one chapter
But quite clear to see
That poor helpless werewolf
Will get paired with she
-:-
S for Serena
Who changes her form
When she wants she can become
A white unicorn
Both tigers and eagles
Are shapes she can take
A big golden dragon
A small silver snake
A galloping mustang
A peacock of blue
The woman's a one-person
Portable zoo
-:-
T is for Tracey
The coolest of cool
Most popular chick
At her old wizard school
But here things are different
She's all but unseen
The others don't like her
And everyone's mean
It's all 'bout the in-crowd
And the reader infers
That in the end Trace
Will say vengeance is hers
-:-
U is for Umbra
Which isn't a name
But in the end really
There's worse stuff to blame:
Her surname is either
'MacKay' or 'MacBride'
The story says both
It can't seem to decide
That's about as much sense
As this fic ever makes
Especially since it lacks
Paragraph breaks
-:-
V for 'Virginia'
Who used to be canon
'Til one day along came
A writer named Shannon
Now Gin's into cutting
And punk-rocker bands
And writes poems 'bout the pain
That no-one understands
But her parents don't worry
To any degree
Because just like their daughter
They're both OOC
-:-
W stands for
One Wendover Sable
She started off Sue-some
Right out of the cradle
The poor foundling baby
Was given a home
By snobby, rich wizards
Brought her up like their own
And should any point out
That this ain't realistic
Just watch as the author
Goes fully ballistic
-:-
X is for Xanthe
Who isn't a Sue
Like any good character
She's got flaws, too
Her hair isn't curly!
Her nails she bites!
She's scared of the dark
When she turns out the lights!
So many things
That could get in the way...
But they'll never stop Xanthe
From saving the day
-:-
Y is for Yarrow
Who's better than teacher
At seeing tomorrow
In every small feature
In fact, she's so good
That she tutors the classes
And with her instructing
All students get passes
Yet when she predicts ruin
Woe is her - no one hears!
So much for the love
And respect of her peers
-:-
Z is for Zuli
Her name is Zuliekha
But she keeps it short 'cause
That's tough on the speaker
She sings and she dances!
She's mastered disguise!
She chit-chats with snakes!
She makes Julienne fries!
The reader is torn
Between laughter and gaping
Spoofs shouldn't be worse
Than the things that they're aping