blackaeronaut Wrote:Well, I asked for commentary and I got it.
*Subtly bandages his writing hand.* (^_^
Sorry I don't mean to be discouraging, but show don't tell is quite important. If you are writing a summary it should be short and concise, a story shouldn't be.
blackaeronaut Wrote:To be honest, I hate it when a writer drags shit on. Yes, the jungle is a nasty, steamy place full of poisenous plants, cold-blooded critters, earth that's gonna swallow you up, things that wanna eat you, and our heroes despise it with a pink-and-purple-passion. There's nothing fun going on! Let's get back into the good stuff!
That depends on how it's told. a story about a trek in the jungle should focus on that, and show us what is happening. example: "Mike didn't enjoy through the jungle filled with poisonous snakes." that is bad.
"Mike was just drinking for his canteen when he stumbled and fell onto the moist jungle floor. 'Oh yuck,' he thought, 'this muck will probably not come off.' before the thing he stumbled over started writing and hissing.
Turning around Mike came face to face with a rather large snake, flicking it's forked tongue out in Mike's direction in a rather annoyed manner. Frozen in fear Mike didn't move until the snake slinked of into the undergrowth.' now i won't claim it's good, but it's a lot better. we are not reading the story because it is a chore, we are reading it because it is supposed to be interesting.
You have a similar problem with the neighbours you tell us they like him but not much else. Show us how he overcomes their prejudice or whatever and how they come to like him, or skip that part alltogether. either it's important enough to show us, or it can be left out. Exposition is sometimes necessary, especially at the begining of a story but you keep draging it on beyond the permissible point.
I have the same problem and need to be continually reminded, so don't feel too bad.
blackaeronaut Wrote:This came a bit quicker than I thought, but it's only a partial. The little introduction on the plane I'm going to leave asit is - I don't see any real reason to change that part. Let me know how I did on this.
Much better. Much much better.
blackaeronaut Wrote:Yeah, I'm just a ray of effin' sunshine, aren't I?
You got that right. again I hate the main characters guts but this time it seems to be intentional. you seem to be trying for the badboy type, unusal in harem-type anime, and not quite what i got form your brainstorming summaries, but it works.
Quote:"Oh, that noisy place?"
"What do you mean?"
"This business about cute girls and ugly monsters tearing the place up."
Doesn't flow well, I would suggest adjusting the dialogue a bit.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."