A Not So Simple Change

[Bob Schroeck]

Black Aeronaut wrote:

Also, if you really want to tell about the SI's past, try doing it through little clues at first, then later through dialogue with other characters. Kinda like what I do with Garrick Grimm.

I haven't yet had the chance to really give this a good "copy editor" readthrough, but I do have to agree very strongly with this. Let me just quote a bit from my eternally-incomplete [link=http:\%[link=http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/guide/fwg.txt]www.accessdenied-rms.net/guide/fwg.txt]writer's guide[/url]:

xx. Show, Don't Tell

The first rule every writing course gives its students, and for
good reason. The difference between telling and showing is the
difference between a dull story and an engaging one.

Let's look at a classic example: It is *very* common for a
beginning writer to start a story like this:

     Jim Andiheerou was a geeky tenth-grade student at Gaittin
     High. At five-two with messy blond hair and a bad
     complexion, he had problems getting dates. He had often
     tried to ask the prom queen, Maryjo Larjenboost, to the
     movies, only to be rejected with derisive laughter.

Besides violating the "First Line Hook" rule, it comes across as
stilted and dull. We are flatly told a couple of details about
Jim -- some basic identity information, what he looks like, a
little personal history -- but it's dry and stale. This is
almost like reading a government dossier or an executive summary
instead of a story, except it's not quite as well-written.

In general, the narrative voice should limit itself to describing
the action and, to a lesser degree, the setting. Let character
background flow naturally out of the action in the story. For
instance, let us take the first sentence in the "example" above.
Rather than force the narrative voice to announce blandly that
Jim is a tenth-grader at Gaittin High, build a scene where that
information surfaces organically:

     "Mornin', Mrs. Tripe!" Jim said as he picked up an apple from
     the old woman's cart and dropped two quarters on the newspaper
     before her.

     "Good morning, Jim," she replied, her eyes twinkling. "On
     your way to school?"

     He nodded. "Yup. Finals today."

     "Then be off with you! Don't want you failing and being left
     behind to retake the tenth grade!" Her hoarse, raspy voice
     pretended to sound harsh, but Jim could hear the laughter
     hidden in it. "Gaittin isn't so good a school that I'd
     expect you'd like another year there!"

     "No, ma'am!" Jim grinned. "Thanks for the apple!" he added,
     walking backwards for a few steps as he waved.

Do you see the difference? Not only have we given the reader the
information, we've also provided a sense of who Jim is, by virtue
of his speaking voice, how he interacts with the old woman who
sells fruit, and his attitudes toward school. With just a few
more words, we've started to show who Jim is as a person -- the
reader should already be identifying and empathizing with him.
The only detail from the "bad" sample that we've left out is his
last name -- and that's something that can be provided once he
reaches school with a roll call or other interaction with an
authority figure. His appearance and his failure rate with
Maryjo can later be demonstrated with an attempt to ask her out,
followed by a friend asking something along the lines of "why do
you keep trying?"

If you really can't figure out how or why this is better, think
about the way a movie is structured. You don't (usually) plunge
right into the action in the first shot. Instead, a movie will
often spend fifteen minutes to a half hour building up the core
character(s). You get to know them in their everyday lives, get
a sense of how they deal with people, get a sense of who they
are. It's only after you get a baseline picture of them in their
normal lives that you can really care about them when they get
thrust into something extraordinary (i.e., the story the movie is
going to tell). Imagine if "Star Wars" had simply put up a card
that read "Luke Skywalker is a farmboy on Tattooine, a planet
with two suns. One day his Uncle Owen bought two droids. The
next morning, one was missing" and then jumped right in to
chasing down a runaway R2D2. Wouldn't you feel cheated, like
something was lacking? Would you even care about Luke and the
droids?

(Those films and stories that don't do this are usually employing
In Medias Res, by throwing you into the deep end first -- but
then they back up and give you that buildup, while you're
wondering how you got to Point B all the way from Point A. Or at
least they should, if they're trying to tell a good story.)

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.