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[Everyone files into the theater.]
BELLDANDY: So we sit here?
MIKE: That's right.
[Belldandy sits next to Mike on the left.]
>From: u58563@uic.edu
TOM: Heh, check this guy out. I am not a man, I am a free number!
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams,alt.conspiracy
>Subject: Re: Anti-counterfitting or Big Brother?
CROW: [Minnewegian voice] Ooo, I dunno, they both look so tasty!
BELLDANDY: And riff the post, like that?
MIKE: Pretty much.
>Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 22:51:07 -0500
>Organization: University of Illinois at Chicago
>Lines: 56
>Message-ID:
>References:
MIKE: Al Face? I went to high school with Al Face!
>NNTP-Posting-Host: e046.gene.uic.edu
>
>        I don't buy the "counterfeiting strip magnetic resonance"
stuff.
CROW: I much prefer the "black helicopter foaming nut" stuff.
>        HOWEVER, all you "nice normal people" better THINK before you walk into a "cashless society" trap!
BELLDANDY: [enchanted] Look at all the lovely punctuation!
>        What could be done with the information about your bag of Doritos?
TOM: Ooh, make a paper airplane, or an origami swan, or a butterfly...
>        Well... 1) Government agencies tracking down fugitives or illegal immigrants or illegal emigrants or people who try to acquire a new identity to avoid punitive legal restrictions, etc.
MIKE: Wouldn't want law enforcement agencies tracking down
criminals. You never know where that could lead.
>         could compile a "fingerprint" of your purchases.
TOM: It'll never work. They'll end up sitting in their offices until 3 AM trying to figure out where they left out a semicolon. Heh, because you see, "compile," and...
>        Do you like Doritos or Cheeze Curls?
CROW: Cheese curls!
MIKE: Doritos!
CROW: Uh, Door #2!
TOM: The box! What's in the box?!
BELLDANDY: My goodness, you do get into this, don't you?
MIKE: Hey, it passes the time.
> Do you eat eggplant, liver, onions?
MIKE: [rapid-fire] What is the location of the secret rebel base?
TOM: [rapid-fire] What's the frequency, Kenneth?
CROW: [rapid-fire] Why did you resign?
>        What breakfast cereal, what laundry detergent?
BELLDANDY: [triumphantly] This is not my beautiful house!
CROW: Ooh, she shoots, she scores!
>        Before long, you establish a single, measurable identity far more unique than a fingerprint. I ask you,
MIKE: [as John McLaughlin] -- Morton Kondracke!
TOM: Uh, what was the question?
MIKE: WRONG!
>        WHY do some supermarket chains give you a discount if you present a "Preferred Customer" card at your purchase? Do you know where that information is going NOW?
CROW: [as Dana Scully] Mulder, I ran that "Preferred Customer" card you got at Superfresh through a scanner, and the machine went crazy -- what is this thing? I -- *crash* MULDER!!
>        [ObCecilAdams: where DOES that info go?]
MIKE: Into delicious, chewy Pepperidge Farm cookies! Mmm-mmm, good!
>        2) Socialist health care is a standard in much of the world. If you overeat, it costs the government money. If you don't get your vitamins, it costs the government money. Clearly some
inventive bastard
CROW: *Gasp*! Dr. Clayton Forrester!
>        will wait about 2.3 seconds after cash is abolished, then propose a Caloric Tax. Everything you buy that is edible
TOM: Phew. They won't be taxing my Twinkie purchases.
BELLDANDY: Or my sister Urd's cooking.
CROW: Say, you have a sister?
BELLDANDY: [gently] Crow, don't get your hopes up.
>        will be indexed for healthiness, and the Social Cost of your actions will be appended to your bill.
MIKE: And we all know how painful that can be.
TOM: Next time on "Cops": a madman is holed up in an apartment with ten hostages and a full bag of membership warehouse popcorn...
>        This has the further advantage of spotting Undeclared Persons, if they want to eat,
TOM: [as interviewer] And do you have a special diet, Mr. Tirebiter?
CROW: [as old man] I don't eat.
TOM: You don't eat?
CROW: But it hasn't affected my appetite!
>        since anomalous calorie usage will show up on the computers. And if you want to drink some beer.... ! ... God help you!!!
BELLDANDY: [brightly] Yes?
MIKE: I think he was speaking metaphorically.
TOM: Heh. 24-hour police surveillance doesn't faze this guy, but take away his beer...
>        They'll have you rationed yet; you'll probably have to return the empties to prove that you are having a healthy single beer after dinner instead of a destructive "binge". (they'll call it "recycling" at first?)
CROW: You tell us! You're the writer...
>        3) Imagine the benefits in forensics.
TOM: Just imagine! Yes, 3M innovation can bring to you --
>        WHO dared to deface the anti-tobacco billboard?
MIKE: Suddenly this is a Dr. Seuss story!
TOM: It was the net.loon, in the conservatory, with the lead pipe.
CROW: Ah, I'd just like to point out here that this allegedly individualist poster is actively taking the side of huge, evil multinational corporations that sell addictive drugs. Thank you.
>        Well, who bought gasoline within the radius, or used public transportation, and has purchased red spray paint from company X
MIKE: At last, a company for our generation.
>        (they'll have a way to figure out which!). Now restrict that those wearing shoes with the registered shoe-prints of whatever U.S. distributor...
CROW: [as policeman] Now touch your fingertips together at arm's length... Now breathe into this tube. All right, sir, you can go. Drive safely, now.
>        before long you have your terrorist!
TOM: Yep! You've got him! Easy as pie! Er, you're not buying this, are you.
>        Sentence him to a lifetime of electronic monitoring and restriction of civil liberties, with cell-phone real-time bugging built in,
MIKE: They're going to put him on jury duty? Those fiends!
>        and see how much revolution he can plot!
TOM: Bet he could plot a heck of an episode of "Star Trek: Voyager", though.
>        4) Complete surveillance provides a far higher quality of feedback to the controllers of a society. A media campaign for Colon Powell
[All snicker.]
CROW: Sounds like a new type of laxative. "Gentle, soothing Colon Powell..."
MIKE: [putting a hand on his shoulder] Okay, that's enough.
>        can be measured precisely, in terms of copies of newspapers sold, decreases in donations to other candidates (it isn't just THEIR business anymore),
CROW: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
TOM: It's not just for conspiracy wackos anymore.
>        copies of his book sold (where, when?).
TOM: Mr. Vice President! Somebody finally bought a copy of your book!
>        Conversely, if a particular community has a problem;
MIKE: Hello. I'm Andover, Massachusetts, and... I have a problem.
ALL: Hello, Andover.
>        if it has an unusual high rate of sale of Noam Chomsky volumes, for instance, the persons making those purchases can be examined in detail.
TOM: By employees of the Federal Department of We Had Nothing Better to Do That Sunday Afternoon.
>        What do they have in common -- do they watch a particular program on cable with a hidden subversive agenda?
CROW: [brightly] Oh, you mean like the "Mystery Sci" -- uh... oh.
ALL: [ahem, cough, clear throats, etc.]
>        Do they make contacts on Internet that somehow have not been busted with convenient laws
CROW: The Law...
TOM: The LAW!
>        about pornography, advocating drug legalization, giving usable recipes for potentially destructive or abusable products? Although this sounds vague --- it is vague ---
TOM: [nudging Belldandy] Go ahead. Say it.
BELLDANDY: Okay. Um... I suppose it's nice that there's finally a verifiable fact in this post.
MIKE: You know, you've been pretty quiet so far, Belldandy.
BELLDANDY: Well, if I can't say anything good about someone I try not to say anything at all. Is that wrong?
>        I rather suspect that this last provision
CROW: Provision of what?
TOM: I think we left the antecedent at the station about ten miles back.
>        will turn out to be the most devastating of all, because in the end intelligence is the most crucial part of the battle.
MIKE: Heh.
>        === Long live the revolution! ===
MIKE: [thoughtfully] Isn't that actually the problem with most revolutions?
CROW: Uh, I'd love to stay and chew the dialectic with you, Mike, but we gotta go.
[Exeunt.]
... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *... -Logan
-----------------
"Because Science DEMANDS it!!"
-----------------
>Path: psuvm!news.cuny.edu!news.sprintlink.net!metro.atlanta.com!
>spcuna!uunet!in2.uu.net!ftpbox!newsfeed.acns.nwu.edu!news.cc.uic
.edu!
>e046.gene.uic.edu!user
[Everyone files into the theater.]
BELLDANDY: So we sit here?
MIKE: That's right.
[Belldandy sits next to Mike on the left.]
>From: u58563@uic.edu
TOM: Heh, check this guy out. I am not a man, I am a free number!
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams,alt.conspiracy
>Subject: Re: Anti-counterfitting or Big Brother?
CROW: [Minnewegian voice] Ooo, I dunno, they both look so tasty!
BELLDANDY: And riff the post, like that?
MIKE: Pretty much.
>Date: Wed, 27 Sep 1995 22:51:07 -0500
>Organization: University of Illinois at Chicago
>Lines: 56
>Message-ID:
>References:
MIKE: Al Face? I went to high school with Al Face!
>NNTP-Posting-Host: e046.gene.uic.edu
>
>        I don't buy the "counterfeiting strip magnetic resonance"
stuff.
CROW: I much prefer the "black helicopter foaming nut" stuff.
>        HOWEVER, all you "nice normal people" better THINK before you walk into a "cashless society" trap!
BELLDANDY: [enchanted] Look at all the lovely punctuation!
>        What could be done with the information about your bag of Doritos?
TOM: Ooh, make a paper airplane, or an origami swan, or a butterfly...
>        Well... 1) Government agencies tracking down fugitives or illegal immigrants or illegal emigrants or people who try to acquire a new identity to avoid punitive legal restrictions, etc.
MIKE: Wouldn't want law enforcement agencies tracking down
criminals. You never know where that could lead.
>         could compile a "fingerprint" of your purchases.
TOM: It'll never work. They'll end up sitting in their offices until 3 AM trying to figure out where they left out a semicolon. Heh, because you see, "compile," and...
>        Do you like Doritos or Cheeze Curls?
CROW: Cheese curls!
MIKE: Doritos!
CROW: Uh, Door #2!
TOM: The box! What's in the box?!
BELLDANDY: My goodness, you do get into this, don't you?
MIKE: Hey, it passes the time.
> Do you eat eggplant, liver, onions?
MIKE: [rapid-fire] What is the location of the secret rebel base?
TOM: [rapid-fire] What's the frequency, Kenneth?
CROW: [rapid-fire] Why did you resign?
>        What breakfast cereal, what laundry detergent?
BELLDANDY: [triumphantly] This is not my beautiful house!
CROW: Ooh, she shoots, she scores!
>        Before long, you establish a single, measurable identity far more unique than a fingerprint. I ask you,
MIKE: [as John McLaughlin] -- Morton Kondracke!
TOM: Uh, what was the question?
MIKE: WRONG!
>        WHY do some supermarket chains give you a discount if you present a "Preferred Customer" card at your purchase? Do you know where that information is going NOW?
CROW: [as Dana Scully] Mulder, I ran that "Preferred Customer" card you got at Superfresh through a scanner, and the machine went crazy -- what is this thing? I -- *crash* MULDER!!
>        [ObCecilAdams: where DOES that info go?]
MIKE: Into delicious, chewy Pepperidge Farm cookies! Mmm-mmm, good!
>        2) Socialist health care is a standard in much of the world. If you overeat, it costs the government money. If you don't get your vitamins, it costs the government money. Clearly some
inventive bastard
CROW: *Gasp*! Dr. Clayton Forrester!
>        will wait about 2.3 seconds after cash is abolished, then propose a Caloric Tax. Everything you buy that is edible
TOM: Phew. They won't be taxing my Twinkie purchases.
BELLDANDY: Or my sister Urd's cooking.
CROW: Say, you have a sister?
BELLDANDY: [gently] Crow, don't get your hopes up.
>        will be indexed for healthiness, and the Social Cost of your actions will be appended to your bill.
MIKE: And we all know how painful that can be.
TOM: Next time on "Cops": a madman is holed up in an apartment with ten hostages and a full bag of membership warehouse popcorn...
>        This has the further advantage of spotting Undeclared Persons, if they want to eat,
TOM: [as interviewer] And do you have a special diet, Mr. Tirebiter?
CROW: [as old man] I don't eat.
TOM: You don't eat?
CROW: But it hasn't affected my appetite!
>        since anomalous calorie usage will show up on the computers. And if you want to drink some beer.... ! ... God help you!!!
BELLDANDY: [brightly] Yes?
MIKE: I think he was speaking metaphorically.
TOM: Heh. 24-hour police surveillance doesn't faze this guy, but take away his beer...
>        They'll have you rationed yet; you'll probably have to return the empties to prove that you are having a healthy single beer after dinner instead of a destructive "binge". (they'll call it "recycling" at first?)
CROW: You tell us! You're the writer...
>        3) Imagine the benefits in forensics.
TOM: Just imagine! Yes, 3M innovation can bring to you --
>        WHO dared to deface the anti-tobacco billboard?
MIKE: Suddenly this is a Dr. Seuss story!
TOM: It was the net.loon, in the conservatory, with the lead pipe.
CROW: Ah, I'd just like to point out here that this allegedly individualist poster is actively taking the side of huge, evil multinational corporations that sell addictive drugs. Thank you.
>        Well, who bought gasoline within the radius, or used public transportation, and has purchased red spray paint from company X
MIKE: At last, a company for our generation.
>        (they'll have a way to figure out which!). Now restrict that those wearing shoes with the registered shoe-prints of whatever U.S. distributor...
CROW: [as policeman] Now touch your fingertips together at arm's length... Now breathe into this tube. All right, sir, you can go. Drive safely, now.
>        before long you have your terrorist!
TOM: Yep! You've got him! Easy as pie! Er, you're not buying this, are you.
>        Sentence him to a lifetime of electronic monitoring and restriction of civil liberties, with cell-phone real-time bugging built in,
MIKE: They're going to put him on jury duty? Those fiends!
>        and see how much revolution he can plot!
TOM: Bet he could plot a heck of an episode of "Star Trek: Voyager", though.
>        4) Complete surveillance provides a far higher quality of feedback to the controllers of a society. A media campaign for Colon Powell
[All snicker.]
CROW: Sounds like a new type of laxative. "Gentle, soothing Colon Powell..."
MIKE: [putting a hand on his shoulder] Okay, that's enough.
>        can be measured precisely, in terms of copies of newspapers sold, decreases in donations to other candidates (it isn't just THEIR business anymore),
CROW: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
TOM: It's not just for conspiracy wackos anymore.
>        copies of his book sold (where, when?).
TOM: Mr. Vice President! Somebody finally bought a copy of your book!
>        Conversely, if a particular community has a problem;
MIKE: Hello. I'm Andover, Massachusetts, and... I have a problem.
ALL: Hello, Andover.
>        if it has an unusual high rate of sale of Noam Chomsky volumes, for instance, the persons making those purchases can be examined in detail.
TOM: By employees of the Federal Department of We Had Nothing Better to Do That Sunday Afternoon.
>        What do they have in common -- do they watch a particular program on cable with a hidden subversive agenda?
CROW: [brightly] Oh, you mean like the "Mystery Sci" -- uh... oh.
ALL: [ahem, cough, clear throats, etc.]
>        Do they make contacts on Internet that somehow have not been busted with convenient laws
CROW: The Law...
TOM: The LAW!
>        about pornography, advocating drug legalization, giving usable recipes for potentially destructive or abusable products? Although this sounds vague --- it is vague ---
TOM: [nudging Belldandy] Go ahead. Say it.
BELLDANDY: Okay. Um... I suppose it's nice that there's finally a verifiable fact in this post.
MIKE: You know, you've been pretty quiet so far, Belldandy.
BELLDANDY: Well, if I can't say anything good about someone I try not to say anything at all. Is that wrong?
>        I rather suspect that this last provision
CROW: Provision of what?
TOM: I think we left the antecedent at the station about ten miles back.
>        will turn out to be the most devastating of all, because in the end intelligence is the most crucial part of the battle.
MIKE: Heh.
>        === Long live the revolution! ===
MIKE: [thoughtfully] Isn't that actually the problem with most revolutions?
CROW: Uh, I'd love to stay and chew the dialectic with you, Mike, but we gotta go.
[Exeunt.]
... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... *... -Logan
-----------------
"Because Science DEMANDS it!!"
-----------------