[SOL Bridge. We zoom back and see a huge picture of Mike on the Gizmonic doors. The lights are low and the 'bots are wailing in anguish! Oh, there's also a projector screen in one corner of the set.]
TOM: No! No! Mike Nelson's dead!!
CROW: It must have been that horrible fanfic! Oh, the humanity! [Sob!]
TOM: Well, this isn't going to be the end of it! We'll find his killer if it's the last thing we do!
CROW: Are you sure he was murdered? Maybe the fanfic was so bad that, um, he just decided to end it all and jump out the airlock.
TOM: Crow, even an LA jury wouldn't buy a dumb story like that! No, we're going to have to do some detective work here! [sharply] Cambot! Roll the slides of today's experiment.
[The first slide comes up, of a woman in blue body armor. Tom starts humming the "Dragnet" theme.]
CROW: The time: 5:02 PM. The place: Satellite of Love. Today's Friday. My name's Tuesday. I'm a cop. Our first suspect: a woman known only as "Jadi." Last seen issuing meaningless orders to nonexistent military units. Motive: Obviously a member of the "Militia Movement."
TOM: Watch it with the militia jokes, Crow. Some of them have anti-satellite missiles.
CROW: Is that legal?
TOM: [puzzled] Legal?
[The slide changes to a tall, sneery-looking man in a captain's uniform.]
CROW: Suspect #2: Rear Admiral Thomas Sadie. All that's known is that he hates Earth. [triumphantly] And the deceased was an Earthman! Case closed!
TOM: I think we need more detail on this guy.
CROW: That's all there was.
TOM: Oh.
[The slide changes to an outline of a woman with a question mark in the center.]
CROW: Suspect #3: Captain Arnoa Touko.
TOM: Well?
CROW: We don't know anything about her, either.
TOM: You know, I'm sensing a trend here. [dramatically] Could it be that the real culprit in this foul crime is the man who's stymied our investigation with a profusion of no-dimensional characters? In other words... Cambot?
[The slide changes to a huge question mark.]
CROW: Gasp! The Riddler?
TOM: No! Presley H. Cannady himself! Book 'em, Danno!
CROW: Hey! I'm Joe Friday. You're Danno.
TOM: But I wanted to be Anna Lee from "Mystery."
CROW: Fembot.
TOM: Am not! She's just cool, that's all.
[In the middle of this, enter Mike and Belldandy from the right.
They are speaking animatedly (Literally so, in Belldandy's case.).]
BELLDANDY: I see now! Plot -- establishment of scene -- character development -- everything that was missing from the fanfic!
MIKE: You've got to admit, that Orson Welles was a genius.
BELLDANDY: That bit where the results of the doctored penicillin are implied -- and the camera almost shows it -- gave me the shivers!
MIKE: Yeah, that -- Oh, hey Tom, hey Crow. How's the skit going?
[He notices that the 'bots are just staring at him and trembling.]
MIKE: What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost.
'BOTS: AAAAAAAGGHHH!!!
[They run off, screaming. Mike looks at Belldandy. They both shrug. Suddenly buzzers and lights go off...]
MIKE: Hey, we've got fanfic sign!
... *... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... -Logan
-----------------
"Because Science DEMANDS it!!"
-----------------
TOM: No! No! Mike Nelson's dead!!
CROW: It must have been that horrible fanfic! Oh, the humanity! [Sob!]
TOM: Well, this isn't going to be the end of it! We'll find his killer if it's the last thing we do!
CROW: Are you sure he was murdered? Maybe the fanfic was so bad that, um, he just decided to end it all and jump out the airlock.
TOM: Crow, even an LA jury wouldn't buy a dumb story like that! No, we're going to have to do some detective work here! [sharply] Cambot! Roll the slides of today's experiment.
[The first slide comes up, of a woman in blue body armor. Tom starts humming the "Dragnet" theme.]
CROW: The time: 5:02 PM. The place: Satellite of Love. Today's Friday. My name's Tuesday. I'm a cop. Our first suspect: a woman known only as "Jadi." Last seen issuing meaningless orders to nonexistent military units. Motive: Obviously a member of the "Militia Movement."
TOM: Watch it with the militia jokes, Crow. Some of them have anti-satellite missiles.
CROW: Is that legal?
TOM: [puzzled] Legal?
[The slide changes to a tall, sneery-looking man in a captain's uniform.]
CROW: Suspect #2: Rear Admiral Thomas Sadie. All that's known is that he hates Earth. [triumphantly] And the deceased was an Earthman! Case closed!
TOM: I think we need more detail on this guy.
CROW: That's all there was.
TOM: Oh.
[The slide changes to an outline of a woman with a question mark in the center.]
CROW: Suspect #3: Captain Arnoa Touko.
TOM: Well?
CROW: We don't know anything about her, either.
TOM: You know, I'm sensing a trend here. [dramatically] Could it be that the real culprit in this foul crime is the man who's stymied our investigation with a profusion of no-dimensional characters? In other words... Cambot?
[The slide changes to a huge question mark.]
CROW: Gasp! The Riddler?
TOM: No! Presley H. Cannady himself! Book 'em, Danno!
CROW: Hey! I'm Joe Friday. You're Danno.
TOM: But I wanted to be Anna Lee from "Mystery."
CROW: Fembot.
TOM: Am not! She's just cool, that's all.
[In the middle of this, enter Mike and Belldandy from the right.
They are speaking animatedly (Literally so, in Belldandy's case.).]
BELLDANDY: I see now! Plot -- establishment of scene -- character development -- everything that was missing from the fanfic!
MIKE: You've got to admit, that Orson Welles was a genius.
BELLDANDY: That bit where the results of the doctored penicillin are implied -- and the camera almost shows it -- gave me the shivers!
MIKE: Yeah, that -- Oh, hey Tom, hey Crow. How's the skit going?
[He notices that the 'bots are just staring at him and trembling.]
MIKE: What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost.
'BOTS: AAAAAAAGGHHH!!!
[They run off, screaming. Mike looks at Belldandy. They both shrug. Suddenly buzzers and lights go off...]
MIKE: Hey, we've got fanfic sign!
... *... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... -Logan
-----------------
"Because Science DEMANDS it!!"
-----------------