Quite good, overall - this chapter introduces a new member of the "harem" (for want of a better word) without slighting either her or the existing
lady in Zeke's life.
One jarring bit, though - the first section in which Lum makes an appearance switches from third-person to first-person midway through. It should be one or the
other all the way through.
(Oh, and unless they're Hawaiian, "lei lines" should be "ley lines". A spelling-checker won't catch that one.)
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012
lady in Zeke's life.
One jarring bit, though - the first section in which Lum makes an appearance switches from third-person to first-person midway through. It should be one or the
other all the way through.
(Oh, and unless they're Hawaiian, "lei lines" should be "ley lines". A spelling-checker won't catch that one.)
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012