Halp!
I've got a chunk of dialogue being observed and commented on by the protagonist. I'm using a first-person narrative mode, heavy on the internal commentary. (It's a hack of an exposition tool, but it should serve to get the wheels turning and get this story the hell out of $Starting_Town, which I expected to have left in the dust in a couple thousand words... ).
I'm not happy with the structure of the call and response of this. I'd like someone to sanity-check this, if anyone has a free moment to tell me how to unscrew 500-1000 words (I'm at 450 words right now, I'd say this scene is ~50% finished).
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies
I've got a chunk of dialogue being observed and commented on by the protagonist. I'm using a first-person narrative mode, heavy on the internal commentary. (It's a hack of an exposition tool, but it should serve to get the wheels turning and get this story the hell out of $Starting_Town, which I expected to have left in the dust in a couple thousand words... ).
I'm not happy with the structure of the call and response of this. I'd like someone to sanity-check this, if anyone has a free moment to tell me how to unscrew 500-1000 words (I'm at 450 words right now, I'd say this scene is ~50% finished).
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies