I like the concept. From a conceptual standpoint, you do a good job of executing it, and I salute you for it.
That said, I'd definitely recommend finding somebody to beta for you, because your technical execution could use a bit of polish. Every time I was just getting into the story, I'd come across a clunky sentence, and fall right back out of it. It feels like most of your sentences go on for a clause or two too long, and a number of phrases get repeated in a slightly jarring way.
If you can clean that up, I think you'll have something really great here. Thanks for posting the link!
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.
I've been writing a bit.
That said, I'd definitely recommend finding somebody to beta for you, because your technical execution could use a bit of polish. Every time I was just getting into the story, I'd come across a clunky sentence, and fall right back out of it. It feels like most of your sentences go on for a clause or two too long, and a number of phrases get repeated in a slightly jarring way.
If you can clean that up, I think you'll have something really great here. Thanks for posting the link!
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.
I've been writing a bit.