That's the thing, BA: I'm sort of in an odd middle ground. At this point, I consider Sein and Cinque family, but the rest? I don't know what to make of Quattro, but I'm carefully keeping Tre and Uno at arm's length, emotionally; I know they're more loyal to the doctor than to the rest of their family, after all. Doctor is firmly in my mental BBEG slot, so that sort of taints them by association.
This is less me actually wanting to leave the lab and everybody there, and more me having a pity party for a bit/the depth of what happened to me finally sinking in/disguised exposition on how different cyborgs are from unmodded humans/frustration at how divided the whole group is. Oh, and a few other things, too, but those four are big motivations and/or themes.
I'm not really all that good at feeling like part of a group, feeling welcome, or feeling like myself or my work is good enough, so there's that, too... and a bit of meta-commentary. To be honest, I'm not sure if I wrote this because I was down on myself IRL at the time, or if my mood just informed the writing I was already going to do. Either way, it's pretty much honest commentary.
I hope you've noticed that certain things I'm thinking don't get discussed in the journals, and some parts of events just don't get mentioned. SI-me is sort of paranoid, you see...
**********
Entry 44 (Day 780)
Well, nobody's killed me yet. That's a start.
It's been thirty days since my last entry (as anybody who can do basic subtraction already knows), and the subject of Quattro hasn't come up. At all. Sure, I was gone for about a day of that, and in a jar for another 26 days, but I was sure these last three weren't going to go well.
Instead, life has gone on exactly as before... and I mean that in every sense of the word. Nobody's acting any different, nobody's changed their routines... and I've not so much as sensed Quattro anywhere nearby. Unless I miss my guess, she doesn't really have any stealth abilities; given that, she's either been keeping to parts of the complex I don't frequent, or actively avoiding me.
Fair enough, I guess. I've got other issues to deal with at the moment... most notably, the reason I was in the jar in the first place.
In the time between seeing Quattro and getting into the jar, I registered myself as a bounty hunter, and tried my hand at the profession. It didn't go well. It could definitely have gone worse- and I'm quite thankful it didn't- but it wasn't great, and the problems were my own darn fault.
In the time that I've been a mage, I've designed a suite of passable combat spells. I've practiced casting them and controlling them. What I haven't done is learn how to conduct myself in combat- when and how to move, how to keep aware of my surroundings, and when and what to cast.
Like an idiot, I charged in, letting my enemies choose when and how to fight, and giving up my greatest advantages at the same time! Then I let them control my focus, leaving me blind to a surprise attack... which I didn't have the protections up to negate.
I need to learn to mind my surroundings. To expect the unexpected, counter the unexpected, and unexpect them right back... without taking my eyes off the expected. That's the end goal. I've already made the first step, by spending the last three weeks working on tactical sims. Now I just have to figure out Steps 2 to Final - 1, and dear gods I just figured out Step 3 this is going to suck.
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.
I've been writing a bit.
This is less me actually wanting to leave the lab and everybody there, and more me having a pity party for a bit/the depth of what happened to me finally sinking in/disguised exposition on how different cyborgs are from unmodded humans/frustration at how divided the whole group is. Oh, and a few other things, too, but those four are big motivations and/or themes.
I'm not really all that good at feeling like part of a group, feeling welcome, or feeling like myself or my work is good enough, so there's that, too... and a bit of meta-commentary. To be honest, I'm not sure if I wrote this because I was down on myself IRL at the time, or if my mood just informed the writing I was already going to do. Either way, it's pretty much honest commentary.
I hope you've noticed that certain things I'm thinking don't get discussed in the journals, and some parts of events just don't get mentioned. SI-me is sort of paranoid, you see...
**********
Entry 44 (Day 780)
Well, nobody's killed me yet. That's a start.
It's been thirty days since my last entry (as anybody who can do basic subtraction already knows), and the subject of Quattro hasn't come up. At all. Sure, I was gone for about a day of that, and in a jar for another 26 days, but I was sure these last three weren't going to go well.
Instead, life has gone on exactly as before... and I mean that in every sense of the word. Nobody's acting any different, nobody's changed their routines... and I've not so much as sensed Quattro anywhere nearby. Unless I miss my guess, she doesn't really have any stealth abilities; given that, she's either been keeping to parts of the complex I don't frequent, or actively avoiding me.
Fair enough, I guess. I've got other issues to deal with at the moment... most notably, the reason I was in the jar in the first place.
In the time between seeing Quattro and getting into the jar, I registered myself as a bounty hunter, and tried my hand at the profession. It didn't go well. It could definitely have gone worse- and I'm quite thankful it didn't- but it wasn't great, and the problems were my own darn fault.
In the time that I've been a mage, I've designed a suite of passable combat spells. I've practiced casting them and controlling them. What I haven't done is learn how to conduct myself in combat- when and how to move, how to keep aware of my surroundings, and when and what to cast.
Like an idiot, I charged in, letting my enemies choose when and how to fight, and giving up my greatest advantages at the same time! Then I let them control my focus, leaving me blind to a surprise attack... which I didn't have the protections up to negate.
I need to learn to mind my surroundings. To expect the unexpected, counter the unexpected, and unexpect them right back... without taking my eyes off the expected. That's the end goal. I've already made the first step, by spending the last three weeks working on tactical sims. Now I just have to figure out Steps 2 to Final - 1, and dear gods I just figured out Step 3 this is going to suck.
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.
I've been writing a bit.