I'm afraid I can't comment too much, since all I know about Halo is that it's an FPS game with armored space marines. More generally, you should lose the style key at the beginning (I only read it at all because it's posted here, usually I close the tab as soon as those appear) and just make it clear from context or use "he thought" "he wrote" etc. identifier tags. The ROB scene also seemed a little overdone - honestly, you could cut everything but a one-liner about how the SI remembers just one thing between his normal life and waking up, an unfamiliar man offering him a gift in compensation for the challenges ahead, and accepting it despite the warning that it would also bring its own complications then go directly to the Spell Graveyard scene (or whatever it was exactly) and I think it would be stronger.
I didn't go over it closely, but no technical errors jumped out at me as such, so points there.
The dialogue tends to feel a little... not wrong exactly, but just off, somehow. I'm not sure how to explain it more precisely, just that it seems slightly awkward. Just keep writing, the only remedy for this really is practice.
I'm sure one of the other regulars will be able to be more helpful, but like I said it's not my fandom, so my interest isn't as engaged as it could be. Sorry about that, it does seem fairly solid as fanfiction goes at least.
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows
I didn't go over it closely, but no technical errors jumped out at me as such, so points there.
The dialogue tends to feel a little... not wrong exactly, but just off, somehow. I'm not sure how to explain it more precisely, just that it seems slightly awkward. Just keep writing, the only remedy for this really is practice.
I'm sure one of the other regulars will be able to be more helpful, but like I said it's not my fandom, so my interest isn't as engaged as it could be. Sorry about that, it does seem fairly solid as fanfiction goes at least.
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows