I remember reading this some time ago. If I'm not mistaken, it's actually been recommended here independently of your posts.
I'll probably have to take another look later...but if I recall the story right, you had a pretty good thing going with the viewpoint character...pretty much constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That was well done, and I felt it worked.
As you point out, it's a challenge to depict a main character that evokes a sense of pathos from the reader, without it swerving into I wanna punch some sense into this emo kid territory. That's a tough line to walk. That said, a certain level of angst fits the Evangelion universe, thematically...because, really, a hypercompetent perfect and confident hero is precisely what you don't want in an Evangelion fic. Unless you're aiming to subvert the series, of course. And that's not really your intent, I'm guessing.
What is your intent with the story, though? What kind of outcome are you leading towards? What kind of ending? What kind of tone and feel? Because if you're asking for technical critique and feedback on your writing...well, form matches function. For instance, is Noriko progressively getting her act together and making the world better? Or can she expect more and more curveballs? That's the sort of thing that might be helpful for a proofreader. Although if you intend to play your cards closer to the chest, and are merely looking for initial reactions to the new text, that's a different matter.
Are you looking for substantive comments or merely technical editing help, cleaning up grammar, phrasing, and the like?
Anyway, I'm also willing to proofread and comment if you're looking for a third opinion. Mostly technical commentary, mind; it's been a long time since I wore my literature critic hat. E-mail's acyl84, it's a gmail account.
-- Acyl
I'll probably have to take another look later...but if I recall the story right, you had a pretty good thing going with the viewpoint character...pretty much constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That was well done, and I felt it worked.
As you point out, it's a challenge to depict a main character that evokes a sense of pathos from the reader, without it swerving into I wanna punch some sense into this emo kid territory. That's a tough line to walk. That said, a certain level of angst fits the Evangelion universe, thematically...because, really, a hypercompetent perfect and confident hero is precisely what you don't want in an Evangelion fic. Unless you're aiming to subvert the series, of course. And that's not really your intent, I'm guessing.
What is your intent with the story, though? What kind of outcome are you leading towards? What kind of ending? What kind of tone and feel? Because if you're asking for technical critique and feedback on your writing...well, form matches function. For instance, is Noriko progressively getting her act together and making the world better? Or can she expect more and more curveballs? That's the sort of thing that might be helpful for a proofreader. Although if you intend to play your cards closer to the chest, and are merely looking for initial reactions to the new text, that's a different matter.
Are you looking for substantive comments or merely technical editing help, cleaning up grammar, phrasing, and the like?
Anyway, I'm also willing to proofread and comment if you're looking for a third opinion. Mostly technical commentary, mind; it's been a long time since I wore my literature critic hat. E-mail's acyl84, it's a gmail account.
-- Acyl