ROTFL: MAO!

[Jorlem]

Harry presented an odd sight as he made his entrance into the Great
Hall on the first day of the third week of class. On his left shoulder
sat his owl, Hedwig who was occupied by shooting predatory gazes at the
extremely nervous chicken on his right shoulder.
It was Hermione
that broke the silence, unable to contain her curiosity. "Why do you
have a chicken on your shoulder, Harry?" She really hoped that this
wouldn't be a repeat of the tattoo conversation.
"I don't have a
chicken on my shoulder," Harry snapped. "And I think that you owe Hedwig
an apology for confusing her for a chicken."
"Preck!" the owl agreed.
"I
wasn't talking about Hedwig." Hermione sighed, it was going to be one
of those days. "I was talking about the bird on your other shoulder."
"You mean my new phoenix?" Harry asked, shooting the bird a pride filled look.
Hermione closed her eyes and counted to ten. "That's a chicken, Harry."
"He's a phoenix, Hermione." Harry took the bird off his shoulder and waved it in the girl's face. "See?"
"Phoenixes
are on fire and why does that bird smell strongly of naphtha?"
Hermione's eyes widened in shock. "Don't you dar . . ."
Harry ignited the naphtha and watched proudly as the flaming panicking chicken ran back and fourth. "You were saying?"
"A burning chicken is not a phoenix," Hermione said flatly.
"But the flames aren't hurting him," Harry protested. "That's definite phoenix behavior."
"Casting a flame freezing charm on a chicken before setting it on fire still doesn't make it a phoenix," Hermione said firmly.
"You're just jealous that I have a phoenix and you don't," Harry sniffed.

And later...

"I . . ." Hermione closed her eyes as another wave of
stupidity washed over her. "I think you should pull Hedwig off of your
'phoenix' unless you know where you can find another one."
"No, Hedwig!" Harry said firmly, pulling his owl off the traumatized chicken. "Bad owl. You can not eat my phoenix."
"Preck!" Hedwig cursed. Foiled again.
"But
if you absolutely must sate your hunger for the flesh of an immortal
magical bird, then eat the one Dumbledore has in his office. This one is
mine."
"Preck!" Hedwig cheered. The owl launched herself off of Harry's shoulder and soared out of the Great Hall.
She
returned a couple hours later looking a bit plumper then normal at
which time the owl reclaimed her normal spot and promptly fell asleep on
Harry's shoulder. Where she was and what she was doing is probably
unimportant and not worth expanding upon at all.
"Hello, Harry," a distracted looking Headmaster greeted the boy. "You haven't seen Fawkes, have you?"

Also:

"Hey, look out the window," Sirius called out. "You ever see so many Aurors in one place before?"
"Nope, wonder what they want?" Harry scratched his chin. "Sirius?"
"Yeah, Harry?"
"We ever get around to clearing your name?"
". . . . guess that explains the Aurors," Sirius said thoughtfully. "Sevvy, you provide a distraction while I escape."
Sevvy gave his partner in crime a drunken thumbs up before lurching off to do god knows what.

From Rorschach's Blot's Odd Ideas #112.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.