Quote:
[i]Archer films presents
…
IN MEMORY OF ARCHER!
"That asshole…" Rin kept on growling. "That asshole!"
Starring…
The dashingly handsome ARCHER!
"I'll kill him," Rin said. "So help me, come the next War, I'm finding a way to summon him back just so I can kill him again!"
Specially dedicated to… the goddess of the Zettai Ryouiki, Tohsaka Rin, who I hope doesn't intend to do something stupid, like waiting the next few decades to join the next Holy Grail War to summon me just so she can kill me herself!
Rin began to sound like she was choking.
"Shh, it's starting!" Kuro hushed. "Pass the popcorn!"
The opening credits of the CD that had arrived by courier finished rolling, and everyone was treated to the view of a giant eye. The film quality was very grainy and sort of spastic, with odd starts and stops, but was mostly viewable. In the lower corner was an actively running timestamp, dated several days go, in the early hours of the morning.
"Testing, one, two, three," Archer's unmistakable voice said, only slightly marred by a few strange echoes and breathy noises, like wind blowing over something. The eye drew back, revealing Archer wearing a pair of wireless plastic headphones, its microphone in front of his mouth. As he came into view, so did the rest of the room.
Shiro blinked. "What the… is that my room?"
Archer settled down on a chair in front of the camera– which, judging from its quality, was clearly a webcam– fingers steepled together Ikari Gendo-style. The room behind him was dark, the only illumination coming from a lamp next to him. Still, the background was easily distinguishable as Shiro's room. Shiro, in fact, could be seen sleeping in the background, drool trailing from his mouth and a snot bubble growing on one nostril.
"Yes," Archer said once he seemed to have gotten comfortable. "This is your room, Shiro. Lancer, I am assigning you the task of Shiro-monitor. Please keep him from saying anything stupid for the duration of this video. I don't have a lot of time, and really, he kind of gets on my nerves." Archer looked over his shoulder at the sleeping Shiro as he said this, then resumed facing the screen. "Right, I might as well get this out of the way right now to prevent charges from being pressed. I, the Servant Archer, a participant of the Fifth Holy Grail War, summoned by the Master Tohsaka Rin, also a participant of the Holy Grail War, hereby absolve the group of Belkan Knights known as the Wolkenritter, specifically the knights Zafira, Signum and Vita, of any responsibility in my demise. I seemed perfectly alive and healthy when they left, and really, I'd just kicked their asses. They had no way of knowing I'd die soon after. My death is the direct result of my actions and decisions, and they bear no responsibility for it whatsoever. Please contact Green Lantern-chan and the TSAB as soon as possible so they can drop any attached murder charges." Archer paused to think a moment. "Yes, I do believe that's it. So, everyone, if you are watching this disc, that means I've died in the forest, and everything has gone exactly as planned."
Everyone watching blinked. The sound of teeth grinding began to rise.
"Yes, strange as it is to believe, most of what has happened so far is due to a very complex and many-faceted plan, which I have yet to come up with," Archer said cheerfully amidst the teeth grinding. "Hey, Rin only summoned me a few hours ago and I only just finished cleaning up the mess that resulted in my," he grinned, "completely and one hundred percent successful summoning which did not result in any form of amnesia whatsoever. Give me a few hours and I'd have worked something out by then."
"YOU BASTARD!"" Rin cried. "You evil, lying bastard!"
"I will hasten to point out that the Servant summoned without a proper catalyst inevitably leads to a Master being paired with a Servant who is very similar to the Master," Archer said. "So watch what you say about me, Rin-chan."
Rin twitched. "Did he just call me 'RIN-CHAN'?"
"How the hell does he know how she's going to react to this?" Lancer asked.
"I'm just that awesome, Lancer," Archer in the screen said.
Lancer twitched. "Okay, that's just creepy."
[/i]
FATE: Holy Grail War of 2814
My apologies for the huge section, but it was kind of hard to only pick out one part and it's not funny without the context of Archer being dead and this being his last testament.
D for Drakensis
You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.