ROTFL: MAO!

[ECSNorway]

From 'The Third Magic', a ZnT/FSN crossover in which Louise summons Ilyasviel.
Spoilertagged because long.

Spoiler

The Third Magic

A Familiar of Zero / Fate/Stay Night Story

Created in collaboration with Alfheim Wanderer

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Among the Heroic Spirits, there was one who stood head and shoulders
above the others in terms of raw strength. This was Heracles, son of
Zeus, whose name was synonymous with power, against whom no mortal could
long endure. Indeed, in the legends of his deeds, only the gods had
been able to play the part of a lasting antagonist, as all others had
been felled by mere fraction of his might. In terms of divine mystery
and age, he was nigh unrivalled, and were it not for the constraints of
the Servant system and the berserker craze that had robbed of his sanity
during the Holy Grail War, leaving only a shard of himself behind, he
would have been unmatched.

(Except by Gilgamesh, but then almost everything was an exception where the King of Heroes was concerned).

Still, his strength was why he had been chosen as the Einzbern Servant,
from the many heroes of legends in his native world, and why he had been
called to this place. And it showed in his upkeep, as to be his Master
in this most dangerous game of death, one needed to have ridiculously
high amounts of prana.

But now, in the fullness of his power, Heracles faced a trial unlike anything he had ever known.

For all his divine might and legendary cunning, he stood fearful before
his task, a daunting charge that had claimed the souls of many lesser
men and women.

Against this final obstacle, the world's strongest hero stood alone ...

... as Illyasviel mumbled incoherently before snuggling even closer up against Louise.

‘The little pink thing and the Master need to wake for class, but how do I do so?'
Heracles wondered. Of all the dangerous feats he had undertaken, this
one was far and above the worst, given the conditions, what was expected
of him, and how little he had had to use. Perhaps he would even need to
give one of his twelve lives, his last resort, in order to wake them.
Even after all the children he'd reared in his time, he had no idea how
to wake them both and come out unscathed.

‘Ah, too late,' he thought as his eyes wandered to the snoozing
faces, so rosy and content. Sometime during the night, Illyasviel had
kicked off the covers and the two girls wearing identical, translucent
negligees had turned to each other for warmth. Now that he made his
mistake of looking directly down at the two girls, Heracles felt his
willpower drain as he became paralyzed by the adorable sight. 'Too...what is the word? Cute.'

After a few minutes passed, Heracles shook his head, snapping himself out of his daze. ‘I must be strong for the little Lady!'
His trembling hands crawled to the girls from one side of the bed,
fearing that in his rapture, he might accidentally harm one of his
wards. So, as gently as he could (which was surprisingly so, given his
size!), Heracles used his forefingers to tap the soft cheeks of the
girls, a task that was made rather difficult, as his fingers were twice
as thick as either girl's thighs.

"Munyuua," both girls groaned, almost like an echo, as both raised a hand to lazily slap away the offending appendage.

"... Little Lady, Pinkie," Heracles whispered distraughtly, trying to
restrain his voice so it would seem he was roaring. "It's time to wake
up."

This time, Heracles poked against the petite girls' shoulders. His soft
thrust only prompted the girls to roll away from his finger.

"Uwagha," the girls mumble in unison, once again shrugging off his attempts to rouse them from their slumber.

Clearly, this was going to be more difficult than he thought.

Still, Heracles was not one of the greatest heroes of legend for
nothing, and upon realizing that mere poking would not work, the leaden
giant switched tactics.

He tried nudging the girls, but his titanic strength caused to girls to
roll across the bed. Panicking, Heracles raced to the other side of the
bed to stop them from falling off the bed. But as Louise reached the
edge, she just bounced off him and started rolling the other way.

With the speed only a Heroic Spirit was capable of, Heracles passed
through the bed to materialize on the other side, managing to stop
Illyasviel from falling off the bed. Alas, the snow fairy did not wake.
All his hard work only resulted in a change from Illyasviel spooning and
grinding against Louise in her sleep to Louise spooning and groping
Illyasviel in her sleep.

Puzzled, Heracles scratched his head, trying to recall how the maids had
woken the little Lady, during the days of the Holy Grail War? Ah, yes,
the Sella-Maid either rolled Illyasviel out of bed or tossed cold water
on the little Lady's face.

That wouldn't do.

‘Oh, that's right!' Heracles bumped his fist to his palm in realization. The Leysritt-Maid had once suggested tickling the little Lady awake! ‘Now, how do I do that when they are the size of my hands... ?'

Heracles scratched his head again.

He carefully plucked two feathers from pillows the girls snoozed on and
tickled their noses. This seemed to have an effect on the girls, but
rather than waking up, the girls went into even deeper sleep.

As one, both girls dragged the covers over their heads, mumbling, "Munya."

Heracles scratched his head again.

This time, he went to the girl's exposed feet. It was truly cruel, what
he was about to do to the two little Ladies, but his duty demanded it.
He took the feathers and tickled the girl's rosy soles.

At first, the tiny feet shifted and moved, trying to escape Heracles'
ruthless tickling. However, the two girls were mere mortals and could
not measure up to the Heroic Spirit's awesome tickling ability (Rank B).
After five minutes of combat against the Tickle, the two pairs of tiny
feet shrank into the safety of the covers, leaving Heracles alone once
more.

Heracles frowned and scratched his head again.

Heracles sighed, and tried to pry to covers from the tiny hands, save
that the girls clutched it so hard, the gentle giant's restrained pulls
were not enough!

"Master," he rumbled softly, "It's time for school... "

It seemed the girls were not going to make this easy for him. That's
fine, Heracles realized, he was always up for a challenge. This time, he
pulled harder...

...Way too hard!

The covers flew out of bed, flipping the girls into the air, before they
plopped back down onto the bed. Heracles stared incredulously.

'Perhaps the little Ladies are playing with me? How are they still asleep after all that?'

Truly it was a great puzzle for the ages.

"Master," he rumbled again, this time a little louder...

...Way too loud!

Both girls' heads shot up, smashing into Heracles' forehead! But while
the adamantine giant had God Hand to protect him from such jolts, the
two girls were rather less fortunate.

"Mugyuuu... " Both girls cried, with tears welling up in their eyes as they
rubbed their bruised foreheads....and then promptly collapsed back onto
the bed, snoring.

Heracles stared before muttering to himself, "... Cold water it is then,
but the little Lady would scold me. And maybe even hit me."

Sighing, he knew he had no other choice.

Heracles dug his fingers under the girls and gently lifted them out of
the bed. In a single movement, he scooped up a girl in each hand and
plopped them down next to each on the side of the bed, in sitting
positions. The girls froze for just a second before falling back onto
the fluffy covers below them.

"Pogiya... "

"I apologize for this ahead of time, my Master," Heracles muttered as he
rifled through the little pink thing's closet. He then undressed the
girls delicately, taking care to slip the negligees off of the girls
without disturbing them too much as they squirmed and snuggle together.
Luckily Heracles' hands were swift as lightning and got the silky
transparent white clothing off of the girls before they realized what
was going on.

In the next few minutes, Heracles took his time to dress each of the
girls. By the time he was done, they were in the pink thing's student
uniforms, and still cuddled up against each other.

Heracles sighed again.

"I'm sorry for this, my Master... but it seems I have no choice. Noble Phantasm: Hundred Tickling Hands!"
Heracles' hands sped up as he tickled the girls a hundred times
simultaneously. The effect was devastating; both girls were completely
defenseless against the onslaught of the Heroic Spirit's mighty power.

"Wuah! Hahaha!" Illyasviel yelped and jumped up just too far and hit her
head on the side of the bedpost, falling off the bed. Louise was not as
strong as her familiar and was left a wiggling mass of pink giggling
blob by the end of Heracles' labors.

"Ow!" Illyasviel moaned, clutching her doubly wounded head.

Louise wiped the tears and dust from her eyes and blinked. "You,
you're... " She paused as her mind finally booted. "Ah, that's right, I
summoned you yesterday!" She said before frowning. "And how did I get
dressed... ?"

"Oh good morning, Archer!" Illyasviel called cheerfully from the ground
where she was still clutching her head, "and good morning to you too,
Louise!"

"I told you, call me Master -- " Louise said with her eyes closed in
annoyance, before managing to collect herself and looking up--only to
see the hulking form of Archer. "Eep!"

"It's time for class, little Ladies," Heracles spoke in a voice that
sounded more like a growl than anyone was comfortable with. "Further,
you have a guest at the door, though she has been there for a few
minutes, Pink Supervisor." With that, Heracles reverted to his spirit
form, only keeping his link to Illyasviel's mind open.

"Well then," Illyasviel said to the somewhat speechless Louise, "I would
say it is good manners to greet your guest, right Master?"

"... Manners, right... " Louise mumbled. Where...where had the colossus in her
room gone? It had been there only a second ago, right? ...or was she
seeing things again? "Ugh..." All the pinkette wanted to go back to bed
and dream of fluffy manticores, and now she was being denied even that.

'It's too early in the morning for this... !'

--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.