ROTFL: MAO!

[Jorlem]

From
Shadowjack's Evangelion fanworks thread.

Shadowjack wrote:

---

"Cave Johnson, here, speaking for the Committee! Now you, pilot, are a
member of the few, the proud, the elite. …Excuse me, wrong card, here.
You, pilot candidate, are in testing to become a member of
the few. Right now there a whole lot of you, and we've got to whittle
your numbers down to something manageable. So, get out there and show us
what you can do! Good luck, we're behind you all the way! Now our
sensors indicate the approach of what we like to call an 'Angel', so
step right along the yellow line there and proceed quickly to the next
station. If you're smoking, and given your age you shouldn't be, please
extinguish your butts before entering the next area. The special coolant
liquid in the tanks below you is perfectly safe, but it also perfectly
flammable. You should have seen what happened to the technicians who
discovered that little factoid. Heh! Now, to your right you will
see your Evangelion, NERV's newest anthromorphic, semi-autonomous combat
system, with a highly user-friendly interface and all the latest
defense systems, including our patented AT Field. I am not kidding when I
tell you that should you survive entry, you cannot be safer anywhere in
the world than in your Eva. Unfortunately, the files indicating which
unit goes with which pilot have been lost, so just pick your favorite
color and climb the ladder! Please report any unusual movements or
sensations as you enter the cockpit. Okay, now how come I can say,
'cockpit', but I can't—" *click*

and

Psychopomp wrote:

---

"Alright, gentlemen, I'll admit it. The Aperture Science Antarctic
Climate Change Confirmation Expedition didn't go as planned. As you may
be aware, we found a giant alien entity under the ice. Lab boys tell
me it was down there since the beginning of life on this planet as we
know it. Maybe longer. Now, you can't just let sleeping giants of
light lie, that's bad science! So our boys down south poked it with a
science stick, and boy did it not like that!

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Cave,' says that little voice in
your heads, 'you wiped out half of humanity, why should we keep
listening to you?' First of all, let me just say that Legal says that I
shouldn't admit to wiping out half of anything, so I'm not. Second, we
at Aperture believe that one man's near-extinction event is every other
man's opportunity!

The bad news is that half of people are gone. Good riddance, says I!
Solved overpopulation neatly, now didn't it? Never hear anyone thanking
anyone for that! Also, the oceans may be ruined for the support of sea
life. Okay, not a problem. I always preferred beef anyway.

The good news is that the boys down south managed to secure what the lab
boys are calling a "viable genetic sample". One of the men stuck it in
an escape pod with his little girl. Only survivor, that girl. Helluva
man! Helluva father.

What this means is that Aperture can start right away on our latest
project: the Evangelion self-motive semi-autonomous humanoid weapon!
See, we figure where there's one giant monster that is able to nearly
destroy humanity, there's bound to be a few more! Got the studies right
here, pass 'em around. But I can go ahead and tell you, it's damn good
science. That's what we do.

So anyway, we're going to make a couple of clones from the sample we've
got, lobotomize them, slap some electronics and armor plating in there,
tart 'em up with some shiny paintwork, and by golly, no one will ever be
able to tell they're not giant robots! The public will feel safer and
we'll have something to fight the next exploding light bastard what
decides to empty out the ol' cradle.

I'm not going to sugar coat this, gentlemen. There's some kinks in the
system. For one, the things don't have souls, and the lab boys say
that's a problem. But hey, don't worry...all we need is for you to send
some of those fine folks at the Artificial Evolution Lab to coordinate
on this project. With their soul scanner doohickies and Aperture's
uncompromising drive toward new and better science, we'll figure out a
way to put a ghost in the machine, so to speak! Once we overcome the
no-naturally-developed-soul issue, we can start working out evaluation
criteria for future pilot candidates! Lab boys have been running
preliminaries and are coming up with an age range of 12 to 16. Legal is
having fits, but we'll pull off that end zone run around when we come
to it.

So there you have it, gentlemen. Aperture is proposing to clone the
monster than nearly killed us all to produce a soulless killing machine
sporting the deadliest military hardware piloted by emotionally
malleable children! And we're ready to pull the switch, as soon as we
get your go-ahead on the collaboration with the eggheads at Hakone.

So, are we ready to discuss funding grants here, or what?"

-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.