I think the problem with the first one was that he was just soooo smooth. It totally broke the description given in the brainstorming thread.... he just
knew what to say and how to say it (max ranks in diplomacy with a high charisma)... Very 'Glory be as me.' of him. Everything went so greased
through the day... in the brainstorming thread he is suppose to be the kind of guy who doesn't have the socialization that makes him fit in and its made
worse that he is trying so hard to not fit a stereotype. He has force of personality a plenty, its just it always comes across as intimidation rather than
diplomacy. He is frantic and driven and not trying to fit in. He should be coming off as having internal monologue errors, not as calm an in control of the
situation. To me he comes off as rather smarmy in the first text... though he losses points because I've got the examples from the brainstorming thread to
work with.
For showing and not telling examples... the thing were the neighbors get to like him, even if they can't quite get his motivation is easy to show. Add in
random scenes where he recognizes some middle aged woman with a heavy load of bags, as being from his building. Then have him take one or more of the bags
from her and carry them for her... she should mentally panic... is it a thief? He can mention her appartment number and carry the bag(s) for her to there
while she follows... at which point she is thinking thief? Rapists? I don't know this guy why is he carriing stuff for me. She steps in the apartment
and he puts the bag(s) down and leaves. She is stunned. Later have him keep randomly helping people out and wandering off when he is done. He only has to
help with minor stuff really. Stuff that takes a minute or two. Someone drops something pick it up and drop it back in their bag. The kind of helpful stuff
that he can think of as not a big deal, but that adds up. Random acts of kindness that he does habitually, which attracts people, before his nature freaks
them out.
I big error in the second half of the first part is that Rei is the one that doesn't know they are dating... it should be the under socialized Zeke.
Others think he knows already, because it is 'so obvious', but as no one has bothered to tell him what was going on. Not that Rei has to know
either... you can use it as an excuse to mellow her anti-men thing to the level you can have her end up in Kanami and Sosuke's class. She won't be
fully comfortable with them... but should be funtional around them... that and Kanami and her can share yelling at Sosuke, for being himself, for doing weird
things. Having him do things like use exposives on random letters in his locker should make the rest of the guys seem normal in compairison.
The second version started off like Gantz really... only at least one guy was coherent and thoughtful enough to pull him off the tracks. Not speaking Japanese
well means he has to slow down and think of what he is going to say... which he shouldn't be doing in English much. I mean under socialization combined
with actively trying no to fit a mold and his fast and loose (externally at least) train of thought and acction is what makes people freak.
The bit with the Rei and inviting her in isn't bad. Though having him invite her in, because of the grumbly belly and not a for smary reasons works
well... having him already working with stuff on the table and her asking what this stuff is a more brainstorming thread in character thing. Having him notice
her aura after she brings it up or after casting the runes (at which point he trances to confirm the reading) makes more sense... then comes the 'Are you a
witch?' thing... also she will have reason to keep him distracted at the temple. That way he won't actually scan the rest of the scouts and ask why
exactly they magical auras for no reason.
The best way to have him start a realistic bond with Sosuke is to have them dragged along by the then befriended girls (every shopping trip goes better with
pack mules after all) and spend their time discussing how they both get something *waves hands around nebulously* profound just happened but neither of them
know what. Mutual confusion is shared misery and that is something to start a friendship on.
Lastly, I think the other thing that is setting off SI censors is the random and seemly out of character martial arts thing... combined with the kendo mention.
This is a tinker/shaman. I mean you can write off the wilderness survival training and stalking as related to training as a shaman. All that wandering
around and finding those always helpful for mystical meditations hallucination inducing plants... and teaching kids to hunt in the wild is a good way to get
them to stop complaining about being hungry. Military father can even mean gun training. Leaving in a skill gap in the Hand to hand area gives him a tangible
weakness. Though having him learn the ancient art of out running away fast... fast like you just enrange a pack of wild boars would come in handy for later
plot points.
knew what to say and how to say it (max ranks in diplomacy with a high charisma)... Very 'Glory be as me.' of him. Everything went so greased
through the day... in the brainstorming thread he is suppose to be the kind of guy who doesn't have the socialization that makes him fit in and its made
worse that he is trying so hard to not fit a stereotype. He has force of personality a plenty, its just it always comes across as intimidation rather than
diplomacy. He is frantic and driven and not trying to fit in. He should be coming off as having internal monologue errors, not as calm an in control of the
situation. To me he comes off as rather smarmy in the first text... though he losses points because I've got the examples from the brainstorming thread to
work with.
For showing and not telling examples... the thing were the neighbors get to like him, even if they can't quite get his motivation is easy to show. Add in
random scenes where he recognizes some middle aged woman with a heavy load of bags, as being from his building. Then have him take one or more of the bags
from her and carry them for her... she should mentally panic... is it a thief? He can mention her appartment number and carry the bag(s) for her to there
while she follows... at which point she is thinking thief? Rapists? I don't know this guy why is he carriing stuff for me. She steps in the apartment
and he puts the bag(s) down and leaves. She is stunned. Later have him keep randomly helping people out and wandering off when he is done. He only has to
help with minor stuff really. Stuff that takes a minute or two. Someone drops something pick it up and drop it back in their bag. The kind of helpful stuff
that he can think of as not a big deal, but that adds up. Random acts of kindness that he does habitually, which attracts people, before his nature freaks
them out.
I big error in the second half of the first part is that Rei is the one that doesn't know they are dating... it should be the under socialized Zeke.
Others think he knows already, because it is 'so obvious', but as no one has bothered to tell him what was going on. Not that Rei has to know
either... you can use it as an excuse to mellow her anti-men thing to the level you can have her end up in Kanami and Sosuke's class. She won't be
fully comfortable with them... but should be funtional around them... that and Kanami and her can share yelling at Sosuke, for being himself, for doing weird
things. Having him do things like use exposives on random letters in his locker should make the rest of the guys seem normal in compairison.
The second version started off like Gantz really... only at least one guy was coherent and thoughtful enough to pull him off the tracks. Not speaking Japanese
well means he has to slow down and think of what he is going to say... which he shouldn't be doing in English much. I mean under socialization combined
with actively trying no to fit a mold and his fast and loose (externally at least) train of thought and acction is what makes people freak.
The bit with the Rei and inviting her in isn't bad. Though having him invite her in, because of the grumbly belly and not a for smary reasons works
well... having him already working with stuff on the table and her asking what this stuff is a more brainstorming thread in character thing. Having him notice
her aura after she brings it up or after casting the runes (at which point he trances to confirm the reading) makes more sense... then comes the 'Are you a
witch?' thing... also she will have reason to keep him distracted at the temple. That way he won't actually scan the rest of the scouts and ask why
exactly they magical auras for no reason.
The best way to have him start a realistic bond with Sosuke is to have them dragged along by the then befriended girls (every shopping trip goes better with
pack mules after all) and spend their time discussing how they both get something *waves hands around nebulously* profound just happened but neither of them
know what. Mutual confusion is shared misery and that is something to start a friendship on.
Lastly, I think the other thing that is setting off SI censors is the random and seemly out of character martial arts thing... combined with the kendo mention.
This is a tinker/shaman. I mean you can write off the wilderness survival training and stalking as related to training as a shaman. All that wandering
around and finding those always helpful for mystical meditations hallucination inducing plants... and teaching kids to hunt in the wild is a good way to get
them to stop complaining about being hungry. Military father can even mean gun training. Leaving in a skill gap in the Hand to hand area gives him a tangible
weakness. Though having him learn the ancient art of out running away fast... fast like you just enrange a pack of wild boars would come in handy for later
plot points.