For all those Star Trek puritans...

[Bob Schroeck]

I'm still larfing about something I saw on another site years ago: The Lord of the Rings by different authors, for instance Gene Roddenberry:

I own a book called Maybe He's Dead, which is a collection of results from the old New York Magazine Competition column. Once of these was retelling the classic "kangaroo joke"in the style of a famous author or celebrity. The kangaroo joke, for those who don't know what I'm talking about, goes:

A kangaroo hops into a bar, goes up to the bartender, slaps a ten down and orders a vodka martini. The bartender figures, hey, this is a kangaroo, what does it know from money, makes the drink and gives it $2 change. As the kangaroo drinks, he says, "I don't get too many kangaroos in here." The kangaroo glares at him and says, "Well, at $8 for a martini, you won't see very many more!"

The results were a really warped colleciton of stuff, including Vladimir Nabokov (imitating the opening of Lolita: "My Roo, my rue... She stood barely five feet tall in her boxer shorts...") and Henny Youngman (repeating the sample joke word for word). But my two favorites were:

The Kangaroo
by Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a midnight beery
Waiting for the owner, Cleary,
To return and take me weary
From the place and lock the door,
In there came a hopping mammal
To the bar and lit a Camel,
Then it ordered a martini.
(Damnedest thing I ever saw.)
"Vodka," (it said) "Stolichnaya.
Pile the ice a little higher.
Less vermouth, I like it drier.
And some olives, por favor."
Thinking fast to make a few bucks,
Back from ten I gave it two bucks,
Saying, "You're an odd one, Mister,
Never seen your type before."
"At these prices? Nevermore!"

and Raymond Chandler:

It was warm outside, but the bar was as cool as a Hollywood blonde. I took a stool and ordered a vodka martini. The bartender placed it before me, no napkin, and then went back to polishing a glass with a dirty dish towel. From two sunken eyes he studied me carefully. "You're Marlowe, ain't you?" he said. "The shamus."
"You got me confused, bud. I'm a kangaroo."
"Smart guy, huh." He went to the register and came back with two crumpled Washingtons. I'd given him a ten. "We don't get many kangaroos in here."
"Yeah," I said.

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.