Once again, want to take time out to thank Mark Sachs, wherever he is, for this fine bit of hilarity.
====================
... *... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
[All four enter the theater. Belldandy is carrying Tom.]
MIKE: Er, I can carry him.
BELLDANDY: Oh, it's no trouble! [She sets Tom down and sits next to Mike again.] There you go.
TOM: [still dazed] Such flavor...
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.stories
BELLDANDY: How strange.
MIKE: Hmm?
BELLDANDY: I just felt the fall of a very small, but definitely unlucky star.
>Path:
psuvm!news.cac.psu.edu!news.tc.cornell.edu!travelers.mail.cornell
.edu!
>news.kei.com!
CROW: [as fanboy] They're death in high heels! Armageddon in a teeny-weeny bikini!
TOM: [as fanboy] Screw you, pal! Lovely Angels rule!
>newshost.marcam.com!
MIKE: Is that still up, after the plague and all?
>usc!howland.reston.ans.net!
>tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!in1.uu.net!world!megazone
>From: Presley Cannady
CROW: Dear National Enquirer: Elvis is alive! He has a Compuserve account and he lives in Canada!
>Subject: [Preview] "Robotech: TOE A-I Book 2" [FanFic]
TOM: "Robotech: Artificially Intelligent Toes"!
CROW: Hey, I liked "Robotech"!
>Message-ID:
>Followup-To: poster
MIKE: So after the fanfic is over we get to wind up and post the author! All right!
>X-World-Archive:
TOM: A whole new universe from Marvel Comics. Coming soon.
> Robotech/robotech.odysseus-epic.book-2.gz
>Sender: megazone@world.std.com (MegaZone)
>Organization: Robotech Development Group, North Eastern America
TOM: Scotty, don't you ever mention that show again -- or I'll stab you to death with my chin.
MIKE: [doubletake] Wow, that's obscure.
>Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 07:44:30 GMT
>Approved: megazone@world.std.com
>Lines: 407
BELLDANDY: Oh, my.
>
>        And a preview of Book II: The Bending of Rules --
>
>        "Robotech III: The Odysseus Epic"
>        by Presley H. Cannady and others
CROW: Don't step on my blue suede Veritechs.
>76725.1245@compuserve.com
>
>        Act I - Superdimensional Starforce Orion
TOM: [alien voice] Star Force? We do not consider the Star Force to be a threat.
>        Book II - The Bending of Rules
>________________________________________________________________
>
>The New Era Sagas and all therein are copyright 1995@ Presley H.
>Cannady.
CROW: [singing] You ain't nothin' but an Invid dog, a-frying troops of mine...
MIKE: I think that's enough Elvis jokes for now.
> All rights reserved. Any profit-intended publication of this novel without authorization of the author or current copyright holders is strictly prohibited.
MIKE: [bemused] They always say that.
BELLDANDY: Well, hope springs eternal!
>
>Copyright 1995@ Anime/Macross/Robotech Development Group
>Copyright 1985@ Harmony Gold
TOM: If these are E-mail addresses, they're pretty badly formed.
>Copyright 1982@ Tatsunoko Productions
>Copyright 1982@ Studio Nue
CROW: It took five people to copyright this fanfic.
>________________________________________________________________
>
>        This story is the largest part of my New Era interpretation.
TOM: Uh-oh.
MIKE: Threats will get you nowhere, Presley! We can't be cowed that easily!
>        My theories conclude that there are many Robotech universes:
CROW: [maniacally] And we can get from ONE to the NEXT by using JUMBO COSMOSPHERES!
>        Aubry Thonon and Peter Walker's Pretoxican universe, Macek's original design, and now, my Tkon universe.
>__________________________________________________________
MIKE: I hate these Netscapisms. People should just use
. I mean, it's in the standard, after all.
TOM: Yeah, sure, Mike. Whatever.
>
>* * *
>
>        EPISODE V: Skyward Again
CROW: How far into this fanfic are we, anyway? I'm ready for a break.
BELLDANDY: I don't think it's started yet.
CROW: Oh.
>        Chapter X-
MIKE: Slackers Go To War.
TOM: [importantly] This fanfic is rated X the Unknown. Absolutely no one admitted, mitted, mitted...
>        We ride into battle on our steeds of war. Soaring higher and higher to the peak of perfection. To defend, to uphold
CROW: Hey, this is the opening montage from "Reboot!"
TOM: Let the Mads overwhelm us with a fanfic? I don't think so.
>        and to observe the individual right of freedom and peace.
CROW: And now it's "Babylon 5"!
>        -Mongol Squadron Motto, circa 2078
>
> They enticed as the maids of Samarkand, and brought barbarianistic
MIKE: When this guy uses suffixes, he doesn't mess around!
>        passion to the order and peace of the Halls of Peking.
TOM: Peking is Peiping.
>        From North to South, from Manchuria to Laos,
BELLDANDY: From Satchel to Page?
>        they left their mark on all. They were the Mongolians, Riders, Warriors, Beautiful.
TOM: Oh, right, except for the innocent civilians they trod underfoot as they hacked their bloody way across medieval Asia. We're not in for 407 lines of glorification of war, are we, Mike?
MIKE: Well --
TOM: Because if we are, I could just go and read that Tom Clancy novel the Mads sent us.
BELLDANDY: [alarmed] No, Tom! You have too much to live for!
>        -adapted from The Tartars and the Yuan, an epic by Sir Aaron Toland,
CROW: [sarcastic] Oh, an epic by Sir Aaron Toland.
>        Worcestor 1998, used as a opening paragraph to Colonel Hirota's Recall Oh-One, One General's Autobiography,
CROW: So, uh, y'think Colonel Hirota will run for President?
MIKE: Naw, he just wants to sell more copies of his autobiography.
>        published New Randall House, 2245
TOM: Remaindered New Crazy Eddie's Buck-A-Book Shop, 2246.
>
>* * *
>
>        Looking out on the field of glory, the fields of hell and death, to which even death seemed preferable.
CROW: Uh, if you see a verb, Presley, hop on.
BELLDANDY: [dubiously] So, to sum up, death is preferable to... death?
>        The game played for lives, and only the quick, the most apt tactician would survive.
MIKE: Oh, it's just NetDoom. Really, some people take this stuff too seriously.
>        The major difference in tactics of the Neo-Robotech Wars and her predecessors was the fact that strategy was not played in the "shoot-out" traditionalist methods pioneered by the Zentraedi and
subsequently adopted by the space-virgin Terrans.
CROW: Sayyyy... naah, too easy.
>        Now, in this age of higher-maneuverability and the first Robotech War to actually pit Earth against an enemy not technically superior, it had boiled down to one point, the mind versus the mind.
MIKE: Which meant that in this fanfic both sides were in deep, deep trouble.
>        The weakest enemy Terra had ever faced now posed to be their greatest threat.
TOM: Static cling! Who would have thought...?
>        In a war that had gone on for longer than many remembered, for what reasons no one cared, for what instigation no one thought existed.
CROW: Like, say, "Robotech III: The Odysseus Epic". What did we ever do to deserve it?
>        It was preferable this way, Jadi decided to herself, positioning herself in her enemies footholds.
TOM: But then, Jadi was a bitter, lonely woman...
>        Shouting out an order through the radio, she gave an order
TOM: [whispering] What's going on?
BELLDANDY: [whispering] I think she's giving an order.
>        for the newest fighter squadron of the Imperial Forces, the Dyushan, to launch.
CROW: [as fighter pilot] Okay, but who are you?
>        Their mecha, of the same name, had been developed from the Pariah, the Valkyrie, but most importantly, the Marduk.
TOM: Their speech, too, had been, overwhelmed by, most importantly, the commas.
>        It was moditransformable, but standard mode was a sixteen-point-one-five meter Battloid, wielding the dangerous, bat-like features
CROW: [deeply] We're Batman.
>        that made the new Pariah Strikers feared,
TOM: [baseball announcer voice] Now coming onto the field-ield-ield, your new-ew-ew Pariah-ah-ah Strikers-ers-ers!
>        but a completely new weapon. Its fighter mode included a splinter-wing design,
MIKE: So-called due to its tendency to come apart in flight.
>        and a more gothic copy of the fearsome GU-23 and GU-56 autocannons still in service on the Confederation side.
CROW: Let me guess. You get shot by them, and immediately start wearing black and pretending you're a vampire?
>        War, she savored the word,
MIKE: Mmmm... war.
>        the sacrament of her family.
TOM: Sheesh! I called it. Glorification of war, right there.
CROW: So... we're about three chapters into this fanfic now?
BELLDANDY: It's more like a page.
CROW: Oh.
>
>* * *
>
TOM: Oh my God, it's full of stars!
>        When the H'than left the Corron Empire to found their own influential circuit,
MIKE: Previously, on "The Odysseus Epic."
>        they neither abandoned their loyalties to blood, nor the Imperial Family. However, the relation the H'than held in the Corron Government
CROW: [bellowing] In the name of the Second Corron Empire!
MIKE: Never do that again.
>        allowed them a freedom that no internal family would possess, the ability to simply "not" tide the biddings of the Empress and her Arbitrary Council.
TOM: [shaking his head] I understand each individual word, but...
>        This would be the beginning of one of them. Five-hundred million miles from the Corron border to the Giovanni Stretch,
BELLDANDY: [perkily] Okay, everyone! Do the Giovanni Stretch...
[... Everyone stretches...]
BELLDANDY: ... And now relax.
[... Everyone relaxes.]
>        the H'than bordered the edge of the frontier towards the Galactic Barrier and the space closest to Earth itself.
CROW: Okay, wait a minute. He says that the H'than, whoever they are, are 500 million miles from the Earth border. Now a light year is 5.8 trillion miles long. That means these guys are only, umm, a little less than one ten-thousandth of a light year from Earth! That's inside our own solar system!
TOM: I'm down with that, Crow. And in fact the planet Jupiter orbits only 483 million miles from our Sun. That means the H'than, the Corron border, the Giovanni Stretch, the Galactic Barrier, and the Terran border are all barely farther apart than Earth, on average, is from Jupiter!
CROW: [triumphantly] So we reach the inescapable conclusion: as far as science-fiction writers go, our friend Presley Cannady not only is no Isaac Asimov, he's barely L. Ron Hubbard! Q.E.D.
MIKE and BELLDANDY: Wow.
>        Only fifteen hundred lightyears from Earth space,
CROW: Forget it, Presley. You're just digging yourself deeper.
>        she had a chosing the the ripest colony worlds based along her_border.
TOM: Red Alert! We have a grammar sequencer overload! The syntactical structure field is going critical!
MIKE: You've been watching "Star Trek: Voyager" again, haven't you?
>        Many, of course, were heavily fortified planets, requiring a small flotilla at least to subdue.
MIKE: Arrgh! "Masters of Orion" is just too difficult for me!
>        At this time, such a force would no doubt be met by Confederation retribution,
TOM: [as admiral] Blair, you and Paladin are going to go after those Kilrathi transports. You'll be flying Rapiers...
>        and from recent events leaked by H'than "liaisons" in the Corron intelligence network,
MIKE: Dangerous liaisons.
>        such a move could prove disastrous. Only a handful of the feudal military lords of the H'than Empire Council knew of the Ko'irl.
CROW: And fewer even cared.
>        Captain Second Class Arnoa Touko was not of the H'than mainstream family, but of one of the fifteen smaller families that followed this progidal third of the Corron race into the deeper
ends of undeclared space.
TOM: This reads like a James A. Michener novelization of "Fugitive Alien."
CROW: Yeah, with Stephen Ratliff copy editing.
>        This uniquely pivoted them between a seemingly insignificant planet Earth,
MIKE: We Earthlings never get any respect, y'know? It's always "insignificant" this and "backwards and warlike" that...
>        once targeted for future expansion of the new H'than Empire, but suddenly found reproachful
CROW: [as Inigo Montoya] I do not think that word means what you think it means.
>        when the blue-green world's rapid technological advancement took an unprecedented turn.
TOM: Yes, humanity's too-early development of the inside-the-eggshell egg scrambler threw the aliens's war plans into disarray!
>        As if heralded by the Founder's themselves,
CROW: Oh, and suddenly we're in "Deep Space Nine".
MIKE: [bemused] The founder's what? Bar and grill?
>        Earth had suddenly been caught up into a role that played down the Corron expansion into space to a mere trifle in comparison.
'BOTS: [as Corrons] We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum!
>        For now, they would wait, and they would strike decisively, and place Hara and Hw'ith once again at the center of the Universe.
MIKE: But for Arnoa Touko and her H'than Empire, there would be another day...
>
>* * *
>
CROW: Hey, wait a minute! What *about* Captain Touko? What the heck was the point of all that?
>        Earthdock, 23,000 kilometers over the surface at Lagrange Point Trojan Alpha
TOM: I call NO WAY! Earth's Lagrange Points aren't 23,000 kilometers above its surface! Mike, tell him!
MIKE: Shh, it's okay, Tom.
>        October 4, 2173
CROW: The year the Great War... ahh, forget it.
>        "Slow to impulse power, point-four lightspeed," the first officer ordered.
MIKE: And the audience is stunned by actual dialogue!
>        The helm responded, quickly complying to the order as the streaking stars slowed to their normal, realspace value. The Farragut glided across the orbits of Mars and her two moons as their homeworld came in sight. ETA, fifteen minutes.
CROW: This is just like an E. E. "Doc" Smith novel, except it sucks.
>        "Earthdock control, this is Farragut, code Naval Starship Designation One-Seven-One-Eight-Mark," the communications officer signalled.
MIKE: It's the U.S.S. Farragut, the wackiest ship in the fleet!
>        "Approach vector at point-four light speed to Apex Point Delta."
TOM: Helm, set a course for ROMANCE!
>        "This is Earthdock Control," the reply came back.
BELLDANDY: [as "Earthdock Control"] All of our operators are busy right now. Please stay on the line. Your approach vector is important to us.
CROW: [awed] You do work in Technical Support!
>        "You are clear for apex approach. Prepare to slow to thrusters for planetary intercept."
MIKE: What's with all this preparing? Just go!
CROW: Right, sir. Just go!
>        This continued for the next ten minutes as the behemoth starship was guided inward towards home. As the blue world that served as the ark for the survivors of homo sapiens, Earth, or more
commonly Terra,
TOM: "Steve" to its friends.
>        began to show the true relativistic size and insignificance of the small piece of universal matter that the Farragut actually was.
CROW: You are nothing, mon!
>        Even so, the view was spectacular if not breathtaking.
TOM: [sarcastic] Oh, I'll bet it really strains the special effects budget of this fanfic.
> Rear Admiral Thomas Satie, commander of the starship, onboard RDF/REF and ship-sponsored Squadrons, and a member of the Committee of Fleet Deployment,
ALL: A good friend.
>        glared hostily at the screen as his own homeworld increased in size.
TOM: Stupid homeworld! I hate you forever!
> Just off to the right, basking in the glow of the illuminated side of Earth's growing aphelion orbit,
CROW: AAAH!! Earth's orbit is growing! We're all gonna drift off into space and freeze to death!
TOM: Crow, relax.
>        was the Earthdock. Built from the remains of Dolza's stupidly humongous starship; the shard's of Little Luna, the Zentraedi Factory Satellite;
CROW: The bits and pieces of Vader's Death Star Mark II...
MIKE: The twisted ruins of the factory ship Nostromo...
BELLDANDY: The crumpled wreckage of an '83 Buick?
MIKE: Sure, why not?
TOM: Y'know... I can't help but wonder how structurally stable a starbase built out of random chunks of space garbage is going to be.
>        and the Southern Cross Liberty Space Station, once the only contact to the outside universe, it had an air of nostalgic history to it.
MIKE: ["Minnewegian" voice] Oo, yah, so we took the men and all went down to Earthdock over the weekend.
CROW: [ditto] There's so much history there, y'know.
BELLDANDY: Wouldn't it be up to Earthdock?
>        Its design was new, popular due to the practicality its generated when originally displayed during the "Star Trek" phenomena of the late twentieth century.
'BOTS: [just snicker at this]
MIKE: Hey, Presley, it's too late to shoot for a crossover now!
>        The same basic design was eminent, but their were major design changes,
CROW: Design! Design design design design design!
>        and the fact it dwarfed the fictional starbase nearly 200 times over.
TOM: Oh yeah? Well, my fictional starbase is 500 times as big as yours.
CROW: Well, mine's ten thousand times as big!
TOM: Mine's a MILLION times as big.
CROW: Mine's --
MIKE: Chill, you two.
>        The great station's massive upper-docking ring, a gigantic structure stretching seven-hundred miles in diameter, rotated to face the incoming vector.
ALL: [start humming the "Blue Danube Waltz"]
>        Smaller ships, fighters ranging from Alphas and old Valkyries to Khybers, VT-IIs and Tymanechs, and even commercial and civilian shuttles and VT's lined up near and around the Farragut's approach, taking advantage of the clearway through the massive shuttle_traffic through this region.
MIKE: So, is there any particular reason why so many highly expensive and technically advanced military spacecraft are just wandering aimlessly around the solar system?
>        As the moon passed by and cislunar orbit gave way, one could compare Earthdock as Earth's orbiting Venus.
TOM: Oh, no! I just realized it! This fanfic's scientific advisor is Alexander Abian!
[all scream]
>        That planet had long been obliterated, nearly altering Earth's own orbit and causing severe gravitational distortions for decades afterwards.
MIKE: I bet it made a mess of TV reception, too.
>        But now, the morning star was evident day and night, hovering over Earth as its guardian angel.
CROW: At an altitude of twenty-three feet. Talk about your navigational hazards!
>        The massive doors were already opened to fifteen percent of their maximum aperture (three-fourth's of the mushroom-like docking cap). Hundreds of capital ships could be deployed or taken in at a time at just this opening, and thousands of smaller vessels frequently took advantage of this commodity.
TOM: [exasperated] Presley, we don't care.
>        Almost redundant in function, three distinctive beam spread out from the axis beneath the upper caps. The Triumverate, a namesake the Tirolian designer had given to this section, consisted of three circular modules for docking and various other purposes. As with all the mushroom-cap and circular modules, living quarters, working spaces, and hundreds of onboard-colony cities were spread throughout.
CROW: Did this fanfic just turn into a James Hogan novel while I wasn't looking?
TOM: Bet you a million dollars we never see this starbase again.
>        Each being 250 miles in diameter, they were the largest independent structures apart from the axis and the main docking ring.
MIKE: I'm guessing the motif here is "big".
>        "Drifting thrusters, three-fourth's reverse,"
TOM: Special punctuation assistance by Kittens on Keys, Inc.
>        the captain enjoyed riding the horse through the barn door on his own,
CROW: If you know what I mean.
>        but knew once he reached the mooring perimeter, Operations onboard the station would take over with special laden bars containing tractor diodes.
MIKE: The captain would end his years bitter and alone, nursing his lifelong grudge against Station Operations. Think about it, won't you?
>        "Alright, Goodman, take her in, maneuvering thrusters only."
TOM: Sorry, sir, I'm too busy creating game shows.
>        "Heading mark 5, course zero-zero-zero Relative," he lined his sights,
BELLDANDY: [worried] Do you think the lieutenant should be firing on it?
MIKE: Heck, why not? This fanfic could use an action sequence.
>        taking the challenge in stride.
CROW: Challenge? This is the 23rd-century equivalent of parallel parking!
>        A lieutenant, a seasoned officer of the Interfederation divisions, he held respect for his commanding officer's confidence. "Slowing delta-v to 2.5 kps."
MIKE: [as "lieutenant"] Slowing plot to 0.01 wps, sir.
>        The speed diminished quickly, the massive thrusters of the capital ships retro firing as she pulled in, safely.
TOM: It's the biggest interstellar empire around, and the safest!
>        "We've got you Farragut.
CROW: [casually] We've got you, Farragut. We've got you...
TOM: BOOM!
CROW: We've got you.
>        Welcome home."
> The captain merely smiled at his helmsman, and ordered, "Set moorings."
TOM: [as helmsman] Sir, are you high?
>
>* * * >
>        Shore leave had come quite unexpected at first, and thoroughly appreciated.
CROW: Hey, speaking of shore leave, let's get outta here.
TOM: I thoroughly appreciate that!
[Mike picks up Tom and they all start to head out of the theater.]
BELLDANDY: [wavering a bit] Mike, all of humans's artworks aren't as bad as this fanfic, are they? Because if they are...
MIKE: Of course not! Let me show you something...
... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *... -Logan
-----------------
"Because Science DEMANDS it!!"
-----------------
====================
... *... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
[All four enter the theater. Belldandy is carrying Tom.]
MIKE: Er, I can carry him.
BELLDANDY: Oh, it's no trouble! [She sets Tom down and sits next to Mike again.] There you go.
TOM: [still dazed] Such flavor...
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.stories
BELLDANDY: How strange.
MIKE: Hmm?
BELLDANDY: I just felt the fall of a very small, but definitely unlucky star.
>Path:
psuvm!news.cac.psu.edu!news.tc.cornell.edu!travelers.mail.cornell
.edu!
>news.kei.com!
CROW: [as fanboy] They're death in high heels! Armageddon in a teeny-weeny bikini!
TOM: [as fanboy] Screw you, pal! Lovely Angels rule!
>newshost.marcam.com!
MIKE: Is that still up, after the plague and all?
>usc!howland.reston.ans.net!
>tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!in1.uu.net!world!megazone
>From: Presley Cannady
CROW: Dear National Enquirer: Elvis is alive! He has a Compuserve account and he lives in Canada!
>Subject: [Preview] "Robotech: TOE A-I Book 2" [FanFic]
TOM: "Robotech: Artificially Intelligent Toes"!
CROW: Hey, I liked "Robotech"!
>Message-ID:
>Followup-To: poster
MIKE: So after the fanfic is over we get to wind up and post the author! All right!
>X-World-Archive:
TOM: A whole new universe from Marvel Comics. Coming soon.
> Robotech/robotech.odysseus-epic.book-2.gz
>Sender: megazone@world.std.com (MegaZone)
>Organization: Robotech Development Group, North Eastern America
TOM: Scotty, don't you ever mention that show again -- or I'll stab you to death with my chin.
MIKE: [doubletake] Wow, that's obscure.
>Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 07:44:30 GMT
>Approved: megazone@world.std.com
>Lines: 407
BELLDANDY: Oh, my.
>
>        And a preview of Book II: The Bending of Rules --
>
>        "Robotech III: The Odysseus Epic"
>        by Presley H. Cannady and others
CROW: Don't step on my blue suede Veritechs.
>76725.1245@compuserve.com
>
>        Act I - Superdimensional Starforce Orion
TOM: [alien voice] Star Force? We do not consider the Star Force to be a threat.
>        Book II - The Bending of Rules
>________________________________________________________________
>
>The New Era Sagas and all therein are copyright 1995@ Presley H.
>Cannady.
CROW: [singing] You ain't nothin' but an Invid dog, a-frying troops of mine...
MIKE: I think that's enough Elvis jokes for now.
> All rights reserved. Any profit-intended publication of this novel without authorization of the author or current copyright holders is strictly prohibited.
MIKE: [bemused] They always say that.
BELLDANDY: Well, hope springs eternal!
>
>Copyright 1995@ Anime/Macross/Robotech Development Group
>Copyright 1985@ Harmony Gold
TOM: If these are E-mail addresses, they're pretty badly formed.
>Copyright 1982@ Tatsunoko Productions
>Copyright 1982@ Studio Nue
CROW: It took five people to copyright this fanfic.
>________________________________________________________________
>
>        This story is the largest part of my New Era interpretation.
TOM: Uh-oh.
MIKE: Threats will get you nowhere, Presley! We can't be cowed that easily!
>        My theories conclude that there are many Robotech universes:
CROW: [maniacally] And we can get from ONE to the NEXT by using JUMBO COSMOSPHERES!
>        Aubry Thonon and Peter Walker's Pretoxican universe, Macek's original design, and now, my Tkon universe.
>__________________________________________________________
MIKE: I hate these Netscapisms. People should just use
. I mean, it's in the standard, after all.
TOM: Yeah, sure, Mike. Whatever.
>
>* * *
>
>        EPISODE V: Skyward Again
CROW: How far into this fanfic are we, anyway? I'm ready for a break.
BELLDANDY: I don't think it's started yet.
CROW: Oh.
>        Chapter X-
MIKE: Slackers Go To War.
TOM: [importantly] This fanfic is rated X the Unknown. Absolutely no one admitted, mitted, mitted...
>        We ride into battle on our steeds of war. Soaring higher and higher to the peak of perfection. To defend, to uphold
CROW: Hey, this is the opening montage from "Reboot!"
TOM: Let the Mads overwhelm us with a fanfic? I don't think so.
>        and to observe the individual right of freedom and peace.
CROW: And now it's "Babylon 5"!
>        -Mongol Squadron Motto, circa 2078
>
> They enticed as the maids of Samarkand, and brought barbarianistic
MIKE: When this guy uses suffixes, he doesn't mess around!
>        passion to the order and peace of the Halls of Peking.
TOM: Peking is Peiping.
>        From North to South, from Manchuria to Laos,
BELLDANDY: From Satchel to Page?
>        they left their mark on all. They were the Mongolians, Riders, Warriors, Beautiful.
TOM: Oh, right, except for the innocent civilians they trod underfoot as they hacked their bloody way across medieval Asia. We're not in for 407 lines of glorification of war, are we, Mike?
MIKE: Well --
TOM: Because if we are, I could just go and read that Tom Clancy novel the Mads sent us.
BELLDANDY: [alarmed] No, Tom! You have too much to live for!
>        -adapted from The Tartars and the Yuan, an epic by Sir Aaron Toland,
CROW: [sarcastic] Oh, an epic by Sir Aaron Toland.
>        Worcestor 1998, used as a opening paragraph to Colonel Hirota's Recall Oh-One, One General's Autobiography,
CROW: So, uh, y'think Colonel Hirota will run for President?
MIKE: Naw, he just wants to sell more copies of his autobiography.
>        published New Randall House, 2245
TOM: Remaindered New Crazy Eddie's Buck-A-Book Shop, 2246.
>
>* * *
>
>        Looking out on the field of glory, the fields of hell and death, to which even death seemed preferable.
CROW: Uh, if you see a verb, Presley, hop on.
BELLDANDY: [dubiously] So, to sum up, death is preferable to... death?
>        The game played for lives, and only the quick, the most apt tactician would survive.
MIKE: Oh, it's just NetDoom. Really, some people take this stuff too seriously.
>        The major difference in tactics of the Neo-Robotech Wars and her predecessors was the fact that strategy was not played in the "shoot-out" traditionalist methods pioneered by the Zentraedi and
subsequently adopted by the space-virgin Terrans.
CROW: Sayyyy... naah, too easy.
>        Now, in this age of higher-maneuverability and the first Robotech War to actually pit Earth against an enemy not technically superior, it had boiled down to one point, the mind versus the mind.
MIKE: Which meant that in this fanfic both sides were in deep, deep trouble.
>        The weakest enemy Terra had ever faced now posed to be their greatest threat.
TOM: Static cling! Who would have thought...?
>        In a war that had gone on for longer than many remembered, for what reasons no one cared, for what instigation no one thought existed.
CROW: Like, say, "Robotech III: The Odysseus Epic". What did we ever do to deserve it?
>        It was preferable this way, Jadi decided to herself, positioning herself in her enemies footholds.
TOM: But then, Jadi was a bitter, lonely woman...
>        Shouting out an order through the radio, she gave an order
TOM: [whispering] What's going on?
BELLDANDY: [whispering] I think she's giving an order.
>        for the newest fighter squadron of the Imperial Forces, the Dyushan, to launch.
CROW: [as fighter pilot] Okay, but who are you?
>        Their mecha, of the same name, had been developed from the Pariah, the Valkyrie, but most importantly, the Marduk.
TOM: Their speech, too, had been, overwhelmed by, most importantly, the commas.
>        It was moditransformable, but standard mode was a sixteen-point-one-five meter Battloid, wielding the dangerous, bat-like features
CROW: [deeply] We're Batman.
>        that made the new Pariah Strikers feared,
TOM: [baseball announcer voice] Now coming onto the field-ield-ield, your new-ew-ew Pariah-ah-ah Strikers-ers-ers!
>        but a completely new weapon. Its fighter mode included a splinter-wing design,
MIKE: So-called due to its tendency to come apart in flight.
>        and a more gothic copy of the fearsome GU-23 and GU-56 autocannons still in service on the Confederation side.
CROW: Let me guess. You get shot by them, and immediately start wearing black and pretending you're a vampire?
>        War, she savored the word,
MIKE: Mmmm... war.
>        the sacrament of her family.
TOM: Sheesh! I called it. Glorification of war, right there.
CROW: So... we're about three chapters into this fanfic now?
BELLDANDY: It's more like a page.
CROW: Oh.
>
>* * *
>
TOM: Oh my God, it's full of stars!
>        When the H'than left the Corron Empire to found their own influential circuit,
MIKE: Previously, on "The Odysseus Epic."
>        they neither abandoned their loyalties to blood, nor the Imperial Family. However, the relation the H'than held in the Corron Government
CROW: [bellowing] In the name of the Second Corron Empire!
MIKE: Never do that again.
>        allowed them a freedom that no internal family would possess, the ability to simply "not" tide the biddings of the Empress and her Arbitrary Council.
TOM: [shaking his head] I understand each individual word, but...
>        This would be the beginning of one of them. Five-hundred million miles from the Corron border to the Giovanni Stretch,
BELLDANDY: [perkily] Okay, everyone! Do the Giovanni Stretch...
[... Everyone stretches...]
BELLDANDY: ... And now relax.
[... Everyone relaxes.]
>        the H'than bordered the edge of the frontier towards the Galactic Barrier and the space closest to Earth itself.
CROW: Okay, wait a minute. He says that the H'than, whoever they are, are 500 million miles from the Earth border. Now a light year is 5.8 trillion miles long. That means these guys are only, umm, a little less than one ten-thousandth of a light year from Earth! That's inside our own solar system!
TOM: I'm down with that, Crow. And in fact the planet Jupiter orbits only 483 million miles from our Sun. That means the H'than, the Corron border, the Giovanni Stretch, the Galactic Barrier, and the Terran border are all barely farther apart than Earth, on average, is from Jupiter!
CROW: [triumphantly] So we reach the inescapable conclusion: as far as science-fiction writers go, our friend Presley Cannady not only is no Isaac Asimov, he's barely L. Ron Hubbard! Q.E.D.
MIKE and BELLDANDY: Wow.
>        Only fifteen hundred lightyears from Earth space,
CROW: Forget it, Presley. You're just digging yourself deeper.
>        she had a chosing the the ripest colony worlds based along her_border.
TOM: Red Alert! We have a grammar sequencer overload! The syntactical structure field is going critical!
MIKE: You've been watching "Star Trek: Voyager" again, haven't you?
>        Many, of course, were heavily fortified planets, requiring a small flotilla at least to subdue.
MIKE: Arrgh! "Masters of Orion" is just too difficult for me!
>        At this time, such a force would no doubt be met by Confederation retribution,
TOM: [as admiral] Blair, you and Paladin are going to go after those Kilrathi transports. You'll be flying Rapiers...
>        and from recent events leaked by H'than "liaisons" in the Corron intelligence network,
MIKE: Dangerous liaisons.
>        such a move could prove disastrous. Only a handful of the feudal military lords of the H'than Empire Council knew of the Ko'irl.
CROW: And fewer even cared.
>        Captain Second Class Arnoa Touko was not of the H'than mainstream family, but of one of the fifteen smaller families that followed this progidal third of the Corron race into the deeper
ends of undeclared space.
TOM: This reads like a James A. Michener novelization of "Fugitive Alien."
CROW: Yeah, with Stephen Ratliff copy editing.
>        This uniquely pivoted them between a seemingly insignificant planet Earth,
MIKE: We Earthlings never get any respect, y'know? It's always "insignificant" this and "backwards and warlike" that...
>        once targeted for future expansion of the new H'than Empire, but suddenly found reproachful
CROW: [as Inigo Montoya] I do not think that word means what you think it means.
>        when the blue-green world's rapid technological advancement took an unprecedented turn.
TOM: Yes, humanity's too-early development of the inside-the-eggshell egg scrambler threw the aliens's war plans into disarray!
>        As if heralded by the Founder's themselves,
CROW: Oh, and suddenly we're in "Deep Space Nine".
MIKE: [bemused] The founder's what? Bar and grill?
>        Earth had suddenly been caught up into a role that played down the Corron expansion into space to a mere trifle in comparison.
'BOTS: [as Corrons] We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum!
>        For now, they would wait, and they would strike decisively, and place Hara and Hw'ith once again at the center of the Universe.
MIKE: But for Arnoa Touko and her H'than Empire, there would be another day...
>
>* * *
>
CROW: Hey, wait a minute! What *about* Captain Touko? What the heck was the point of all that?
>        Earthdock, 23,000 kilometers over the surface at Lagrange Point Trojan Alpha
TOM: I call NO WAY! Earth's Lagrange Points aren't 23,000 kilometers above its surface! Mike, tell him!
MIKE: Shh, it's okay, Tom.
>        October 4, 2173
CROW: The year the Great War... ahh, forget it.
>        "Slow to impulse power, point-four lightspeed," the first officer ordered.
MIKE: And the audience is stunned by actual dialogue!
>        The helm responded, quickly complying to the order as the streaking stars slowed to their normal, realspace value. The Farragut glided across the orbits of Mars and her two moons as their homeworld came in sight. ETA, fifteen minutes.
CROW: This is just like an E. E. "Doc" Smith novel, except it sucks.
>        "Earthdock control, this is Farragut, code Naval Starship Designation One-Seven-One-Eight-Mark," the communications officer signalled.
MIKE: It's the U.S.S. Farragut, the wackiest ship in the fleet!
>        "Approach vector at point-four light speed to Apex Point Delta."
TOM: Helm, set a course for ROMANCE!
>        "This is Earthdock Control," the reply came back.
BELLDANDY: [as "Earthdock Control"] All of our operators are busy right now. Please stay on the line. Your approach vector is important to us.
CROW: [awed] You do work in Technical Support!
>        "You are clear for apex approach. Prepare to slow to thrusters for planetary intercept."
MIKE: What's with all this preparing? Just go!
CROW: Right, sir. Just go!
>        This continued for the next ten minutes as the behemoth starship was guided inward towards home. As the blue world that served as the ark for the survivors of homo sapiens, Earth, or more
commonly Terra,
TOM: "Steve" to its friends.
>        began to show the true relativistic size and insignificance of the small piece of universal matter that the Farragut actually was.
CROW: You are nothing, mon!
>        Even so, the view was spectacular if not breathtaking.
TOM: [sarcastic] Oh, I'll bet it really strains the special effects budget of this fanfic.
> Rear Admiral Thomas Satie, commander of the starship, onboard RDF/REF and ship-sponsored Squadrons, and a member of the Committee of Fleet Deployment,
ALL: A good friend.
>        glared hostily at the screen as his own homeworld increased in size.
TOM: Stupid homeworld! I hate you forever!
> Just off to the right, basking in the glow of the illuminated side of Earth's growing aphelion orbit,
CROW: AAAH!! Earth's orbit is growing! We're all gonna drift off into space and freeze to death!
TOM: Crow, relax.
>        was the Earthdock. Built from the remains of Dolza's stupidly humongous starship; the shard's of Little Luna, the Zentraedi Factory Satellite;
CROW: The bits and pieces of Vader's Death Star Mark II...
MIKE: The twisted ruins of the factory ship Nostromo...
BELLDANDY: The crumpled wreckage of an '83 Buick?
MIKE: Sure, why not?
TOM: Y'know... I can't help but wonder how structurally stable a starbase built out of random chunks of space garbage is going to be.
>        and the Southern Cross Liberty Space Station, once the only contact to the outside universe, it had an air of nostalgic history to it.
MIKE: ["Minnewegian" voice] Oo, yah, so we took the men and all went down to Earthdock over the weekend.
CROW: [ditto] There's so much history there, y'know.
BELLDANDY: Wouldn't it be up to Earthdock?
>        Its design was new, popular due to the practicality its generated when originally displayed during the "Star Trek" phenomena of the late twentieth century.
'BOTS: [just snicker at this]
MIKE: Hey, Presley, it's too late to shoot for a crossover now!
>        The same basic design was eminent, but their were major design changes,
CROW: Design! Design design design design design!
>        and the fact it dwarfed the fictional starbase nearly 200 times over.
TOM: Oh yeah? Well, my fictional starbase is 500 times as big as yours.
CROW: Well, mine's ten thousand times as big!
TOM: Mine's a MILLION times as big.
CROW: Mine's --
MIKE: Chill, you two.
>        The great station's massive upper-docking ring, a gigantic structure stretching seven-hundred miles in diameter, rotated to face the incoming vector.
ALL: [start humming the "Blue Danube Waltz"]
>        Smaller ships, fighters ranging from Alphas and old Valkyries to Khybers, VT-IIs and Tymanechs, and even commercial and civilian shuttles and VT's lined up near and around the Farragut's approach, taking advantage of the clearway through the massive shuttle_traffic through this region.
MIKE: So, is there any particular reason why so many highly expensive and technically advanced military spacecraft are just wandering aimlessly around the solar system?
>        As the moon passed by and cislunar orbit gave way, one could compare Earthdock as Earth's orbiting Venus.
TOM: Oh, no! I just realized it! This fanfic's scientific advisor is Alexander Abian!
[all scream]
>        That planet had long been obliterated, nearly altering Earth's own orbit and causing severe gravitational distortions for decades afterwards.
MIKE: I bet it made a mess of TV reception, too.
>        But now, the morning star was evident day and night, hovering over Earth as its guardian angel.
CROW: At an altitude of twenty-three feet. Talk about your navigational hazards!
>        The massive doors were already opened to fifteen percent of their maximum aperture (three-fourth's of the mushroom-like docking cap). Hundreds of capital ships could be deployed or taken in at a time at just this opening, and thousands of smaller vessels frequently took advantage of this commodity.
TOM: [exasperated] Presley, we don't care.
>        Almost redundant in function, three distinctive beam spread out from the axis beneath the upper caps. The Triumverate, a namesake the Tirolian designer had given to this section, consisted of three circular modules for docking and various other purposes. As with all the mushroom-cap and circular modules, living quarters, working spaces, and hundreds of onboard-colony cities were spread throughout.
CROW: Did this fanfic just turn into a James Hogan novel while I wasn't looking?
TOM: Bet you a million dollars we never see this starbase again.
>        Each being 250 miles in diameter, they were the largest independent structures apart from the axis and the main docking ring.
MIKE: I'm guessing the motif here is "big".
>        "Drifting thrusters, three-fourth's reverse,"
TOM: Special punctuation assistance by Kittens on Keys, Inc.
>        the captain enjoyed riding the horse through the barn door on his own,
CROW: If you know what I mean.
>        but knew once he reached the mooring perimeter, Operations onboard the station would take over with special laden bars containing tractor diodes.
MIKE: The captain would end his years bitter and alone, nursing his lifelong grudge against Station Operations. Think about it, won't you?
>        "Alright, Goodman, take her in, maneuvering thrusters only."
TOM: Sorry, sir, I'm too busy creating game shows.
>        "Heading mark 5, course zero-zero-zero Relative," he lined his sights,
BELLDANDY: [worried] Do you think the lieutenant should be firing on it?
MIKE: Heck, why not? This fanfic could use an action sequence.
>        taking the challenge in stride.
CROW: Challenge? This is the 23rd-century equivalent of parallel parking!
>        A lieutenant, a seasoned officer of the Interfederation divisions, he held respect for his commanding officer's confidence. "Slowing delta-v to 2.5 kps."
MIKE: [as "lieutenant"] Slowing plot to 0.01 wps, sir.
>        The speed diminished quickly, the massive thrusters of the capital ships retro firing as she pulled in, safely.
TOM: It's the biggest interstellar empire around, and the safest!
>        "We've got you Farragut.
CROW: [casually] We've got you, Farragut. We've got you...
TOM: BOOM!
CROW: We've got you.
>        Welcome home."
> The captain merely smiled at his helmsman, and ordered, "Set moorings."
TOM: [as helmsman] Sir, are you high?
>
>* * * >
>        Shore leave had come quite unexpected at first, and thoroughly appreciated.
CROW: Hey, speaking of shore leave, let's get outta here.
TOM: I thoroughly appreciate that!
[Mike picks up Tom and they all start to head out of the theater.]
BELLDANDY: [wavering a bit] Mike, all of humans's artworks aren't as bad as this fanfic, are they? Because if they are...
MIKE: Of course not! Let me show you something...
... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *... -Logan
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"Because Science DEMANDS it!!"
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