I Can Has ROFL Nyao? Or, The ROTFLMAO of the Catgirl

[DHBirr]

OK, this one is OLD. As in, I don't think anyone on this forum had been born yet when this was written. October 1930, no less. It's an insane crossover: The Song of Hiawatha with American merchandise (many of these products are so long out of business I'd never heard of them). The source listed the author as the Pied Typer, "with apologies to Longfellow." Enjoy.

Hear the legend of the Admen

Ere they conquered all creation.

In the Prophylactic forest

On the shores of Coca-Cola

Dwelt the Moxies in their wigwams

Old Sapolio, the chieftain,

Pebeco, the grizzled prophet,

And the warriors, young and eager.

In the lodge of the old chieftain

With Uneeda, more than mother,

And Victrola, old and feeble,

Lived the warmest of the maidens,

Musterole, Sapolio’s daughter—

Musterole, the Sunkist Chiclet.

All the young men sought her favor,

Left their trophies at her wigwam,

Brought her Thermos skins for raiment,

Brought her Tarvia for ointment:

And sweet Musterole smiled on them—

Smiled on Vaseline and Pointex,

Smiled on Danderine and Jell-o,

Smiled on Listerine and Valspar—

Smiled but left them unrequited,

For her love she gave to no one—

Frigidaire alone she gave them.

Then from Multibestos mountains

From the tribe of the Texacos,

Came the young chief, Instant Postum,

Mightiest hunter in the forest

All superb in strength and beauty,

He, it was who trapped the Kodak,

He, who shot the great Sears-Roebuck,

Eversharp his trusty hatchet,

Every arrow had a Hotpoint.

On him gazed the Moxie maidens—

Nujol poured her glowing glances,

Bold Carbona sought to win him,

Zonite brought him luscious Pyrene:

But for Musterole yearned Postum.

Through the fields of ripe Wheatena

Hand in hand the lovers wandered,

Seated then upon the White-Rock,

By the rippling Cuticura—

Safe beneath the Palmolive shadows,

From the boughs they picked the Grape-Nuts.

There they saw the sun descending,

Naught cared Postum for the night winds

Blowing through the Holeproof forest;

Musterole was there beside him.

To his bosom quick he drew her,

Held her to his manly bosom,

Whispered words with love aburning,

Told her how he’d caught the Sealpax,

Told her how he’d slain Bull Durham,

Told her how he’d trapped Ampico,

Boasted of his father’s tepee,

With its sides of Mentholatum

And its rugs of soft Sunoco.

To him, Musterole aquiver,

Listened and her heart gave answer.

All the warmth of love she gave him,

Gave her Rubberset affection,

Gave her heart to Instant Postum,

Thus he won her—thus he took her.

Passed the years in quick succession

Little fairies came to bless them,

Gold Dust twins and bright BVD,

Little Beechnut, Wrigley Spearmint,

Vici Kid and Pluto Water

Filled the wigwam with their laughter,

So they lived in happy union

Safe in peace and strong in warfare,

And their progeny continues,

Finds a place in town and hamlet

Known and loved by every mortal,

All the tribes are held in honor.

This the legend I have told you.
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By, the way, in the "not fanfic, but so funny I want to mention them anyway" category, consider these quotes from John G. Hemry's "Stark's War" trilogy:
"You tell Stacey Yurivan that if I hear one word about fresh flowers being sold on the black market, I'll post her on sentry duty at the lunar pole for so long she'll think she's a space penguin."
"Speaking of which, as I just reported, we're now at war with every country on Earth. That must be some kind of record."
Bev Manley nodded agreement. "I for one am proud. And with Ethan Stark leading us, this might be just the beginning. We may yet encounter an alien species and end up at war with them, too."
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Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.