[RFC][DSKSWDYHMS] Redoing Chapter 1...

[Bob Schroeck]

Hm. I see a few things that could stand improvement, but overall good work as always.

Let's see.... In order:

A teenage boy looks through a portal on a Boeing? ?747-400? ?airliner

"Portal" usually means a door or entrance; did you mean "porthole"? (And even that isn't quite right, as airplane windows, to the best of my knowledge, are not generally called "portholes".)

His name is Ezekiel.

I'm sorry, but while technically well-written, the entire opening here is a massive infodump. Much of this might be better presented as the thoughts of Zeke's father, especially as a part of them already are, just presented at a remove. Mathieu could be pondering the bit of an enigma his son is at this point, which combined with the change to their lives the move is bringing, might just lead him to such introspective thoughts.

but not simply because he became disenchanted with other religions (in fact he actually has a great deal of respect for other reputable religions).

This isn't something the narrative voice should just lay out for the reader. It's something you should show via character action. In fact, much of the subsequent couple of paragraphs should be dealt with in an organic, dynamic manner -- perhaps by the expedient of showing Zeke thinking about his explorations along those lines, inspired by the sight of the elder Hino on the platform, and only shaking out of them when he realizes he's having a heart attack.

Beyond that, the station scene works very well.

I sighed to myself. It was a formality, something for the official record.

You unexpectedly and without warning switch out of third person to first here and stay in it for the rest of the scene.

I understand that American can seem strange to the Japanese

Pluralization -- "Americans".

Do a little footwork next time.

Unless Zeke is deliberately malapropping, you mean "legwork".

wealthy and affluent

"Wealthy" and "affluent" mean almost exactly the same thing. Did you perhaps mean "wealthy and influential"?

Just to keep up his appearance as a dutiful father.

"...the appearance of being..." would be a more standard usage.

a world-famous singer and actress and tour the world.

Repetition of "world" within a few words. Maybe "tour the globe"?

Of course, that just meant that she attracted a lot of attention from the opposite sex (and sometimes even the same sex). The real root of her issue with men is laid squarely at the feet of her father and the company that he keeps. In Rei’s mind, men are chauvinistic pigs who do not deserve her attention any more than decorum allows.

Again, more characterization dumped directly by the narrative voice into the reader's lap. This would be better provided by a short scene that demonstrates all this by her actions and speech. Even a brief flashback of her complaining about it to, say, Ami would be better than the narrative simply stating it outright. (If you haven't already seen it, you might want to check out my incomplete http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/guide/fwg.txt]guide for fic writers, specifically the section called "But Don't Reveal Everything Right Away". The title's a bit misleading, but it shows exactly what I'm talking about here.)

The curry scene is very good. Almost perfect.

Can't wait to see more of this new version.
-- Bob
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Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.