ROTFL: Can has Cheeseburger?

[Bob Schroeck]

I have just stumbled across http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3038705/1/G ... _Gabrielle]G is for Gabrielle, a somewhat older Harry Potter fic (with a most unlikely shipping -- Gabrielle Delacoeur and George Weasley), and its second chapter has a two passages I wanted to share. The first is about Gabrielle, ensconced at the Burrow before Bill and Fleur's wedding, going over an odd, old book her grandmother had given her before she left for England:

Reading the book was more of a problem than expected. It was written in French, but it was Old French, when spelling and grammar were more haphazard. Also, words she didn't recognize or didn't exist anymore were mixed in with Latin phrases. Gabrielle thought she got the gist of most of it.

The book, Gabrielle deduced, was really in three parts. The first part basically covered how to attract a warrior to your side. It was actually pretty tame compared to the flirting tips in the muggle women's magazines she read while Fleur tried on clothes. The second part covered what to do with the warrior once you got one. Getting a warrior was now something that Gabrielle intended to avoid as long as possible. She had not needed to work out the text for this part of the book. The drawings were extensive, detailed, and, Gabrielle thought, highly unlikely. She cringed recalling the 'fourth devotion'. That could just not be possible. She wished she could ask Fleur about it, or even her Maman, but then that would lead them to knowing she had looked at the book.

The third section covered sending the warrior into battle. There were a number of rituals to protect the warrior, to motivate the warrior, and to add to his fighting prowess. There was even a ritual to bring about a warrior's defeat. Gabrielle supposed this was for when you wanted a new warrior, or perhaps if you wanted to stop the 'devotions'.

Even though the third part was describing a kind of ritual magic that could make a warrior supposedly invincible in battle, a magic that Gabrielle could potentially do, she found it far more believable than the second section. She would love to use the defeat curse on the toaster back home - it still burned her toast occasionally, even after she had chipped a bit off of it as a warning using the knife from Gaston. Unfortunately, the rituals in the book all took a lot of time, a lot of candles, and not a lot of clothes. There was also a lot of mention of the 'blood sacrifice'. That wasn't too appealing. Gabrielle couldn't imagine her Maman's reaction if she caught Gabrielle surrounded by candles marking out a pentagram, writhing naked on top of the toaster, chanting in Latin and waving a dead rat.

And then there's this dinner scene:

There was a seat open next to Fleur, one open next to Mr. Weasley, and another open next to George. It was obvious that she was supposed the sit next to Fleur. The seat next to Mr. Weasley was for his wife, and no Weasley besides Bill ever sat next to Fleur by choice. Ginny wouldn't be coming down, though. Gabrielle decided to sit between the twins again, and just for fun tapped George on the shoulder and demanded imperiously, "Oy! Birge up!"

George looked at her blankly, then at Fred. Fred said, "I'm not the one for languages. Try speaking slowly and loudly to her."

Gabrielle decided that it hadn't sounded right, and tried again tentatively, "Booj up?"

"(Tell me, has the circus come to town? Why are you dressed as a clown?)" Fleur scolded after noticing Gabrielle.

"(It is a hideous dress, isn't it? I found it in my trunk. I don't know who packed it,)" Gabrielle replied. "Boodge up?" The twins were making faces and gesturing at her now trying to show they didn't understand. It was difficult to not laugh.

"(You look like a diseased chicken with those striped socks. It is embarrassing our family,)" declared Fleur.

"(Think of them as stems for the ridiculous flowers stuck on the front of this horrid rag,)" snapped Gabrielle.

"I think 'budge' is the word you're looking for, dear," whispered Mrs. Weasley as she went past. She glanced at Gabrielle's legs, then at Fleur, and smiled.

"Oy! Budge up!" Gabrielle exclaimed. She knew it was something like that. Fred jumped to his feet, grabbed his plate, and started pushing Harry over. "You heard her highness, budge up!"

Harry hit the ground with a shout, but came up laughing and shoving at Ron. Ron slid halfway onto Tonks seat, his ears quite pink. Tonks lowered her shoulder and bulled her way onto Shack's seat. The bald auror looked at Moody, who glared back at him with the magical eye first then his real one too, and went to the other side of Moody and sat in Bill's lap. Bill, laughing loudly, rolled out from beneath Shack and scooped up Fleur. She squealed in surprise. Bill deposited her into the open seat that was next to her and kissed her.

"I have 'boojed'," announced Fred amid the shuffling of plates as people reclaimed their dinners. Gabrielle looked at the twins who were now dramatically indicating the open seat between them. She sat down.

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.