Necratoid makes a point I'd intended to raise. The changed font to indicate a change in point of view is an OK touch, but if your font gets altered against
your intentions (for instance, cutting-and-pasting text in Word will sometimes change the font to something that has no relation to
either what was pasted or the area into which it was pasted), your reader may be left floundering. Putting in some other indicator as well would be a good
idea.
Occasional spelling errors and missing or possibly incorrect punctuation. Well, that's why it's a draft.
One stylistic quibble raised my hackles so much that I'm going to mention it here:
Let me explain why before you rig me for keelhauling. First, "the rest of the Senshi"? It seems to be
all of the currently known (to young Darkwood, at least) Senshi, so speaking of them -- twice in one sentence -- as "the rest of
the Senshi" is ... odd. "The rest of" could apply if referring to a prior exception, that is, "Sailor Asteroid Belt doesn't agree, but
the rest of the Senshi...."
Second, as I implied, using the same phrasing twice in the same sentence is troublesome. Also, why, in the second use, would Luna differentiate Rei from the
other Senshi? Not to mention that they're talking about erasing his memories "of Rei and the rest of the Senshi" but
not of the talking cats. Yes, that should go without saying, but just saying "us" eliminates that
nitpick.
Third, the use of "myself" in this case: would you say, "Myself thinks the Enterprise is built on the lines of a garbage scow"?
Not if you're speaking your native language, you wouldn't. (And don't say it in front of Scotty in any case.) So you
still don't use it as part of a compound subject.
I will now get off my soapbox before people start throwing things.
-----
Big Brother is watching you. And damn, you are so bloody BORING.
your intentions (for instance, cutting-and-pasting text in Word will sometimes change the font to something that has no relation to
either what was pasted or the area into which it was pasted), your reader may be left floundering. Putting in some other indicator as well would be a good
idea.
Occasional spelling errors and missing or possibly incorrect punctuation. Well, that's why it's a draft.
One stylistic quibble raised my hackles so much that I'm going to mention it here:
Quote: the rest of the Senshi, Artemis and myself felt it would be best to erase your memories of Rei and the restI for one think it'd flow a lot better as, "the Senshi, Artemis, and I felt it would be best to erase your memories of us."
of the Senshi."
Let me explain why before you rig me for keelhauling. First, "the rest of the Senshi"? It seems to be
all of the currently known (to young Darkwood, at least) Senshi, so speaking of them -- twice in one sentence -- as "the rest of
the Senshi" is ... odd. "The rest of" could apply if referring to a prior exception, that is, "Sailor Asteroid Belt doesn't agree, but
the rest of the Senshi...."
Second, as I implied, using the same phrasing twice in the same sentence is troublesome. Also, why, in the second use, would Luna differentiate Rei from the
other Senshi? Not to mention that they're talking about erasing his memories "of Rei and the rest of the Senshi" but
not of the talking cats. Yes, that should go without saying, but just saying "us" eliminates that
nitpick.
Third, the use of "myself" in this case: would you say, "Myself thinks the Enterprise is built on the lines of a garbage scow"?
Not if you're speaking your native language, you wouldn't. (And don't say it in front of Scotty in any case.) So you
still don't use it as part of a compound subject.
I will now get off my soapbox before people start throwing things.
-----
Big Brother is watching you. And damn, you are so bloody BORING.