Fanfic: Harry Potter and A Memory of Light

[Jorlem]

So, in conclusion, and anyway, and let’s ignore kissing girls and stop it, Harry very well may be the reincarnation of Harry Potter, but he was not Harry Potter.

Is this Harry's thoughts, or a narrator, or something?  For this one paragraph, you jump into present tense, which, along with the sheer number of commas, makes this sentence rather hard to follow.

Harry
gave a low groan that mixed frustration and misery.  He had far too much on his plate in the
immediate future to have to deal with this Voldemort nonsense.  Quidditch season was coming up.  He was too busy to plan to die.

This just sounds unnatural.

Also, why have the bios for Dumbledore and McGonnagal?  It's a sudden, unneeded, infodump.
Edit:
Just saw the rest of the stuff posted.

In trapping the Dark One and the Forsaken in the hole in reality that was his trap 

This makes it sound as if the trap belonged to the Dark One.

Though Harry was seen as one of the greatest seekers Gryffindor has had in years, the House had yet to win a Quidditch Cup

Tense slippage here.  That should be "Gryffindor had had in years".  I think I saw a few other times where similar slippage happened.
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Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber."  --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.