Quote:Deadpan29 wrote:Right, I will work on it in a bit. Thanks for the constructive criticism, it really does help.
Well, this is a situation in which it actually makes sense for the viewpoint character to take a moment to mentally list where he is, what's currently happening, what's likely to happen in the near future, and some details about who the people around him are. Consider adding a paragraph of that nature somewhere in there.
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Veni, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered
Quote from Julius Caesar