I've been enjoying this for some time.
I think it is fairly tightly put together.
I really like the relationships.
The cosmology, magic, and world building is fairly interesting.
I'm kind of wondering if Tsukasa's siblings are full siblings. If so, I had some thoughts about what that might imply about the scenario, but it has been long enough I'm not sure I can recapture then. Mainly speculation about whether her mother had been aware and willing.
I like the details of the fight scenes, especially the psychological. The sensory details, in general, are also good.
I have Nadeshiko written in as a possible 'nami daughter.
Sorry about not having this put together sooner. (I had a, I thought, very amusing and or obnoxious comment about the Ugly American line that got edited out.)
I look forward to more of this.
Oh, and I think the could of given half a head usage works, and is one that I have seen.
Chapter 1
For now, before the heat of the day kicked in, the apartment was only a bit warm, and Yoko dug into her breakfast with a will. when she opened her eyes, she found her father watching her, his own food untouched and a wistful smile on his face. “What?” she asked, a little creeped out.
When she
It was a few minutes later, when she got her bike - an ancient, half-rusted relic, but it worked - off of the rack by their apartment building’s parking, that the day started getting strange. The biggest bird she’d ever seen in person, a raven as long as her arm, was perched on the top of the rack, watching her. when she approached to unlock her bike, it flapped over to a nearby fence and cocked its head to keep staring at her with one dark eye.
When she
The walking dead, as impossible as it sounded... they were quicker and more agile in real life than in most games or fiction, but still less so than a healthy adult. No magic or acid vomit, and now bows or other ranged weapons save rotten javelins. Running was, in fact, what the sober, worried talking heads had recommended - most people in modern-day Tokyo weren’t athletic enough to properly outrun the untiring dead, but the few minutes they could keep ahead of the monsters were long enough for the Police and Japanese Self Defense Force units the government had stationed throughout the city to begin to respond.
no bows or other ranged weapons
Yoko was out of her crater and charging again before she realized it, riding a wave of fury that she knewwas mostly panic. It felt like running across a field of warm mud in her bare feet, and everything on the street was so very bright that she could see the shield that had repulsed her before, like a dome of dark smoke that left the false policeman half-visible at its center
she knew was mostly panic
chapter 2
The scene was surreal enough on its own - children huddled like a solid knot of disaster victims, surrounded by a protective ring of white-faced adults, all nervously watching the barred doors and blocked windows as the unfamiliar pop and chatter of gunfire, flavored with screams and shouted orders and warnings, went on outside - but the sudden appearance of a tiny pet rabbit with a samurai’s gauntlet strapped to the miniature harness it was wearing too the feeling of unreality to an entirely different level.
took the feeling of unreality
chapter 3
“Speak for yourself. I saw the bill the last time she did this.” Ei-chan held both of her hands up as thought to ward off the expense. Given her own slender - the unkind would and have said ‘rail thin’ - figure, she had cause for her horror.
“Outa-san,” izuna said, and held up her cell phone to show its ‘no signal’ warning, “Does your radio have reception?”
Izuna
“More than you!” she snapped back over her shoulder. Eiko had stumbled over a severed leg, distracted by the screaming as the monster-woman tore at the guards with superhuman strength and fingers that ended in kitchen knives; Izuna yanked her back on balance and dragged her behind her. Nadeshiko had the door to the small shop’s stock room open, and they poured through it, Nadeshiko, hanabi glancing over her shoulder, then Izuna, dragging Eiko, and finally Outa-san slammed the door behind them.
Hanabi
Hanabi squeaked loudly enough from the shock to provoke a fit of screeching and banging from the monster at the door, and Izuna whipped around with her hands raised in an automatic empty-hand stance even as Outa-san’s gone came up, tracking towards...
gun
Or maybe Gonne?
“Very well,” she said, and carefully, began to draw the blade. It was tricky - the quarters were cramped, and for some reason her father had thought it was a good idea to give her a massive nodachi as long as she was tall, rather a more conventional blade.
rather than a more
And then she thought a little more about thirty centimeters from the hilt, and blinked. “An homage to the Worochi-no-Aramasa?” she asked, fighting to think through the frisson of awe. That famous blade had been in the ancient tsurugi style, straight and double-edged, rather than the single-edged and slightly curved modern form that the nodachi was extended from.
First and last sentences bother me a little. Extended and thought seem like the wrong verbs somehow. I guess part of this is that the later expansion didn't make it into the text I was taking notes off of.
She resheathed the blade even more gingerly than she had drawn it, finally feeling just as croggled as her friends looked. “I think,” she said shakily, “that you had better tell me everything.”
I'd guess boggled rather than croggled
chapter 4
“Isn’t the time? Just like it’s never been the time to know anything, no matter how trivial?” She glared, years worth of words finally tumbling out. “There’s a hell of a lot of difference between keeping ‘Oh, hey, you’re a demigoddes’ under your hat and making half of everything I am into a total blank spot!”
demigoddess
“...It makes sense for her, since she said her mom always made jokes about her dad bein’ who he turns out ta be,” she finished, “but Sunshin an’ I never had a clue, and we still got prime names that turn out to be ban on and run into each other and hang out? Plus the way the crow and snake show up right on time?”
Sunshine bang
Izuna couldn’t really blame her for being in favor of more safety, not when the girl had looked green enough that her usual reaction for wanting to take a pretty girl in her arms hadn’t perked itself back into her consciousness until after her (cousin, dammit!) friend had started to cheer up.
maybe reason instead of reaction?
Is the policeman zombie in chapter one a Yasunori Kato cognate?
I think it is fairly tightly put together.
I really like the relationships.
The cosmology, magic, and world building is fairly interesting.
I'm kind of wondering if Tsukasa's siblings are full siblings. If so, I had some thoughts about what that might imply about the scenario, but it has been long enough I'm not sure I can recapture then. Mainly speculation about whether her mother had been aware and willing.
I like the details of the fight scenes, especially the psychological. The sensory details, in general, are also good.
I have Nadeshiko written in as a possible 'nami daughter.
Sorry about not having this put together sooner. (I had a, I thought, very amusing and or obnoxious comment about the Ugly American line that got edited out.)
I look forward to more of this.
Oh, and I think the could of given half a head usage works, and is one that I have seen.
Chapter 1
For now, before the heat of the day kicked in, the apartment was only a bit warm, and Yoko dug into her breakfast with a will. when she opened her eyes, she found her father watching her, his own food untouched and a wistful smile on his face. “What?” she asked, a little creeped out.
When she
It was a few minutes later, when she got her bike - an ancient, half-rusted relic, but it worked - off of the rack by their apartment building’s parking, that the day started getting strange. The biggest bird she’d ever seen in person, a raven as long as her arm, was perched on the top of the rack, watching her. when she approached to unlock her bike, it flapped over to a nearby fence and cocked its head to keep staring at her with one dark eye.
When she
The walking dead, as impossible as it sounded... they were quicker and more agile in real life than in most games or fiction, but still less so than a healthy adult. No magic or acid vomit, and now bows or other ranged weapons save rotten javelins. Running was, in fact, what the sober, worried talking heads had recommended - most people in modern-day Tokyo weren’t athletic enough to properly outrun the untiring dead, but the few minutes they could keep ahead of the monsters were long enough for the Police and Japanese Self Defense Force units the government had stationed throughout the city to begin to respond.
no bows or other ranged weapons
Yoko was out of her crater and charging again before she realized it, riding a wave of fury that she knewwas mostly panic. It felt like running across a field of warm mud in her bare feet, and everything on the street was so very bright that she could see the shield that had repulsed her before, like a dome of dark smoke that left the false policeman half-visible at its center
she knew was mostly panic
chapter 2
The scene was surreal enough on its own - children huddled like a solid knot of disaster victims, surrounded by a protective ring of white-faced adults, all nervously watching the barred doors and blocked windows as the unfamiliar pop and chatter of gunfire, flavored with screams and shouted orders and warnings, went on outside - but the sudden appearance of a tiny pet rabbit with a samurai’s gauntlet strapped to the miniature harness it was wearing too the feeling of unreality to an entirely different level.
took the feeling of unreality
chapter 3
“Speak for yourself. I saw the bill the last time she did this.” Ei-chan held both of her hands up as thought to ward off the expense. Given her own slender - the unkind would and have said ‘rail thin’ - figure, she had cause for her horror.
“Outa-san,” izuna said, and held up her cell phone to show its ‘no signal’ warning, “Does your radio have reception?”
Izuna
“More than you!” she snapped back over her shoulder. Eiko had stumbled over a severed leg, distracted by the screaming as the monster-woman tore at the guards with superhuman strength and fingers that ended in kitchen knives; Izuna yanked her back on balance and dragged her behind her. Nadeshiko had the door to the small shop’s stock room open, and they poured through it, Nadeshiko, hanabi glancing over her shoulder, then Izuna, dragging Eiko, and finally Outa-san slammed the door behind them.
Hanabi
Hanabi squeaked loudly enough from the shock to provoke a fit of screeching and banging from the monster at the door, and Izuna whipped around with her hands raised in an automatic empty-hand stance even as Outa-san’s gone came up, tracking towards...
gun
Or maybe Gonne?
“Very well,” she said, and carefully, began to draw the blade. It was tricky - the quarters were cramped, and for some reason her father had thought it was a good idea to give her a massive nodachi as long as she was tall, rather a more conventional blade.
rather than a more
And then she thought a little more about thirty centimeters from the hilt, and blinked. “An homage to the Worochi-no-Aramasa?” she asked, fighting to think through the frisson of awe. That famous blade had been in the ancient tsurugi style, straight and double-edged, rather than the single-edged and slightly curved modern form that the nodachi was extended from.
First and last sentences bother me a little. Extended and thought seem like the wrong verbs somehow. I guess part of this is that the later expansion didn't make it into the text I was taking notes off of.
She resheathed the blade even more gingerly than she had drawn it, finally feeling just as croggled as her friends looked. “I think,” she said shakily, “that you had better tell me everything.”
I'd guess boggled rather than croggled
chapter 4
“Isn’t the time? Just like it’s never been the time to know anything, no matter how trivial?” She glared, years worth of words finally tumbling out. “There’s a hell of a lot of difference between keeping ‘Oh, hey, you’re a demigoddes’ under your hat and making half of everything I am into a total blank spot!”
demigoddess
“...It makes sense for her, since she said her mom always made jokes about her dad bein’ who he turns out ta be,” she finished, “but Sunshin an’ I never had a clue, and we still got prime names that turn out to be ban on and run into each other and hang out? Plus the way the crow and snake show up right on time?”
Sunshine bang
Izuna couldn’t really blame her for being in favor of more safety, not when the girl had looked green enough that her usual reaction for wanting to take a pretty girl in her arms hadn’t perked itself back into her consciousness until after her (cousin, dammit!) friend had started to cheer up.
maybe reason instead of reaction?
Is the policeman zombie in chapter one a Yasunori Kato cognate?