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My first attempt of IST fanfic
Re: My first attempt of IST fanfic
#5
Okay, since you asked for it - and bearing ion mind that soem of these are just rephrasings for clarity, rather than being particularly "wrong" per se, so feel free to excercise judgement on whether to take the suggestions or not -
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No one asked for it, but I post here the first part of my IST fanfic, and lay my neck waiting the axe of Your stern but just judgement.
no capital for "your"
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eye-hand coordination and aim are perfect. He shaves with electric razor.
"with an electric razor"
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there as in some sort of unholy pilgrimage. Franco Castelli, code named Rocambole, had always dreamed to participate such an event, but now, at the beginning of the first wild, hot, alcoholic night, he was willing to gladly give away one of his incredibly powerful kidneys in order to get elsewhere.
"participate in such"
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IST Miami had decided to monitor the festivities more closely, to avoid problems caused by young and drunk metas. Strangely enough, the booze industries that sponsored the Break had not been enthusiasts at the idea of having a battalion of UN Powered Infantry as special guests of their beach parties. So the HQ had decided to collect from across the country the youngest operatives, and send them undercover on the beach to keep things under control.
"enthusiasts about" would be technically correct, but "enthusiastic about" flows better
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*Given the circumstances, the meaning of under control is highly questionable* Thought Franco while a bunch of fratboys passed in front of him, singing loud and making roll barrels of beer.
"singing loudly and rolling kegs of beer" (barrel could, again, be technically correct, but keg is common usage specifically for barrels containing beer)
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The guy with purple hair has drug in his pocket. Said casually the young Korean sitting besides him.
"The guy with purple hair has drugs in his pocket," the young Korean sitting beside him said casually. (I've noticed you're capitalising the first word of the descriptor after a quote - "Said" in this case - which isn't neccessary. Not ethat I'm assuming you don't mean for this character's english to be intentionally a bit off, as could be the case)
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Franco abandoned briefly his grim line of thought, and gave a look at the subject of Gazes indication.
"breifly abandoned"
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I think its better not to blow up our cover for a joint.
Nothing technically wrong, but normally one wouldn't include the "up" in there.
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with a serpentine theme of Chinese dragons, he still managed to retain his professional attitude. Thought, it was probably due to his omnipresent shades. Rocambole couldnt remember of having ever saw him without them on.
I'm not quite sure what you meant here, actually - if it was to indicate a suddent thought that came to Rocambole, then you'd eed "Rocambole thought, it was..." and can drop his codename fromt eh next sentence. It could also be a simple typo for "Though" as well, which amounts to almost the same thing.
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I take a Cola. Three ice cubes, no lemon, thanks.
"I'll take"
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until Gaze handed him his Coke. In it there were two ices and a slice of lemon. Franco briefly considered the option of grabbing the bartender by the ankles and using his body to demolish the place, then settled down on no tip.
"Settled for not leaving a tip"
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over the tables and rushed at the boy. Notwithstanding the sand, he reached him in a matter of seconds.
"Despite the poor footing offered by sand,"
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Using the pieces of towel to protect his hands Franco catched his target by the hips, and without slowing down carried his screaming and panicked load in the sea.
"Franco caught his target" or "grabbed his target"
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A column of steam rose from the water as Rocambole dropped in the burning boy, but the flames went off.
"dropped the burning boy in, but the flames went out."
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Are you okay? Arent you hurt or something? Franco grabbed the guys shoulders, and shook him, but apparently the discovery of his metahuman powers had triggered a religious awakening in the boy, since the only thing he was able to say was an unending thread of ohmygodmygodmygodmygod.
"You're not hurt or anything?" - also, no puntuation trailing the quotation mark.
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Cant you understasnd what Im saying? You have to calm down! The fire will stop if you calm down! Finally the guy seemed to compose himself a bit, even if he didnt stopped shaking.
"even if he didn't stop shaking"
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Then he fainted, and Franco had to keep his head out of the water, while taking him back on the shore.[/quoteYou probably don't need the comma between water and while
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The young metahuman had lost consciousness for the shock, but he didnt seemed otherwise hurt, even if it wasnt easy to tell, whit the molten remains of his polyester shirt stuck all over his

"consciousness from the shock" - also, "with" not "whit," though I probably make that typo myself fairly often
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Franco deposed the boy on the sand, and started to check him, but was interrupted by two slightly hysterical girls.
"deposited" - "deposed" would be if the boy had some official position and he took it over
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How can it be under control? Marty was on fire!
Well, he isnt no more, isnt he? Retorted sharply Franco, regretting it a second after.
"isn't any more, is he?" or "isn't now, is he?" "Franco retorted sharply."
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Did he took any drugs? Plied the Korean, getting closer to the two. [/qutoe]"Did he take any drugs?"
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Allow me to explain you the situation, miss. Said coldly Gaze, staring

Gaze said, coldly
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Your friend here has just exhibited metahuman faculties, and will undergo a medical treatment. Until he would be able to control his power he will be treated whit firekillers. This compounds, if assumed under any narcotic, are likely to cause a cardiovascular breakdown. If hes on drugs, he will die.
"will need to undergo," "until he can control" or "until he is able to control," again with "whit," "These compounds, if administered to someone under"
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Franco couldnt help but staring at his colleague, admiring the way he was quietly terrorizing the two poor girls. Im going to ask you one more time, ladies. Is your friend under any drug?
"couldn't help but stare," "Is your freind on any drugs?"
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He smoked some pot after dinner. Finally answered the one girl, staring her feet in shame.
One of the girls finally answered,"
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With the man on fire. You handled well the situation.
"You handled the situation well."
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Did you worked in Police?
"You worked for the Police?" - I'm not sure whether police should be capitalized here or not - not usually unless you're referring to specific group, like "AD Police" so it's part of the name. In this instance, lower case is probably indicated.
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And why did you left?
"Why did you leave?" or "So why did you leave?"
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I was not satisfied of my job. Cut short the Korean, returning to look at the beach.
"satisfied with my job" ... and I'm not sure quite how to put the descriptor afterwards... maybe end with a period at "job" then : The Korean cut himself off, and looked back out at the beach.
And now I have to go - I'll either hit the rest later, or someone else surely will.
- CDSERVO: Loook *deeeeply* into my eyes... Tell me, what do you see?
CROW: (hypnotized) A twisted man who wants to inflict his pain upon others.
A kung-fu nun in a leather thong was no less extreme than anything else he had seen that day. - Rev. Dark's IST: Holy Sea World
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows
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Messages In This Thread
My first attempt of IST fanfic - by Luca Nicolai - 05-24-2006, 06:59 PM
Correct me, please! - by Luca Nicolai - 05-25-2006, 03:08 PM
Re: My first attempt of IST fanfic - by ClassicDrogn - 05-25-2006, 09:17 PM
Re: My first attempt of IST fanfic - by Ebony - 05-25-2006, 10:35 PM
Thanks, teachs. - by Luca Nicolai - 05-26-2006, 11:53 AM
Re: Thanks, teachs. - by CattyNebulart - 05-26-2006, 04:17 PM
Story - by Rev Dark - 05-26-2006, 08:50 PM
Re: Story - by Deadpan29 - 05-26-2006, 09:58 PM
Re: Story - by Luca Nicolai - 05-26-2006, 11:28 PM

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