Mm. Almost all of this is familiar to me, except for the very ending. Loving the story, especially the Zeke-Rei interaction, which seems very very real.
A few nitpicks:
"Lei line" = a series of Hawaiian flower necklaces; "ley line" = a flow of magical energy
"He only hoped that the realization came sooner than later" -- you have a missing word; this probably should be something like "He only hoped that the realization came sooner rather than later".
"and the touch of honey allowed it to slide past my gullet with pleasant ease." "Gullet" is an odd choice of word here. It's more often associated with animals or is used comically; it seems out of place in such a serious moment, especially for Rei.
"I looked to my Father and the expression on his face was taught" -- You mean "taut", which means "stretched, tight". "Taught" is the past tense of "teach".
"She did, and wow, she's you're daughter?" -- "your"
"Between your beauty and your position in our family, everyone with a Y-chromosome practically grovels at your feet and you, my daughter, have grown too soft and complacent! It's about time someone threw something other than flowers at your feet." -- The repetition of "at your feet" makes this sound clumsy; I suggest changing the second instance to just "at you".
"When he is fully grown he will impose a very stately figure" -- This is a strange phrasing; "impose" is not really the right verb here. I suspect you wanted to say something more like "he will be very imposing" or "he will be a very stately figure", or even "he will cut a very stately figure", although that's such a native English-speaker usage that I don't think it really works as translated Japanese.
"Your grandfather mentioned that you love the traditional breakfast when you were little." -- Verb tense -- "loved". Or did you mean "Your grandfather mentioned that you love the traditional breakfast you always ate when you were little" or something like that?
The last sentence is in the wrong font for the character speaking, unless you're intending a surprise POV change.
I think there are a couple other things on this level in the chapter before the "lei line" sentence, but I can't find them now, and I'm out of time.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.
A few nitpicks:
"Lei line" = a series of Hawaiian flower necklaces; "ley line" = a flow of magical energy
"He only hoped that the realization came sooner than later" -- you have a missing word; this probably should be something like "He only hoped that the realization came sooner rather than later".
"and the touch of honey allowed it to slide past my gullet with pleasant ease." "Gullet" is an odd choice of word here. It's more often associated with animals or is used comically; it seems out of place in such a serious moment, especially for Rei.
"I looked to my Father and the expression on his face was taught" -- You mean "taut", which means "stretched, tight". "Taught" is the past tense of "teach".
"She did, and wow, she's you're daughter?" -- "your"
"Between your beauty and your position in our family, everyone with a Y-chromosome practically grovels at your feet and you, my daughter, have grown too soft and complacent! It's about time someone threw something other than flowers at your feet." -- The repetition of "at your feet" makes this sound clumsy; I suggest changing the second instance to just "at you".
"When he is fully grown he will impose a very stately figure" -- This is a strange phrasing; "impose" is not really the right verb here. I suspect you wanted to say something more like "he will be very imposing" or "he will be a very stately figure", or even "he will cut a very stately figure", although that's such a native English-speaker usage that I don't think it really works as translated Japanese.
"Your grandfather mentioned that you love the traditional breakfast when you were little." -- Verb tense -- "loved". Or did you mean "Your grandfather mentioned that you love the traditional breakfast you always ate when you were little" or something like that?
The last sentence is in the wrong font for the character speaking, unless you're intending a surprise POV change.
I think there are a couple other things on this level in the chapter before the "lei line" sentence, but I can't find them now, and I'm out of time.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.