It is hilarious, isn't it? Seriously, though, sometimes you just need to talk about things, and there's nobody better around for that. Anybody older is too conditioned and loyal to the doc, and anybody younger is either too immature, or Quattro (not that she's available to talk to).
Yeah, if it were that book, I'd've noted the cross on the cover. *Malleus* would've noted the extreme magical power of an active and currently open BoD. We both would've noticed the guardian knights, and I would be freaking out mentally over it.
In reality, it's just a very, very nice dead-tree book, modeled after a set my grandmother has. They're almost too nice to read, but indisputably classy.
**********That's... an interesting amount of forethought. "Oddly, no." Her head snapped back up. "I... thought I would- be sick, I mean." I fidgeted a bit, idly worrying at the edge of my robe a bit. "I thought I'd do what needed to be done, look up, see what happened, and throw up in the nearest bush." Cinque snickered at that, for just a moment, before catching herself.
"...sorry. The thought of you doing something like that... I just wasn't expecting it. Continue."
Okay, I suppose that *was* funny. "Turns out... nothing. I wasn't sick to my stomach, or angry, or sad or panicked or even apathetic." I paused for a second. "Or happy. Thankfully not happy. I was just... kind of disappointed."
It looked like that sort of took Cinque for a loop. "Disappointed? But you- I mean-" She stopped, took a breath, and tried again. "I think I understand what you mean." She put one hand on my shoulder, patting reassuringly. "You should've been able to find a way around the necessity, shouldn't you? You feel that you should've been able to save their lives?"
I flushed at that, but nodded. "I remember what you told me, last time this came. I KNOW I can't save everybody... but I keep asking myself. Why did these people have to die? Why did they have to be the ones?"
Cinque's eyes widened slightly at that... and then her whole expression changed. I could see her mood shift, a level of uncomfortable uncertainty fading from her face like it'd never been there. "Now that... that, I truly understand. Tell me- did you do the best you could to achieve your objective?"
My objective? Is that all she cares about? "I got it done, didn't I? I killed-"
"Not that objective." Cinque's voice cut right through my defense, razor-sharp and unyielding. "Preventing casualties. Did you do everything within your power to accomplish the mission without causing any deaths?"
...oh. "...sorry. For assuming."
Cinque reached over, and patted my cheek reassuringly. "Already forgiven. Now, answer the question. Did you do everything you could to find another way?"
I stopped. Then, I thought about it for a bit... and sighed. "Yes. I went through every scenario I could imagine. Accounted for every aspect of the situation, every possible response... and I couldn't do any better. Not reliably, anyway- and for a mission like that one-"
"-it would have to be reliable. I understand that all too well." Cinque leaned back a bit, and smiled. "I know what you need, Imma."
...huh? "What I need?", I replied dumbly. "I don't need anything now. Whatever it is, I needed it a few hours ago."
Cinque's satisfied expression- the look of somebody who just solved a big problem- didn't waver. "Yes, you needed it then. You still need it... and you're going to need it for years to come." She flicked her wrist, summoning a dagger from thin air. "What you need is to go train. Train yourself to the limits of your endurance- as hard as you can manage, for as long as it takes to exhaust you. Then rest up, and do it all over again. Trust me."
The dagger went flying into a target- an image of an M-Drone, mounted on the far wall of the room. "You need to distract yourself from what happened. You need to wear yourself out, so that you can rest. More importantly, you need to get better. Saving everybody wasn't within your power, this time... so increase your power. Become skilled enough to do so next time." She paused, dismissing her dagger and inspecting the hole in the target. "Hm. One-sixteenth of an inch too high." The next dagger landed right inside the same hole. "Better. There will be times when you're given tasks that are beyond your ability to complete. It's unavoidable. What matters-" she said, staring straight into my eyes, "-is that you raise your ability as high as you can. The better you are, the less often this will happen. Correct?"
As she explained, I found myself nodding along. Logical. Accept it, move on, and make sure it won't happen again. "...yes, I think you are. Not sure it'll be that easy, but it's worth a shot." Not tired yet. Not sure I could sleep if I was. "In fact", I said, stroking my chin with one hand, "I think I'll go give that a try right now."
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.
I've been writing a bit.
Yeah, if it were that book, I'd've noted the cross on the cover. *Malleus* would've noted the extreme magical power of an active and currently open BoD. We both would've noticed the guardian knights, and I would be freaking out mentally over it.
In reality, it's just a very, very nice dead-tree book, modeled after a set my grandmother has. They're almost too nice to read, but indisputably classy.
**********That's... an interesting amount of forethought. "Oddly, no." Her head snapped back up. "I... thought I would- be sick, I mean." I fidgeted a bit, idly worrying at the edge of my robe a bit. "I thought I'd do what needed to be done, look up, see what happened, and throw up in the nearest bush." Cinque snickered at that, for just a moment, before catching herself.
"...sorry. The thought of you doing something like that... I just wasn't expecting it. Continue."
Okay, I suppose that *was* funny. "Turns out... nothing. I wasn't sick to my stomach, or angry, or sad or panicked or even apathetic." I paused for a second. "Or happy. Thankfully not happy. I was just... kind of disappointed."
It looked like that sort of took Cinque for a loop. "Disappointed? But you- I mean-" She stopped, took a breath, and tried again. "I think I understand what you mean." She put one hand on my shoulder, patting reassuringly. "You should've been able to find a way around the necessity, shouldn't you? You feel that you should've been able to save their lives?"
I flushed at that, but nodded. "I remember what you told me, last time this came. I KNOW I can't save everybody... but I keep asking myself. Why did these people have to die? Why did they have to be the ones?"
Cinque's eyes widened slightly at that... and then her whole expression changed. I could see her mood shift, a level of uncomfortable uncertainty fading from her face like it'd never been there. "Now that... that, I truly understand. Tell me- did you do the best you could to achieve your objective?"
My objective? Is that all she cares about? "I got it done, didn't I? I killed-"
"Not that objective." Cinque's voice cut right through my defense, razor-sharp and unyielding. "Preventing casualties. Did you do everything within your power to accomplish the mission without causing any deaths?"
...oh. "...sorry. For assuming."
Cinque reached over, and patted my cheek reassuringly. "Already forgiven. Now, answer the question. Did you do everything you could to find another way?"
I stopped. Then, I thought about it for a bit... and sighed. "Yes. I went through every scenario I could imagine. Accounted for every aspect of the situation, every possible response... and I couldn't do any better. Not reliably, anyway- and for a mission like that one-"
"-it would have to be reliable. I understand that all too well." Cinque leaned back a bit, and smiled. "I know what you need, Imma."
...huh? "What I need?", I replied dumbly. "I don't need anything now. Whatever it is, I needed it a few hours ago."
Cinque's satisfied expression- the look of somebody who just solved a big problem- didn't waver. "Yes, you needed it then. You still need it... and you're going to need it for years to come." She flicked her wrist, summoning a dagger from thin air. "What you need is to go train. Train yourself to the limits of your endurance- as hard as you can manage, for as long as it takes to exhaust you. Then rest up, and do it all over again. Trust me."
The dagger went flying into a target- an image of an M-Drone, mounted on the far wall of the room. "You need to distract yourself from what happened. You need to wear yourself out, so that you can rest. More importantly, you need to get better. Saving everybody wasn't within your power, this time... so increase your power. Become skilled enough to do so next time." She paused, dismissing her dagger and inspecting the hole in the target. "Hm. One-sixteenth of an inch too high." The next dagger landed right inside the same hole. "Better. There will be times when you're given tasks that are beyond your ability to complete. It's unavoidable. What matters-" she said, staring straight into my eyes, "-is that you raise your ability as high as you can. The better you are, the less often this will happen. Correct?"
As she explained, I found myself nodding along. Logical. Accept it, move on, and make sure it won't happen again. "...yes, I think you are. Not sure it'll be that easy, but it's worth a shot." Not tired yet. Not sure I could sleep if I was. "In fact", I said, stroking my chin with one hand, "I think I'll go give that a try right now."
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.
I've been writing a bit.