For concrit, then. Lots of criticism - all intended to be constructive.
okay... original song is, in beats//syllables
4 + 7 A
4 + 6 B
4 + 7 A
4 + 6 B
4 + 7 C
4 + 6 D
4 + 7 C (+1 beat but not syllable)
4 + 6 D (+1 beat but not syllable)
repeat of final 4
repeat of final 4
now, for yours...
oh holy crap
the heck is this I'm reading!?
I cannot believe // this is 5 beats and should be 4. Quick fix - use "can't" instead of "cannot"
I read the whole thing // this is 5 beats and should be 6. Yes, it still comes to 10, but you're splitting "believe" in an unfortunate way
I want brain bleach
My eyes! The goggles do nothing! // this is 8 beats and should be 7. quick fix: "the goggles, they do nothing". Also, reading/nothing is a *much* weaker rhyme than shining/pining,
it wasted time
I can never get back // doesn't even try to rhyme with "bleach"
a fic so bad
it's a human rights violation // 9 beats, shoudl be 7.
UN envoys
will be sent to see it burned // 7 beats, should be 6
Oh...
Oh my god...
I can't...
I can't describe it // doesn't even try to rhyme with "violation"
this fic
this fic // two sets of two beats is not the same as one set of 4. perhaps something like "this fic - so bad" or even "this fic is bad".
// Even better would be "Oh fic, " as a reference back to the original song.
this fic... is an eyesore // doesn't even try to rhyme with "burned". Also, doesn't live up to the rest of the poem/song - "eyesore" is really pretty tame
// compared to some of what goes before. "Eyesore" might work towards the beginning, but I feel like it needs more evocative language.
// Perhaps something completely over-the-top and yet straightforward, as if jumping from hyperbole to simple statment. Somehting like
// "This fic so bad - so bad it killed my cat". I don't think that line itself quite works, but something like that.
Using the tune to "Oh Holy Night" for a "this fic is terrible" poem is a bit of an odd choice to begin with, unless you're trying to suggest that it's so awe-inspiringly bad that you have to use religious imagery in order to capture the sheer magnitude of it, in which case that may want to inform the wording a bit.
okay... original song is, in beats//syllables
4 + 7 A
4 + 6 B
4 + 7 A
4 + 6 B
4 + 7 C
4 + 6 D
4 + 7 C (+1 beat but not syllable)
4 + 6 D (+1 beat but not syllable)
repeat of final 4
repeat of final 4
now, for yours...
oh holy crap
the heck is this I'm reading!?
I cannot believe // this is 5 beats and should be 4. Quick fix - use "can't" instead of "cannot"
I read the whole thing // this is 5 beats and should be 6. Yes, it still comes to 10, but you're splitting "believe" in an unfortunate way
I want brain bleach
My eyes! The goggles do nothing! // this is 8 beats and should be 7. quick fix: "the goggles, they do nothing". Also, reading/nothing is a *much* weaker rhyme than shining/pining,
it wasted time
I can never get back // doesn't even try to rhyme with "bleach"
a fic so bad
it's a human rights violation // 9 beats, shoudl be 7.
UN envoys
will be sent to see it burned // 7 beats, should be 6
Oh...
Oh my god...
I can't...
I can't describe it // doesn't even try to rhyme with "violation"
this fic
this fic // two sets of two beats is not the same as one set of 4. perhaps something like "this fic - so bad" or even "this fic is bad".
// Even better would be "Oh fic, " as a reference back to the original song.
this fic... is an eyesore // doesn't even try to rhyme with "burned". Also, doesn't live up to the rest of the poem/song - "eyesore" is really pretty tame
// compared to some of what goes before. "Eyesore" might work towards the beginning, but I feel like it needs more evocative language.
// Perhaps something completely over-the-top and yet straightforward, as if jumping from hyperbole to simple statment. Somehting like
// "This fic so bad - so bad it killed my cat". I don't think that line itself quite works, but something like that.
Using the tune to "Oh Holy Night" for a "this fic is terrible" poem is a bit of an odd choice to begin with, unless you're trying to suggest that it's so awe-inspiringly bad that you have to use religious imagery in order to capture the sheer magnitude of it, in which case that may want to inform the wording a bit.